I am feeling very badly. I am going thru a rough time. I think i may be going thru a mixed episode because i am eeling depressed AND agitated at the same time. I am having trouble keeping my shit together at work i am on the verge of tears even in public places. I feel so alone. Unloved. Un EVERYTHING? All i want to do is sleep. I am exhausted. I barely have the energy to bathe myself and get ready for work during the week. I don't do any of the things i once really enjoyed. I feel like i am living in hell. I wish God would just take me out of this nightmare. I am not living anymore. In fact, i barely even exist anymore. I know i am alive because i still have a pulse, but i feel dead inside. I don't really talk about it with my family because they don't "get" it. In fact, when i was in partial hospital program, neither of my parents would come to the support meeting. I don't think my friends understand. The only place i feel understood is here.

I may have mentioned that i am a survivor of two rare cancers. It is really weird because to be honest, going thru cancer was easier than daling with bipolar and depression. For one thing, people supported you, they were there for you. I felt very strong.even though i was possibly staring death n the face. Depression is an illness too, but so many people just don't see it as an illness. I often wish they wouldn't have found my cancer until it was too late. And i also feel like if my cancer were to come back, i would not fight it again. I just feel so lonely. I don't have any children. I didn't have any before my cancer, and had to have a hysterectomy, so that took the chance away. I won't consider adoption because i would never be accepted due to my physical and mental illnesses. Also, i haven't had a relationship in almost ten years. I feel gross and unattractive. I no longer believe in love. I will die alone. I have accepted that fact.

I am sorry to ramble...i just needed to get it out. Ty for listening.