no matter what I do... I can't win.

Stay on these meds... suffer from the consequences. I stress everyday about how I have no ambition and I used to have all ambition! Go getter bright future... Memory loss is a big one.. sometimes I can't remember what happened the day before... definitely not a week before that's reaching.. sometimes even during the day I can't remember everything from the morning.

My friend suggested I go on the gentle meds they give pregnant ladies so it's less harmful to my body. I resented him for saying that years ago... but I want to consider it now!

But that means a whole different Andrea, a whole different life. I may be unstable... probably unstable.

Why can't I just be me? I was such a great kid before this all happened.

I'm really bitter at this illness and unfortunately, I hate to say it.... I'm bitter at God. I pray to him every night begging him to take the bad thoughts away and to let me sleep. Nope, doesn't happen.

I'm probably just talking to myself... so.... that's fine. Just freaking out a little.

Most of these f'n drugs jack you up and are literally poison...poison to me anyway....I took the alternative route....fish oil...beer....And last but not least, sex, drugs, and rock and roll!!!!!!!!!....Anyhoo.....Anti-deppresants...jagged up my sex drive and killed my wanker for a while.....screw that....got off that stuff....Had me on risperdal which LITERALLY made me deathly ill for like 3 years.....Then carbamazapine....screwed my bloodwork...Depakote...screwed my bloodwork....high doses of abilify...gave me akethesia ....felt the need to crawl out of my skin.....All I know is that I got off all meds except 5mgs of Abilify a day and I feel better then ever....So go figure....I reckon if I had the answer I would be a millionaire.....What do I know...The pdoc's say I am goofy.....So...party on...woo...hoo....

AHHH I need to do that.... but I can't... I might lose my family and friends. rrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Rock on!

I'd discuss this with your doc. It could be the meds and it could just be you. It's good to know. I believe that the right meds can do us a lot of good.

Hi grenadine,
For so many years I just took the pills making the big mistake of trusting my doctor. That was a big mistake. I took almost all the bp drugs and none of them worked well and caused so many dreadful sides including: rapid weight gain, insatiable hunger, joint pain, insomnia, sleepiness, and many others. Now I just take lithium with some acceptable sides and the only drug so far to really help a lot. I see that you are already on it, but anti-depressants are not only ineffective for bp depression, but also cause instability.

The main thing to understand is that pharmaceutical companies do not actually care to help us or anyone suffering from any condition. Their only interest is in making money for themselves and their shareholders. Your best bet is to never trust them. They design drugs which lead to type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, acid reflux, and high cholesterol while selling drugs to treat those conditions in order to make more and more money, not to help you. Drugs are products, nothing more. When I took Seroquel, Depakote, and others with them I became obese and also developed high cholesterol, acid reflux, and other conditions related to eating enormous quantities of food practically all day long. My blood pressure was just about high.

I'm not saying to not use any meds, but make sure that they actually work and that you won't end up dying from taking them or be in so much turmoil that the benefits aren't worth it. I really wish you the best of luck and I strongly suggest NOT using alcohol, pot, or any other street drugs.

I agree, street drugs are bad. I'm definitely going to sort this out with my doc. I went to the beach and watched the sunrise and I talked to god and said poetry to nature. I feel a bit at peace with my situation and I can always tweak, not the end of the world.

Thanks guys.

FYI.....I was just kidding with the sex...drugs...and rock and roll bit......And beer gives me BAD hangovers now and days.....oh well!!!!

I believe there are good docs and not so good docs out there. It is my hope that people don't let the BAD docs be a deterrent to their hope of becoming better. I know someone like that, I always tell him to never give up, keep looking for that 'good' doc out there who will help. I hate the idea of having to take drugs in hopes of being somewhat normal as they seem to fail miserably! My best attribute is that I can't give up on my hopes and dreams dispite this horrible disease- that's what Bipolar is. Sure, I sometimes ask " Why me?" Just never give up and do what you gotta do to help yourself- read everything you can, ask questions, learn from other's experiences, be well informed! You can do it, Grenadine : )

