Sounds like a stressful situation, one that perhaps is not the best for you to be in. Do you have somewhere else you can move to? Another safe place to stay? Sometimes we have to focus on what's best for us, our emotional and psychological health and well-being.....we can't always worry about what's best for others.

Unfortunately it often seems family dynamics can be hard to negotiate and make it difficult to take care of 'you' first.

I hope that you have a solution to this problem and can get some relief from the situation.

Take care,
K

I don't. And all my stuff is outside getting rained on but I don't want to bring it in because I'm done. And my heart is pounding because I'm so angry. I can't relax because I'm still here and will probably never get the respect I deserve

If I may ask, what level of respect do you think you deserve, and how does your brother disrespect you daily? I ask, in order to see if there might be a solution to this problem....

Sure.

He has a tone that is condescending, but it's known. he tells me that a lot of people mention it to him, but it's hard to just brush off asshole remarks with a rude tone esp cuz I'm bipolar. I have mentioned to him for more than 15 years to respect me, and everybody claims that I'm the problem. BUT he does respect my grandfather, who raised us. I mentioned today to him, would you take that tone with gramps? NO and he simply said, well, he has more experience than you. Basically confirming my thoughts. No matter how much he'll say "I DO respect you" the proof is in the pudding. If he did, like he does my grandfather, he wouldn't take that tone with me. It's honestly not my problem, but his, although it affects me. Now I'm here still, and pissed off, because in the fight I gave him mercy, which I don't even know why I did, I honestly just should have beat the fucking living shit out of him.

But I can't, he got into a motorcycle crash a year or so ago, and if his eye has some heavy trauma, he could go blind in one eye. So now, I'm the one who was right, but I'm the one who is apologizing, and I'm the one with the black eye.

Further, he's beat on me since I was young, maybe 5 years old. (26) I never hit back because I couldn't comprehend hitting someone you love, so sad. He used to manipulate me when I was younger, by swindling me in bad trades, for my candies, or toys, whatever. He'd trade me junk and I would be nice and take the trade but soon realizing that he is a snake.

I wish so badly that I could have repaid the years of disrespect in a flurry of punches, but of course I'm too nice to risk that blindness for him. Fuck him.

Owie yeowie. I can't think of anything that sucks harder than living someplace where I am not wanted. These days I am the one paying the rent, etc., for the privilege of not being wanted at home. Yucko, bucko, it doth sucko.

Gentle empathy, KC. Sure wish I had a magic wand for it. . . I keep buying new magic wands and none of them seem to work as advertised. WHERE IS MY perfect LIFE!!!!

Sigh. . . Please grant me patience. NOW!!!

P.S. Love the notion that you and bro were in an agreed upon boxing match when the dam broke. My middle-aged sons did their Bro Blow in the breakfast nook of their grandfather's house last weekend. Took out two windows and completely derailed the project that was in the works at the time. I am grateful the grandkids (1 and 3 years) were not present to watch the show. Got popcorn?

Big hug for you King.... I am sorry you're going through such a rough time..... Could you go to a shelter?... or is there a relative you could rent a room from
This isn't worth it.... If one of you hit your head and damage was done you could end up with criminal charges..... I hear your frustration ... I agree that it would be miserable.....xo