I've called the pdoc...again. There's no one else in my house, but if I get to the point that I'm scared for my life, more than I am already, I'll call my bf to come over...though I'd really rather not.

You already said that you have lost heart ..or the meaning of having yr kids and you need a reminder.

???

That's where this started...so call yr b/f...keep calling yr pdoc etc..

Okay Hanna, I am glad you called your pdoc back. The thought process to be fearful of is the one that tells you that yours children would be better off without you. Your children need you and it would devastate them for the rest of their lives if you left them. You are so young and you have so much left to live for. You will find a way to get back on your feet and get on your meds. The meds will help you through times like this. Please talk to your doc about ways you could get your meds free. There are other ways besides insurance and organizations that can help you with that. Hugs

" I've been on thee downward spiral. I sit here day after day just hating myself, my home, my life in general. I constantly question my life's worth, and have been/am thinking of the unthinkable. I want to live, just not like this. "

THAT is heavy stuff Hanna. So please just stay on the case of finding help quick.

I'm doing all I can while avoiding what's most unpleasant.

can your bf come over soon, are your children with you now?

You paint a totally negative picture on all counts.

However....The way you 'entertain' the suicide without wanting to mention it by name is actually seen as a positive.
You don't really want to die.None of us do.
You can't argue cos we are all on DS for those common ties that link us.

You have to see that what seems helpless now does change...if only a little at a time.
A small positive though is worth a million negatives in my book.

no kids right now. I'm supposed to get them back tomorrow. My bf lives 5 mins from here, If I ask, he'll be here. It's just not pleasant to be around him when I feel down.

I found the crisis hotline, I'll call there.

You can't predict the future but in a depressed state you see a clear and bad conclusion.It's actually bullshit.
Reality has more positive potential if we give it a chance

Figures...the line is busy.

Thanks everyone for your support. Much love.

try this

1-800-784-2433

You said "I want to live, just not like this."
That alone is reason to fight to get better so you can find some peace and happiness. It can be done! I'm living proof of that!
Don't ever believe that your kids will be better off with you because that's not true! My Mom tried to commit suicide when I was around 6 or 7 and I will never forget the feelings that that I had of almost losing my Mommy! Than she died of natural causes when I was 30 and its been 15 yrs but I still miss and need her to this day! You're kids will always need and love you! My Dad commited suicide about 10 yrs ago and as an adult with depression I still can't get over it! I know you said your faith is gone and I have been there so I completely understand but I have regained it and realized that even when I thought he wasn't there for me that I would of never got through those times without his help. You will be in my prayers! I hope you got ahold of the hotline! I know it's hard to believe right now but this too shall pass! Big Hugs!

You obviously have a tremendous amount of people who care for you and you should call a hotline if you have no insurance if this continues and always contact a friend. Take if from somebody who has been there too many times. xo