Janet,
I hope that I didn't imply that I thought all docs were bad nor that all meds are. I grew up only taking things like anti-biotics, Tylenol, and cold meds, things like that. When I first saw a pdoc in 1996 I basically used the things I'd learned about meds from those I'd used in the past. None of them frak'd with my sleep, made me hungry nonstop, or anything like that. So the 1st pdoc started me on some stuff and I just swallowed the pills with not even the slightest question or wonder at what they might do to my body. Soon after I was on Risperdal and Depakote. Besides dystonia, my appetite increased big time, but I had NO idea whatsoever that Risperdal was doing that. I did recognize other things as sides, but not all of them. When my wife divorced me I lost insurance so had to go off meds for a year. When I was able to go back on was when I went on Seroquel - 300mgs the first night. I felt drunk and frak'd completely. I was also back on Depakote. I did not get dystonia since no Risperdal so I just thought, "It's all good." I didn't suspect the meds like I now am careful to do.

Yeah, it does suck to have bp and it sucks to have to take meds, but we all should carefully monitor what the meds are doing and not allow them to kill us or cause conditions like diabetes. I have had type 1 diabetes for over 29 years and I hate it, but at least I have much knowledge to control it. The people here who developed type 2 due to therapy for bp have really been slapped hard in the face by the pharma companies. I feel really bad for my fellow beepers who developed diabetes and other complications due to drugs that they willingly took only hoping for relief. Good luck to us ALL.

i found out long ago..better not to look them up..this can trigger your thinking..

When medications are approved by the FDA, one of their requirements is that ALL the side effects that occur in their human trials are listed as possible side effects. And most of the side effects are relatively benign. I'd talk to your dr. about how you feel about it. I resisted taking meds for many years because of the same fear. But now that I'm needing to take them, I am finding it's not so bad (for me at least...everyone's reactions to different medications can be different)

In the medications you've listed, Lithium is the only one that usually can cause a serious problem, so you have to monitor it carefully. Most of the time when people have these kinds of fears (including me) it is because they don't know enough about whatever they're afraid of.

Here's some info about Lithium I've put together in the past:

Lithium is a very potent, usually effective, drug. It works well especially for those who are more manic than depressed. I am surprised, though, that people do not seem to be very well educated about how to manage using it.
There are three main things to consider:

1) Water intake - Lithium is a metal ion salt, so your water intake is important. Too much water, and you lose some of the effectiveness of the medicine. Too little water, and you can start to get toxic. When you first start taking Lithium, you should drink 2-3 liters of water a day, and for maintenance, 1-2 liters. And when it's hot, make sure you make up the difference.
2)Toxicity - Lithium has a very narrow toxicity range, which means, it doesn't take a lot of extra dosage to start to make you sick. This includes getting dehydrated, which will effectively, increase the level of the drug in your body. If you miss a dose, do not double up on it. Just take the next scheduled dose.
Signs of mild toxicity: (call your Dr.) vomiting, diarrhea, poor coordination, fine tremors (small shaking), weakness, lastitude (fatigue),
Signs of major toxicity: (go to ER, or call your dr. if available) course tremors (large shaking) severe thirst (be sure it's not from heat & dehydration) tinnitus (ringing, tinkling buzzing, etc. in the ear) dilute urine (very light colored when you haven't been drinking lots of water, etc. to make it that way.)
3) Lithium can damage your thyroid gland. Be sure your Dr. takes regular (every week at first, then every 2 months) blood tests to check your blood level. Talk to your Dr. about this risk before taking it.

For those females who are taking it, is a drug schedule "D" which means it is highly toxic to the fetus, and careful attention to birth control should be followed.

Lithium is usually given for people who are more manic than depressed. Lamactil is usually given for people who are more depressed than manic, although there are others for each case.

Lithium is the best known drug for controlling manic episodes. If you need it, you should take it. Just be very careful and educate yourself about it as much as possible.

Other possible side effects:
(those that effect the central nervous system): headache, drowsiness, dizziness, tremors, twitching, ataxia(lack of voluntary muscle coordination, ,ie: clumsiness) seizure, slurred speech, rest- lessness, confusion, stupor, memory loss, clonic movement(spasm), fatigue(tiredness)

(those that effect the gastric system (digestion): dry mouth, anorexia (lack of appetite)nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, incontinence (bowel), abdominal pain, metallic taste in mouth.

(those that can effect the urinary system): polyuria, (peeing a lot) glycouria (sugar in urine) proteinuria, (protein in urine) albuminuria (albuminates in urine) incontinence, polydypsia, (excessive thirst)edema, (swelling from water retention) (those that effect the circulatory system): hypotension (low blood pressure)changes in ECG (heart rhythm), dysrhythmias, (irregular heart beat) circulatory collapse.

