It’s actukaly very normal for a mental health professional to ask about suicide. It is not to make you relive your experiences. They just need to know what they’re working with.
I’m sorry you are “reliving” your past attempts. I’m wondering though why you are so angry. Again, this is just something they ask everyone. In my experience you must be completely transparent in therapy and with all of your providers for the best care. No, it is not always comfortable and it’s not rainbows and butterflies. But it is necessary.
If you are angry with your therapist I encourage you to tell her so. Be angry, get your feelings out. That is what she is for.
Best of luck to you

My PCP randomly hands me a form like that because she knows I'm BiPolar heavy on the Suicidally Depressive side....My Pdoc just flat asks me.

They don't do these things on purpose to force you to relive past events, their used as a gauge to see how you're doing. You've told us you have pretty severe depression that your currently using a pretty severe eating disorder to "maintain" your depression. I'm sure your Tdoc has figured out that things are not well and stable in your world and with the exception of coming right out and asking you, which she likely knows would not get a straight answer, they use forms such as the one you were given to gauge where you're at, in this moment in time. When a Pdoc or Tdoc takes you on as a patient, they take on a responsibility for your well-being, they don't get the choice or privilege to ignore certain signs or "tells" of your illness. You said you've lost like 50lbs in 10 weeks....that's not something that goes unnoticed by a healthcare professional, well not a good one anyway.

You can choose to take your memories and the issues that caused them and bury them, or you can use your Therapist and what she's trained to do and learn how to work though them, so that when similar things happen again, you have the tools and skills to face them. Buried things don't stay buried....ever. And until you learn how to manage the bad, the good doesn't stay around for long.

Take care,

Big hug Thor..... I agree that it's normal for a mental health professional ask about suicidal thoughts

My pdoc asks about it on every appt …...If this has triggered suicidal thoughts I would bring it up to her ….

Working through the feelings can help with finding new coping skills for you.... xo

Bipolar Family - Thank you for the replies. Both of docs have asked several times, but this form was much more detailed and made me relive some very dark times earlier this year. The TDoc asks, and I always say no. She knows that if I was suicidal that I would lie about the actual situation. I did three times when I did try. I am also scared if she called Shore Patrol and what would happen. I found out in April with the attempt, and I did not like what happened. (military mental health) The next month, I went in for about 21 days but voluntary.

I understand they have to ask. I guess I am being too sensitive.

Also still on the weight loss. TDoc said it was another way to commit suicide. I disagree, I am using the weight loss to help balance what I am feeling. Also, she said that I would like what out happen if she puts an eating disorder in my record. Any know what she is talking about?

Please clarify that last paragraph. "she said I would like what out happen if she puts eating disorder in my record" that doesn't make sense, I'm thinking there is a typo in there.

As for the weight thing....you have an eating disorder, and you probably think you have it under control, but like any other Mental Illness, and it is a Mental Illness, we tend to quickly and unexpectedly find we don't have control. There can come a time when it can become dangerous and life threatening, hence her "suicide" comment. Eating Disorders are very hard to control especially when they get out of control.

I know you think that your using one thing to balance another, but balancing one mental illness against another to try and gain stability....well that's like a house of cards waiting for a strong wind to blow it down.

OlderCPer - The last paragraph was a typo. The TDoc said I would not like it if she put that in my record. Don't understand that statement. I will ask for clarification next week. I have the luxury of seeing the TDoc weekly, and I have for ten months. She is also available via text. And I guess I am to text her if I am about to do it., I will tell her if I am about it, but will make sure the cell signal will is arranged so as not to give my position away. I have thought long an hard about this.

Eating disorder? Not sure that is me, or am I refusing to see. I control what I eat, and I am eating at least one meal and staying within 600 to 800 calories per day. Is this really a disorder? I believe what you say, but I do not think I can follow it right now. I still need that something that allows me to balance me.

