I am in a position similar to Maitray's.I had an appointment with my pdoc which I canceled,because the truth is that I don't like or trust her,and I've been having fleeting suicidal thoughts for the last week or so,afraid if I mentioned that to her she'd put me in the hospital.And the hospital is a long distance from home. If she put me in there,I wouldn't even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush,and my sisters would be furious.That's what I fear most,that my sisters would know I was having thoughts of self-harm,which I know they view as weakness.
My pdoc's office is far away,I found her on the Internet because it's very difficult to get in to see a psychiatrist in my hometown.My oldest sister said,"You've been a pretty good girl lately." !!!!! I'm 52 years old !!!! When will she see me as a grown-up?
I have an appointment with my current tdoc next Wednesday,and an appointment with the pdoc right after (I rescheduled both appointments),because I can't find another pdoc on such short notice.My caseworker is supposed to help me,but she can't see me til next Tuesday.
For the past couple of days,I haven't had any more thoughts of hurting myself. But I am very much afraid of my sister,so much that I actually feel physically ill.I wish she could understand even a little bit.