Depressive/suicide mention trigger warning,

Oh god... I'm fucking nervous about going into details about this and part of me feels like a blooming goddamn idiot being the only one I know of panicking over this, like, in kind of a shocked-state panic where I'm not like sick but I strongly just KNOW I have to figure out something to do, and figure it out quick, but....

My friend's only real uh... family member They're kind of close with passed, and they (instead of he/she- "they") told me something to the effect of planning a suicide for years, for when this exact moment happens.

I'm very much for letting people decide their death as much as their life, but this is personal, and I feel selfish. I don't want to let this person go. I want to hold onto them and never let them go, even though they're far from me and we haven't really talked in a real long time anyway.

They're really somethin' special and I just can't... put my personal panic or savior complex (fuck it, I said it) aside this time.

I just have a really rotten gut feeling about this and I'm tearing up even though I've entered a state of perpetual numb, perpetual inner deadness. (all melodrama aside)

I don't even have this kid's phone number. I don't even know if they have a phone, damnit. I'm combing White Pages in something of a desperate fit of vain 'trying to do something, trying to come up with SOMETHING'.

And if I know this person well, even if I only scraped the surface, they're gonna hermit up reeeeeeeeal bad in the wake of this, and I feel like if I don't contact them now, I won't get another chance. If they don't hate me for over-reacting, if that is the case, which would be best-case scenario.

I just know they're really serious about this, probably more dead-serious about the gravity of this, and it leading to a final end, than I've ever been about any of my suicidal thoughts or anything in my life.

Like. You know that person you could never get close to, never even shift their walls and inner barricades with a "20 foot pole made of pure intentions"? But always kind of found something really cool and sincere about them from as close of a distance as you could get?

That's my friend. And if we lost Them, it'd just be a real fucking tragedy. I mean I'm both voluntarily and involuntarily surrounded by people who scare the hell out of me with their lack of regard for their own lives, but this one would go down as the one that'd really affect me on a level I possibly couldn't even compartmentalize.

And I can't do a damn thing about it, that I can think of... I'm trying to find a way, but my friend's probably.... if They're still here, they're probably practicing technology anarchy, so communication chances are slim, and I don't know if they'll pull out of this one.

I just know they're probably gone, or about to be. I can't explain how. I feel like shit. I don't want to feel this way. On top of this I have no money left, and very limited help to get myself by with. This isn't a good feeling, what I have..