Next - how to handle job interviews and new jobs while being bipolar. In my military side, I have pushed aside into a make-work job so I could take care of my conditions. Well... now I am out after 32 years. So, how to deal with the job interview and then to work with this? I have had to leave work a few times due to depression and have made mania episodes that were praised by the military.

After all the posts... I am just really screwed up. I run from depression to mania and my heart condition sent me for a loop. I was devasted to my core. I had led a very successful year and all of this created a condition where I was asked to retire and my career was ended. This caused stress which exacerbated everything which caused me stress feeding back to my condition. I am really screwed up.

Thor,

Your not really screwed up, you have multiple illnesses, both mental and physical. You have to get used to a new way of life as a civilian and with some new challenges medically/physically....it takes time and you do it 1 day at a time. You don't look at a big chunk of time like a year or a month, it will seem too big and too overwhelming...you take it 1 day at a time. This is part of what you use a Tdoc for to learn coping skills to learn how to live a stable life with BiPolar and be in the "world."

Personally I don't care for Therapists who deal with issues by using subversive means....and from what your's says, it comes off as a warning. A, "get this under control, because if you don't I have to put it in your record and then it's there for good" kind of thing. Its between you and your Tdoc how you deal with your eating issues, but from what you've said to us...there is an issue. When and how you deal with it will happen eventually.

If you can't live off of your Military retirement and your BiPolar and Cardiac issues make it difficult to hold down a job, you might talk to your Pdoc about disability.

OderCPer - Thank for the advice. You are right - one day at a time. This such a change from what I have done for 30 years - planning. So I am learning a new skill and it will take time.

TDoc - will need to think on that, as I have been threatened a few times. Mainly with being locked up. This last incident is another example of this. She did say that she would have me "locked up in an instant". I am trying to work my way out but, it will be probably late Jan.

I have put in for several large items for VA disability, and I should most probably get 100% disability. Main issues were PTSD, AFib, Bipolar, GAD, and Migraines. If I get 100%, I should easily not have to work with my pension and VA disability. But I will need to for my sanity. Hard work is one of my outlets.

Thank you for your advice and listening to me rant, and rave.

Do you have anyone near you can talk to about this like a crisis line (don’t talk to the idiot Tdoc) if that helps. I’ve even texted a crisis line before and I felt a lot better after just one hour of talking. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. I was on a drive today and just from that my pain flared up and I mean that always sends me into a downward spiral of troubling thoughts and hopelessness abs then I say to myself just take it day by day. That is how I’ve survived everyday for nearly 15 years now. I know how bad it hurts and to relive stuff (I have PTSD) is so easy to get you back into those thoughts of suicide.

I hear you, I've always had a career and will always work, I need to use my brain, I don't do well when I'm stagnant. But I'm semi-retired. I do a lot of Volunteer work in my Field and that gives me roughly the same sense of use and satisfaction. You and I have talked about that before. If you can't work, perhaps being able to do volunteer work can give you that sense of use and being useful.

As for your Tdoc, sometimes you have to measure the worth of the relationship and make sure its a healthy one and the right one for you. It needs to be a trusting relationship and one you feel safe in. Your Tdoc seems to use a lot of threat and fear tactics, which can add a lot of stress that you don't need, not to mention fear of actually working on and getting help for issues that you do need. It may be time to think of seeking a Tdoc that you can have a more helpful relationship with. For us BiPolars, they're one of our biggest tools.

Take care,
Kat

I think you're right – you need to resolve your feelings once again. I kind of think that we have to resolve them over and over again until those feelings are not an issue anymore and do not intrude on our awareness the way they did for you when you were dealing with the doctors form.

ivorymuse04 - There is no one around me that I can talk with. Few friends as I am now retired and most military families tend to live like gypsies. And discussing this my friends is not possible. I know people but not really.

