Last August I said something mildly dumb about me causing my demise to a person who I was talking with on the phone/text for 15 years. She is a psych nurse and has BPII.

Anyhoo, that prompted her to call my local police. I had to go with them. 7 cops showed up (almost the whole force). it was highly embarrassing. However I was in no position to refuse going with them.

So I went, was stuck in the ER for hours. ..got pissed and got into a slight struggle with a security guy. That ended up getting me restrained...and I got a seditive shot.

So I was in the mental ward for 7 days. Was extreamly upset...but kept to myself. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I will never NEVER mention anything if I feel bad online or on the phone again.

I did meet two nice people in the mental ward, and made the best of my 7 days there. Played cards etc. I hated that I could not sit in certain staff chairs...and I did not like being told what to do. Also I did not like going to the groups.

If I do choose to "do something" to myself, I would dissapear in the forest by myself. However, I won't be doing that. I don't like drama.

I do think badly of myself, but life is a gift that you should not take for granted.

We did not even have a computer....just a half broken phone. There were "phone times" when you could call your loved ones. I had to ask to use a safety razor when I wanted to shave. The guy had to watch me shave. I am pretty much being like la cosa nostra with my feelings from now on.

By a friend who'd been the road of psyward, and myself I was told and pretty much experience a 6 month period of time where I functioning between 40-70%. Yes a locked ward, no going outside, no electronics, 1phone...I got no calls. A mass of individuals herded from one place to the next..a pill factory....
mandatory.

What took place that was good. I was not alone, structure and routine were brought back, I was given three meals a day. I went against a dr. prescribed medication, was started on a new medication that I continue using today.

I meander through TED talks on utube...this one spoke to "me" and how I speak to myself....And with my relationships 'what I took in" from """myself""" and from """others""",

Today, in my mind ""what I allowed in""was worse than the psyward.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk

I listen to this quite a bit to avoid the cycle of self blame

Hmmmm locked doors. Nurses everywhere. Horrid food. Three of the four I’ve been in had access to a small courtyard which was opened sporadically through the day weather permitting.
My most recent stay I stayed in my room in my bed for a week and they physically removed me from my room, onto the main unit and locked my bedroom door so I couldn’t get in. Sucked. I colored all day for almost three weeks. I also completed a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle in 12 hours. At least the nurses were nice.

Hi Thor2008,

Yes locked doors check, feeling like a criminal check, humiliating and demeaning check....been there as I feel suicidal quite a bit.

I have had better hospital experiences when I went earlier and wasn't profoundly intent on "hurting myself." I got to go to the "good cafeteria." Where the food was slightly less horrible. Many of my friends came to visit me which pissed off the staff...but I got out of 16 hospitalizations alive.

I don't put that on resumes but I think it shows some bit of forbearance on my part...maybe I could just wear a badge?

It's all hard and if you weren't feeling bad enough now you have this demeaning experience to add into the hopper. Try with everything you can manage to build a winner's circle you can stand in, be kind to yourself Thor...because most mental health professionals are so burned out they can't manage kindness...

I hated being there, but they saved my bacon. No doubt about it.

I posted some comments about not seeing the next sunrise got the cops out to my house also. Three cop cars, very embarrassing... I talked my way out of that but I think it was close. In the ER, I laid there and was quiet as there was two large security guys right outside the curtains. I gave them enough trouble showing up via an ambulance and having to figure out what I took too much of. They made a huge deal that I had alcohol in my bloodstream but not the benzos.

Shaving was too hard. I grew a beard in four weeks.

MayB - 16 is a lot more than me, I have. only two... and that was enough for me. If they take me back it, it will be kicking and screaming.

Kisses - they made me color also. Here I am 50 years old and being required to color in a coloring book. I can tell you that coloring does not make me less crazy

Locked ward- open doors- cold showers as it was old building- food was ok-- sign in and out sheet to monitor where we went- hair salon- thrift clothing store in building- cafeteria- tv room - routine- structure- groups to attend- it was what I needed as they balanced my meds- so i am compliant to meds and follow a routine - nothings perfect but I manage - it was nice to have my meals prepared - less stress was nice--- but I have no desire to return-- hugs

Things to consider....
A. Did you go into the Hospital Voluntarily or Involuntarily?
B. Did you go into the Hospital because you tried to end your life?

Psych wards are not warm and fuzzy places, even the good ones. Most people end up there because they've tried to kill themselves. They come up from the ER, where they learned that "f*uck I'm still alive" and they aren't happy and haven't stopped wanting to be dead.

So yes the doors you go through lock behind you, so you don't wander off and find something else to finish the job. You and your things get checked through pretty thoroughly for the same reason. Your room door either remains open or your checked on every 15 minutes or....for the same reason. When people are in the mindset of, "I want to be dead" they can get pretty resourceful.

Nurses are a little stiffer on the Psych ward, they tend to get the same patients over and over, their trained to care for people and save lives and their in a job where those patients don't want their lives saved. And on a pretty high percentage, many of those repeat patients that they've gotten to know just don't show up again one day, because they're down in the morgue, having completed their suicide. It is not an easy job to have.

