Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I used to be a nice person with lots of friends. I was a great cook. I had parties at my house that made people happy. I enjoyed life to the fullest. I would go off the rails, but most people enjoyed the spectacle. We BPers can be awesome in our manic state. I got meds for the depressions and I drank wine (a lot) but no one noticed.
THEN...fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, migraines and unimaginable pain made me snarl at the world and led me to make the worst decision of my life. I forgot I moved at 18 to get away from my parents...and I with all the stupidity I could muster, I moved home.
Since then (it turns out) I have been in a triggered PTSD state from an abusive childhood I completely forgot. I have few memories before 22. This state is a nasty blaming paranoid resentful ANGRY dissociative state. My parents have acted like they did back then: my mother told everyone at church I'm a drug addict (to cover for never even bringing me food even when I lost 60 lbs., my dad is ashamed that I am no longer a successful entrepreneur. And in this environment, the ick in me flourished:
- I felt pure humiliation losing my career and identity and I began to rage at the injustice.
- I was stood up at the altar (110 invitations) to a man my friend's were sure was wrong for me. I felt only humiliation even if it was a blessing.
-This Sept, I was arrested while walking my dog for mouthing off to a security guard- an off duty deputy who called two cars & four officers to corroborate her crazy story. (one charge dismissed, the other: $50 fine + $300 court fees) Louisiana - where corruption is an art form.
-getting arrested blew what reputation i had in this small southern town
-being roughed up by male cops triggered a memory of a rape I had suppressed for 30 years. (which seemed just fine suppressed)
-I was practically carried to a second psychiatrist who says I'm disassociative (Yep, good me and an alter bad me...both bipolar)
We did some good work with EMDR. I am the good me who can cook (I should be gaining weight!) MOST of the time. BUT I was triggered yesterday and I alienated the second to last friend I have here. I'm terrified I will flip into the triggered state and lose the one friend I have.
I've spent all day trying to identify my triggers...yesterday's trigger was a call from my case worker that my disability had been approved but someone in "quality assurance" knocked it back. Constant pain, no income, moved to toxic environment, hyper activated PTSD. I used to only be sick, now I am also a noxious bitch without warning. Wait, I guess I was a noxious both without knowing it first. Now I know it, I should be able to improve and I will move as soon as I can. But how do I cope with the mess of four years of being Ms. Poor Me, It's all your fault, F*#K YOU!
Basically people don't want to be around me and I don't blame them. I've acted horribly.
I reached out to try to make amends with the friend I burned yesterday. People act like I'm trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions if I explain so I simply apologize. I've had migraines every day since Dec 6. and I just noticed I have no emotion right now. I'm completely numb.
THEN...fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, migraines and unimaginable pain made me snarl at the world and led me to make the worst decision of my life. I forgot I moved at 18 to get away from my parents...and I with all the stupidity I could muster, I moved home.
Since then (it turns out) I have been in a triggered PTSD state from an abusive childhood I completely forgot. I have few memories before 22. This state is a nasty blaming paranoid resentful ANGRY dissociative state. My parents have acted like they did back then: my mother told everyone at church I'm a drug addict (to cover for never even bringing me food even when I lost 60 lbs., my dad is ashamed that I am no longer a successful entrepreneur. And in this environment, the ick in me flourished:
- I felt pure humiliation losing my career and identity and I began to rage at the injustice.
- I was stood up at the altar (110 invitations) to a man my friend's were sure was wrong for me. I felt only humiliation even if it was a blessing.
-This Sept, I was arrested while walking my dog for mouthing off to a security guard- an off duty deputy who called two cars & four officers to corroborate her crazy story. (one charge dismissed, the other: $50 fine + $300 court fees) Louisiana - where corruption is an art form.
-getting arrested blew what reputation i had in this small southern town
-being roughed up by male cops triggered a memory of a rape I had suppressed for 30 years. (which seemed just fine suppressed)
-I was practically carried to a second psychiatrist who says I'm disassociative (Yep, good me and an alter bad me...both bipolar)
We did some good work with EMDR. I am the good me who can cook (I should be gaining weight!) MOST of the time. BUT I was triggered yesterday and I alienated the second to last friend I have here. I'm terrified I will flip into the triggered state and lose the one friend I have.
I've spent all day trying to identify my triggers...yesterday's trigger was a call from my case worker that my disability had been approved but someone in "quality assurance" knocked it back. Constant pain, no income, moved to toxic environment, hyper activated PTSD. I used to only be sick, now I am also a noxious bitch without warning. Wait, I guess I was a noxious both without knowing it first. Now I know it, I should be able to improve and I will move as soon as I can. But how do I cope with the mess of four years of being Ms. Poor Me, It's all your fault, F*#K YOU!
Basically people don't want to be around me and I don't blame them. I've acted horribly.
I reached out to try to make amends with the friend I burned yesterday. People act like I'm trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions if I explain so I simply apologize. I've had migraines every day since Dec 6. and I just noticed I have no emotion right now. I'm completely numb.
Catherine, Wel-l-lll mow that's a very interested article. Particularly well documented. I took a stab at the issue back in 2004 when I wrote a book about women and power. (I've got four published and still in print.) I documented the micro-behaviors taken - by women as well- to marginalize/shun women -- okay, ME.
I interviewed a lot of women and identified how we get elbowed off to the side etc. The editor (I had a contract, advance, etc)turned into a monster like those "Transformer" special effects The Anti-Woman. "there is no difference.' "I don't feel I'm treated differently" Men "I think you are just taking things too personally."
Every time I introduced my findings into a conversation - any gender combination - they would scapegoat me. Only one woman to another , in a non competitive environment did I hear the stories.
I just decided it was a cross I didn't want to die on. who knew I'd be dying soon anyway (metaphorically)
The woman has manage to take my disability, my loss of career, and turn it into a way for her to get sympathy. I get sucked in when people say I'm not being loving. Because I've desperately wanted my mother to love me all my life. She has two of the best (and I mean truly good hearted people) families in our church who have adopted her as "Grandmother."
So, anyway, just taking that present, trying to love her unconditionally. the aspiration of forgiveness - you know for me, not her. Which I do aspire to do. Nearly took me down into a state of self hatred, I cried, I went into the dark place all over again.
You are completely right. I'm no Jesus, I'm just a bipolar disabled chick with mean, narcissistic parents who trained me from birth to hate myself. My Aunt is well meaning, but she is asking me to do something that is bad for me. And she is asking me to do something to make herself feel better, so she can pretend it wasn't/isn't that bad. Like the rest of the family. Unbiased means indifferent.
THANKS for the reality check. I almost forgot to take care of my self. I am moving as soon as I can from this town. And as of today, I will not pretend again that I'm reaching out to my mother. And I'm NOT cashing that damn check because it makes my skin crawl.