Just don't do it. Harming yourself won't make things ok. It will even get worse. If you think you can escape your emotions by killing yourself then that's not the solution because even if we die our emotions/personality remains the same in the other dimension. This is true because I have watched paranormal documentaries and shows.

Ask for help dear, Go now, ask for help. There must be someone out there to help you ;) Stay in the light.

I'm not a cutter. I might be able to make a connection with doing so. During a very heavy panic attack with full meltdown in effect I wanted to find the first person I could that I could piss off enough to hurt or kill me so my outside matched my inside. Similar? I know that was a terrible idea. At the time I needed to be away or something, even tho I was in hospital at the time. I told the therapist this and heard "Damn!" kinda like that was a surprising thing to him.
I want for you to think about this: I don't want you to hurt, inside or out. Please just keep talking here and let it all out with us. Use your therapy sessions too. You're among other people here that are perfectly flawed and yet we reach out to others anyway, even in our darkest. I spent yesterday nearly suicidal. The wonderful, patient people here managed to help keep me from the edge.
Please know that people care and don't want you to hurt in any way.

I've been where you are. And the thing that keeps me from cutting is thinking about my healing self harm scars. It's been six months since I last cut and I want to be able to wear a bikini this year. It helps me to curl into a ball and tense all of my muscles and hold it for a few seconds. Then release. And. Ontinue until you feel calmer.

I'm sorry you are where you're at. It sounds a terrible place and I hope you find some peace soon that helps but isn't destructive to you.

What abut seeking medical help?

I know what you're going through and I'm sorry. It will feel so good in the moment, I know. It will feel fixed for a minute or two. But think about how you'd feel afterward. The regret and pain isn't worth the moments of calm. This thought process helps me. Good luck and lots of love.

Big hug for you no.... I hope today will be a little better for you.....xo