As your meds change, do your groups, see your Therapists, etc. the Rules tend to lessen, as you work toward going home. But those Rules are their to keep you from obtaining the Goal you started out with...you want to be dead and they want to send you home stable and very much alive.

I have 5 Psych stays to my credit over the last 30 years, 4 suicide attempts and 1 voluntary pre-suicide attempt. The last 3 were here in NC in the last 15 years.

1 and 2 were overdoses and some pretty bad cuts. Wake up in the ER stomach pumped, cuts stitched, tube down the nose for the lovely charcoal infusion....pissed off because I "woke up". Then to the medical floor for 2 days observation, because I have 7 major chronic diseases/illnesses and I've now screwed all that up. Have my trusty "suicide buddy" with me 24/7....they're always twits.

Check out medically and up to the Psych Ward. Our hospital is a little different. Its a major University Medical Center and is actually comprised of 5 hospitals linked together on 1 campus, so you have Neurosciences Hospital, Woman's Hospital, Children's Hospital, UNC General and the Cancer Hospital.

The Psych Ward covers 5 floors of the Neurosciences Hospitals and is categorized by Mental Illness. 1 floor is Eating Disorders, 1 is Self Harm/Physical Cognitive Issues, 1 is Mood Disorder Illnesses like BiPolar, 1 is General Depression/Anxiety Issues, and the last is Schizophrenia, DID type Disorders. So you don't have a bunch of people setting each other off due to different triggers.

On my last 2 suicide attempts I was sent up to the BiPolar floor. The rooms are private. The door locks behind you when you enter the Ward. If you're in your room during the day you cannot have the door closed. At night the door is closed but a nurse opens it every 15 minutes to check on you. That's pretty typical behavior for a Suicide patient. You have to go to group each day, you have to meet with your Therapist each day, and your Pdoc schedules his appt.'s. There are phones that can be used and there are several computers that can be used to send emails, etc.

Rules have a reason...to keep us safe when we don't want to keep ourselves safe. Because that urge, that wish, that need to be dead does not just go away because we woke up and realized we failed....oh if only it were that easy.

My 2nd stay when I got upstairs, the Intern (University Hospital so its a teaching Hospital also) didn't check me well enough, he didn't take the rings off of my hands. I had a really pretty 24k gold simple ring that came down into the point of a very sharp arrow. He was an idiot. The first thing I did when I got my first door closed that night was use that ring to slice another gash in my wrist and was working on the 2nd when the nurse checked me. I have a Clotting Factor Disorder, so I could have easily just laid there and bled to death if nobody checked. 10 stitches and 2 units of blood later, I didn't get to close my door at all anymore....and they took all my rings.

My last Psych Stay was Voluntary, before I tried to end it this time, I just went and checked myself in. Totally different experience. My Pdoc knew I was going to be there for an extended stay, although he'd not quite told me that yet. He'd already known that ECT was it at this point, as I'd become completely med-resistant. So he wanted me in a quiet place where there wasn't so much activity. He put me on the Eating Disorder floor. Only 6 other people. Private room, no regs on closing or opening doors. I was allowed to take my laptop with me. There was a phone in my room, but had to ring out through the nurses station. It felt less like a Psych ward....but I was there for 3 months, getting ECT 3 times a week, every week and being able to come back to a quiet room each day with nobody bugging me is one of the things that made it able to tolerate for so long. My sons came every day after school and on weekends. And I could go out into the memorial gardens and walk around when I wanted.

So, all Psych stays are different, it depends on how you go in, what kind of hospital you have access to, and what you're there for. They aren't all bad, many do a lot of good to offset the ones that don't.

My first 2 Psych stays were back in Texas in my 20's and I barely remember them

I've been hospitalized 6 times and they all were about the same, you explained it the way it was. I only had one place not lock the bedroom doors during the day so I was able to take a nap which was nice and the last 2 places I went allowed smoking breaks but most of them allowed you to go outside for a bit and hang out. But yes everything was locked and you had to walk in a line to most places like the cafeteria. They had visitation hour each night and my husband would come visit and some places had phone times where only then you could use the phone others allowed it all day except when group was going on. There was always a set schedule for everything too, when to wake up, take meds, go to sleep. Although I didn't mind the set bedtime lol but they would check on you every 15 min when you slept. We also always had group sessions of coping skills and saw the psychiatrist daily. I just tried to make the best of it and make a friend there and use my free time to color or play cards with someone, they always had cards or coloring supplies around and they would play tv certain times of the day.

PHP was better you are there voluntarily and it's not a lock down type thing, you go for a few hours 5 times a week mon-fri then get to go home. it's group therapy that helped me the best. If you ever feel suicidal again try looking into that if you're not attempting and get put in involuntarily. Along with group you see a psychiatrist while they tweak your meds and PHP usually last a month to 3 months. I went twice, first time for 3 months second time for 5 weeks.

I know one thing, I am turning in to Gary Cooper......I will not be going back to one of those places. I understand those places are not pleasant and are there for a reason. Gary Cooper is a Sopranos reference.

Good acting from James Gandolphni (sp) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kh7NcJ9xoY

I live in Oregon and there's one hospital I know of that still has a psych. ward. I spent a week there in 2003.
It was much like what everyone else was describing. I felt like we were being treated like cattle.