So I go to my fourth new pdoc in two years. My original pdoc died. Been having trouble getting one that took my insurance but this one did and he had good patient reviews online. I was having a little anxiety because each new doctor makes me relive all my history which is traumatic.

He first says "I see you're on disability. What do you do in your spare time?" Instead of answering him I unexpectedly broke out in sobs. He goes "So you're a hermit. It's ok." I finally squeaked out "It didn't use to be this way." He says "I understand."

The rest is just a rambling sobbing blur. He didn't make me relive my history. He just listened. He was gentle and soft spoken. He said we'll work on that depression some. It turns out instead of seeing a patient every 3 months like most pdocs do, he sees his monthly. He feels it lets him know the patient better and keep tabs on things.

I have so lost the passion for life for fear of mania. Every time I get "back out there" I have a huge psychotic episode and recovery is pure hell. So I'm petrified of any change out of the depression. I try to live in the moment, but I am mainly biding my time till this life is over. Maybe, just maybe, this pdoc can help. I don't want to get my hopes up though.