Hang in there. Things can happen at any time. It might be better to match your dose of xanax to your anxiety level.

Thanks Tommy. But no one else in my family deserves to have to go through this with me. I am alone and ashamed.

Maybe try not to think of your family "going through this with you" but rather helping you get through the changes and adjustments you are facing that are exciting and scary at the same time.

At my last job (before they fired me for missing too much and leaving too much mid day), my anxiety got so severe that I had to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to puke. I had not eaten any food in the last 24 hours to throw up so I ended up dry heaving a lot. One day when I was having an easy day, I suddenly got drop kicked in the face by my anxiety and after trying to hold it in for a while, I just started crying and my heart was racing and I couldn't even figure out why.

Other than a very few exceptions, only my immediate family know about my BP. I think I can relate to the feeling that no one in your family should have to go through this with you. I am not married so I cannot relate to that directly but I have felt that I have placed undue stress on the few people that know about my BP. Though they are sympathetic, I don't think cannot relate to or understand what I am going through. As Gonecrazyfran mentioned, don't think of them as having to go through it, but rather wanting and choosing to help you get through it. My father use to think and even proclaim that BP and any such similar disorder was bullcrap. He thought anyone could just decide to act in whatever mindset they saw fit. My mother was a bit more of a believer since mental illness runs in her family, which my father made fun of). My father has mostly changed his tune because of knowing me before and seeing me now. When I am anxious or depressed, I doubt every beg decision I have ever made. It might feel like you are, but you are not alone.

In my experience, I affect the loved ones around me with my bipolar symptoms whether I've told them about the bipolar disorder or not. Even when I think I'm really hiding it well, it affects them. I find that it is actually easier on them to feel like they can start to understand the disorder and know that they can do something by either helping or at least supporting me. That's just my experience, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps.

Anxiety has been eating my heart today, too, but I have a job hunt I can blame it on. It is raining today, so maybe I can blame it on the weather. Whatever. The blame game never got me far in dealing with it.

I strive to keep it physical. Even when I am experiencing life challenges or emotional conflicts, the bipolar component complicates far more often than it helps.

Looking for physical solutions helps me hold it a bit to the side of my life flow without burying it in denial. A cup of herbal tea. A healthy food experiment. Exercise. Music. Posting on DS. Going to a support group meeting. Working with my hands. Housework. Etc., etc.

Hugs, jfulk. Hope it passes soon for both of us.

I will second Anna's insight. I don't grandstand on it, but I do keep my loved ones in the loop. Simple, honest and direct.

"Having anxiety attacks."
"Feeling manicky."
"Depression edging in."

Loved ones do feel us. It is a natural by-product of love. Making them guess what they are picking up on only leaves room for miscommunication.

Why? We'll never know why, but one thing we do know is living with this disease is a daily challenge. Even on good days I know at any given time things could change. Our brains don't work like others do, and the meds help, but they are just a tool. All we can do is breath and remember this mood will pass, hopefully with no consequences. I have a theory that we beepers are much more stronger and wiser then others because we are always challenged. Unfortunately even when we do have new things added to our lives we are still the same person with the same brain sigh. I am sure your doing all you can with what you have. Just remember to breath. Don't count on others to understand where and why you are, they cannot know how your brain reacts to situations, even good ones. All the best.

God bless all of you. It is so nice to keep hearing all this...even when I know I've heard it before! :-)

Your making major changes in your life how can you not have a lot of anxiety. I was having a lot of anxiety at work and ended up in the hospital, that's when I realized I couldn't go on that way. I went on disability, now I'm having a lot of anxiety dealing with insurance and money. This should be straightened out by the end of August. Also, something was triggered of in therapy that I've been feeling a lot of anxiety over. My doctor increased my Atavan today to .5 mg.

I keep my support network informed of what's going on.

I would get in to see your GP asap jfulk so he can refer you to a new pdoc
You may well need a med tweak..
If you need a little time off of work you can get a letter from him..
This episode won't last forever sweetie... You've had a lot of stress and changes and it's created a situation that's led to an episode
You don't just need to ride it though my friend... You need some help through it
Big hug of comfort for you...xo

No, I've not talked with my doctor about this. There's no telling how long it will take to get in to see a new pdoc. I've found a face-to-face support group in my area that I may attend in the meantime. I really believe my med prescription is fine and works...I just have to take them.

Now, I'm down to major anxiety when I awaken in the morning and it takes some time to get through it, but by late morning or early afternoon, I begin to feel like I used to. Then I get to where I'm pretty normal. But of course, I wake up the next day to start it over again. :-(

BUT...today, I'm trying to deal with this anxiety without the Xanax. So far, it's about the same process as it was yesterday, so that tells me that maybe the anxiety is lessening daily.

My depression is there, but it's not consuming me. Good God, why did I EVER stop taking my meds?

Thanks everyone.