OlderCPer - On the TDoc, I need to stay with her for now as that is the way the insurance works. I will need to get a new one on 1 Feb 19. I am trying to find out how I can arrange that so there is the smallest gap. The rules change on 1 Feb. Her threatening me. Your post gave me a lot to think about. I now that when I was going downhill in Apr-Jul, she knew that I was hurting but did not hospitalize me. She should have seen that. Then when I was involuntarily hospitalized after a suicide attempt, she did not seek a better solution, nor was she reachable when I was locked up. It was not until Jun when I asked for "something more" from them. Why could they not see? Aren't they trained to take care of their patient? I ramble. New Tdoc in Feb.

Question - do you need a reason to go back down into that Depression hole

I think your mind will take you places where it should not go, when you are ill with bipolar disorder. It is something we need to fight. First, by ourselves, but if that doesn't work (I'm think that is most of the time) then with support from family and friends, and if necessary, then medical professionals and/or hospital.

So, don't give into depression, but if it gets out of hand, then you NEED to seek help.

Second, as far as an ED, you need to see if you are losing weight. How much below what your minimum recommended weight are you? I don't know a lot about EDs, but I think numbers are supposed to be a thing to stay away from. As for using it to balance mental illnesses against each other? That sounds like a delusional game you are playing with yourself. Because, regardless of what your brain is saying, there is NO balancing depression with an ED or vice versa. They may have similar roots, but you need to get help for it.

I do hope you get a better Tdoc that doesn't play mind games and threaten you. We won't even talk about the fact that it sounds like she is not helping you much.

I went on disability in 1999, I went off work disability 2 years ago, this month, I'm off government disability, so all pension, now. Besides bipolar disorder, I am also physically quite ill. At first it was hard, but looking back, I really had no choice. And I was so depressed the first 4 over 5 years, working was not an option. Maybe you can bridge retirement with disability? You sound like you are ready to retire.

But do find some good hobbies, that you like and volunteering is excellent. I have always volunteered, if you are bad, you have the option to not go in. Well, at least I do.

I hope you feel a bit better, and can sort out this "balancing" thing you are doing. Losing too much weight is a form of suicide, I would say. Not that I would know! Sigh!

Big hug Thor...… Eating disorders are the MOST serious of disorders and you're right that you're doing it for control however it's toxic...

Yes you can control how many calories you choose to take in.... There are episodes of Eating Disorders on Intervention on YouTube it might help you to watch one.....This is what people with anorexia do and it's a deadly disease

It will eventually effect vital organs to the point that they shutdown ….. You might not be there at this point however you on teetering on the edge (from what I'm reading) of this disorder losing that much weight in a few weeks

It's all about control...… You can control what you eat if you can't control anything else in life

It seems like your therapist doesn't think 600 calories is enough

I think this is what your therapist is afraid of...… Lean into help Thor not away from it and if you're unhappy with this therapist you can find another one

No we don't have control of so many things in our lives however there is good help to be had

If you are unable to eat more at this point I would be open and honest about it for your wellbeing...… For your life

I have had a couple of hospital stays for a few weeks at a time and they helped me so much..... Again I just leaned into needing help and the help worked

Gentle hug.... I'm glad that you're here......xo

Depression for most BiPolars tends to be an equal opportunity monster....it does not discriminate and it does not need a reason to rear its ugly head.

Some of us have specific triggers and have learned over the years to be aware of them and see them coming and some just get blindsided by it for no apparent reason. I have triggers that I now will set of depression and I avoid those things/situations. But I also have random "out of nowhere" episodes. I can go to bed one night in a fine mood, okay with the world, and wake up the next morning with a blanket of depression so dark and deep over me it feels like I'm suffocating in it. No rhyme or reason, just the nature of the disease.

The important thing is to not let it take over, however it comes to you. If your depression seems to be "pattern-like" then there may be certain things or situation that are triggering it, look, listen, observe and try to identify what those triggers are. That's one important reason to Journal, so you can go back and see what was happening on those days, pick out the things that seemed to make things go off-kilter.

As for the depression that hits like a fist out of the dark, all you can do is work though it, not give into it, work with your Dr.'s and survive it. That's what learning healthy coping skills is all about, and of course working to get on the right med cocktail.

This disease is a lot of hard work, but the payoff of lengths of Stability is worth the work.