(those that can effect the skin:)drying of hair, alopecia, (hair loss)pruritis,(severe itching)rash,hyperkeratosis,(rough skin) acneiform lesions (pimples)folliculitis (inflammation of a hair follicle)(those that effect the blood system:) leukocytosis -(increase of leukocytes, a type of blood cell)

(those that effect the ears & eyes:) tinnitus (ringing of ears),blurred vision. (those that effect the glands & hormonal system: hyponatrimia (low sodium in blood) hypothyroidism (low thyroid), goiter, hyperglycemia, (high blood sugar)hyperthyroidism (high thyroid.)

You should know that, if you have not already been told, lithium has a very narrow toxicity range. What this means is, it does not take much too much to make it become toxic. Signs of minor toxicity: vomitting, diarhea, poor coordination, fine tremors, weakness, lastitude (fatigue) Signs of major toxicity: coarse (large) tremors, severe thirst, tinnitus(ringing in ears), dilute urine.(very light colored). Lithium is very bad for a fetus if you should become pregnant.

It can also cause severe damage to your thyroid if you should have a reaction. It is a very effective drug, but you should discuss thoroughly with your Dr. about the possible side effects. You are the one who will suffer the consequences if there are any. Your pharmacist is also a good (and more impartial than your dr.) resource for info, especially for interactions with other meds, side effects, risks, etc.
Also, here are a couple of websites that are very useful in finding good info about Lithium and virtually any other medication you want to learn about:

www.webmd.com and www.drugs.com

PS ~~ also, when you take these kinds of meds in particular, you get some of these side effects temporarily while your body is adjusting to it. So if you get them and they are more annoying than unbearable, let your dr. know you have them, and unless he takes you off them, stick with it for a couple of weeks if you can because they often go away with time.

Jimgreg- I agree in so many aspects! But I just gotta : )
Freethinkr7 No, I know there are a lot of risks with meds- I hate it! I already read about the 'natural' stuff a long time ago (5-HTP and such) but realized I couldn't afford it nor would insurance pay for that kind of stuff so I came to the realization that I only had 2 choices - taking nothing at all and living like this or taking my chances with these chemecals that our bodies aren't designed to ingest! I hear ya about the drug companies! I know there are side effect risks for everything so we just have to be informed and watch out! This is a rough life looking for meds to help with our stmptoms, hoping SOMETHING will help us feel somewhat normal! I, as a typical female, always ask first 'Will it cause weight gain?' even though I know everyone's chemical makeup are completely different. I just want to make the best possible choices and try to know somewhat what I'm taking, you know? Sorry about your many issues caused by meds : ( Today I'm 'UP' - I guess described as hypomanic (I'm trying to keep up with the ' umbrella terms') I'm not on any meds at this time due to moving to another state and I noticed very rapid 'rapid cycling'. I use to take Lamictal and Xanax but didn't help all my symptoms....I see on this site a lot of people take 4,5,6 or more meds...I was offered Seroquil by my family doc b/c it has taken almost 2 mo to get my pdoc appt (Monday, thankfully) but I didn't take it...this site has helped me tremendiously so thanks to you and everyone else for your support, wisdom, and knowledge : )

Unfortunately with our disorder what works for one may not work for another.. and side effects are possible... some even probably.. . the key is really what works for you with minimal side effects..
It took me quite some time to find the right cocktail....More recently I started on a med that's made the biggest most positive change Ive had....there are certainly possible serious side effects..thus far.. Im doing well..
I would talk to your doctor if it were me about side effects you can't tolerate as opposed to what you can live with ... perhaps some of this can be helped.... BP does and will cause changes in our lives.. Im afraid that's something we have to accept.. but it doesn't mean we can't embrace what we have and who we are... I hope you'll feel better soon gren... big hug for ya..x

Yeah I sometimes think it's best not to look up the side effects, it's good to stay informed to a degree. You mostly have to go with how you are feeling and try staying on the lowest possible dose of whatever you are taking, as possible. I think the pdocs tend to slam us on higher doses because they see us at our worst.......sometimes just lowering a drug dosage is key not totally going off or switching it. Good luck to you!