Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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Confusing

Madethkat
Madethkat

Very confused by my ex. When you're not feeling well how do you determine if the things you're saying and or doing is really how you feel?  


He is always going back and forth. One day loves me and misses me, can't wait to see me etc.  Then does not show up when he's supposed to, for me or the kids. Doesn't call or answer his phone.  And then our relationship is bad.  And in a week or 2, back to the prior.


Did not show up for Xmas, only gave 1 of our kids a present. Was supposed to come back in a few days and didn't.  The intent for us to go see a therapist.  He is not medicated and hasn't seen a pdoc or tdoc in almost 2 years.  He keeps saying he'll at least see a therapist but will never make an appointment.  And he is certain that our issues do not seem from his bp. I do not blame that for everything, but a lot of our issues are.


I know he is at his sister's right now where he is not supported for his bp.  Just having a hard time with his negativity and lack of communication. And I worry about him so much.  And this is frustrating.

BothsidesBroken
BothsidesBroken
It is frustrating. What can you do to make it better? Not much. Just take care of yourself and kids. Don't take him seriously, ever.
MarleneJ
MarleneJ
Personally, if he is not medicated, I would not have any expectations for him. He is the one who is confused, and that will not change until he gets help. I would not let someone put me on a roller coaster ride like that.

You might have to find a way to let go of him. I have a friend at church with a bipolar husband and he refuses to take meds (something to do with AA telling him meds are "addiction!" NOT). She finally realized he was not changing, because he simply cannot, without dealing properly with his bipolar disorder. (No excuse in Canada health care is free!).

Anyway, let go of expecting anything from him, and learn to stop worrying about him. It is not helping him in anyway, and only hurting you.
Madethkat
Madethkat
Thanks guys. That is a very hard thing to do. It would be a lot easier without the kids. They are 10 and 13. The older one especially. She gets mad at me. Its easier I think? I'm not going anywhere. And I really would like to believe when he says he wants our family. Just not acting on it, or anything for that matter.
Madethkat
Madethkat
Does it help to reach out when he's not communicating and being negative or no?
polarbare
polarbare
What would you do with a man who exhibited these behaviours without bipolar? People have to want to change. You can excuse behaviour only so much . Concentrate on yourself and your kids and make a life for you and them. In time maybe he will choose to be well but you can't put your life on hold. It's a tough decision but instability is not good for kids. He needs to put action behind his words or they are just words. ((Hugs)) polar
Madethkat
Madethkat
I appreciate the reply pb. My kids have dealt with the instability their whole lives. We have been together a long time. I used to think the only way they would have a decent relationship with him is if I was a buffer. Now like I say, older one gets mad at me for all of it. And I know. I use the bp for an excuse for his crappy behavior. Not what I should be doing.
dobiedots
dobiedots
actions speak louder than words. He sounds like he doesn't care about himself or you and your kids. I'd lose him. You're worth more than this.
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
Do you have BiPolar also? I'm probably the bad guy but if he's your ex, why are you having so much back and forth with him? You can set up a weekly schedule for him to visit his kids and arrange a 3rd party to supervise or transfer kids, however it's set up.

His welfare isn't your problem and you don't have to answer his calls or foster this broken relationship with him. He needs to learn how to deal with his illness by himself, he's an adult, doesn't need a caretaker. These situations are never good when Rules are not established and things are not clear....especially for someone with BiPolar who needs very strict Rules and Routines.

Hope you can figure this out for your kids sake.
arfie
arfie
When other people's adult illnesses are tying me in knots, my bigger question is, "Why am I letting their problems run MY life?" I keep the focus on functional boundaries and trust them to find their own solutions. I treat them like grown-ups, especially when I have actual, physical children depending on me.

Gentle support while you find what works for you, Madeth.
Madethkat
Madethkat
Thanks for all the replies. No oldercper I am not. He is my ex sort of. He has been gone on and off for year, but has wanted to come back home 3 times. The last being 4 months ago. I try to set boundaries but he has no other family where we live. And always he is "going" to get therapy going again but never does. He does not want to see a pdoc because he thinks they just want him to take a lot of meds he doesn't think he needs. We have visits set up supervised until he does get evaluated by his pdoc. That has been in place 1 year and he has not gone yet either. And a lot if the time he misses at least half of the set visit for one reason or another.
And I know this isn't my problem. But I do worry because he floats from place to place and his family isn't supportive of his bp.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
You can't do it for him. The only way someone else can do it for him if he gets sectioned or whatever the equivalent is in the US.

Unless something major happens he probably isn't going to change. So, ask yourself - do you still want to be doing this in say 5 years time?

If not you need to take the action to look after yourself and your children.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Made.... I agree with what others have stated here...... The children are really suffering the fallout from this
I would have really firm boundaries and if he's wavering maybe go to court re his visitation and child support
It may give him a push in the right direction and if not then I would take care of you and your children .....xo
Madethkat
Madethkat
Very depressing, but thank you all for your input.
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