Good for you. Hope you will have sweet dreams. Waking in the morning....will be a new day, I hope you will find something that brings you peace.....

Do yourself a favor, and flush the pills. What sparked your darkness?

I have nothing that sparks things. I have fairly unchecked emotions and possibly am incorrectly medicated.
Dreams are a nightmare, literally. Before antipsychotics, I dreamed nearly every night the same dream, all night long. Screaming, open mouthed faces all at once and an indeterminable number thereof and immeasurable volume. I did recently have a strange glitch in a dream that it was my wife's gave doing this, but that wouldn't explain this happening since childhood. The antipsychotics did away with this entirely, for nearly a year, but are no longer working. The dose on this medication alone has been tripled over the course of this year, for sleep, but it's d#$n hard to sleep when I'm dreaming like this.
If I flush the pills, I'll go completely unmedicated and would die, either from withdrawals due to stopping them abruptly or lack of other chemicals a body needs to live

I can relate to viewing suicide in a cold, distant manner. My therapist was initially surprised how emotionless I was when describing suicidal thoughts. When I am feeling suicidal, I write a suicide note and after I am done with it, I am usually just like, "eh, not going to do it today." It tends to distract me.
Have you tried using a mood tracker app? That has been very helpful for me in seeing my lows and highs and how I am feeling before my mood switches.
Therapy is unbelievably expensive. Some therapists will do a sliding scale based on income. Here in my city, there is discounted therapy available by psychology students earning their Masters' degrees. I just pay the co-pay, which is $60 for me with my insurance. I go when I can, which is usually only a couple of times a year, but it's something.
It does sound like your meds may be playing a role in how you're feeling. I hope you feel better soon.

Glad to hear you reconsidered it's much easier to work on things here....time to see a thespian or your pdoc? Maybe a medication tweak could help?

I've never written a note. Ever. Still uneasy and labile. I just want to avoid.

If you scroll down to bottom of the page, there are crisis lines you can use. 211+google+your state, will come up with social service agencies...perhaps you will find some help there. Also, type in town bipolar support group...usually they are free....Hope you get some relief...take care, ml

Yes, sleeping on a decision is often a good idea. Big hugs.

So glad you reconsidered and hope you are in a better place today. It is a long and hard fight but don't give up it will get better. I have had years where the med changes were nonstop but in time I would always find something to work. Therapy is so important I hope you can find a way to participate or someone who has therapy for a reduced charge. Please, just don't give up. You are worth fighting for!!!

Hugs xx

I've not given up, I just have nothing left to lose. I don't want to be dead, but I don't find a purpose that makes anything better. I volunteer with a local ham radio club which assists local Emergency Management, but I don't even feel like messing with that now. I did start to sort my m:tg collection ranging back to a few beta, mostly stopping at islands. I'm going to organize them, sell them, and probably buy a good small car and maybe a teardrop trailer, throw my phone away, and just disappear for however long I want. I'm tired. I need extensive me time, but I'll never get it living like this. I'm not even sure who I am at all anymore

Read this just now, again, and things haven't really changed much overall. Am I broken record or just broken? I still want to leave everything, but the old adage is "wherever you go, there your are" which I've always taken as your problems always follow you. I'm just mentally dieing, rotting, festering most of the time. I don't feel my menial goals will be achieved, wherever I am.

I also have been doing things and not feeling anything. I have been self destructive and I've messed up my life. Trying to rebuild. Life is so hard. I understand why you want to give up. I also want to give up. But we cant!! There is always hope. Start now let's pull ourselves out of this hole we've made for ourselves. Let's go to church. Let's try and live the best we can. Let's love each other and be kind even if we feel nothing. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself everyday and I will too. So much love to give. The futures worth the fight. Love with your life. Like a warrior. You are a warrior. Never give up!!!

I sympathize with you. I've been there and made the wrong choice. Have you ever used a crisis line? I find them helpful when I'm in a mood and having suicidal thoughts.