I can pin point three events that have literally scared the life out of me.  The after effects are long lasting and I am having a very hard time processing this latest one.

First instance: I was out of town and came home to a policeman telling me I couldn't go to my house because it had burned down.  All I saw in the distance was dark.  I asked him quickly where my family was and like some dumb teenager he shugged his shoulders, "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know, FIND THEM." I screamed at him.  He stumbled to his car and still had nothing for me.  I sped into town to a friend who told me they were at a motel.  I found them safe but for a long time I dreamed of the dark, and terror and smell of smoke.  Even now the news reporting fires sets me on edge and emotionally shaky.

Second instance: Later in life after I was diagnosed with BP my dad was as well.  A reaction to the stress of the house burning down.  After the initial manic phase he sank into a very low depression for about three years.  I was away in college in Pheonix and I didn't make it home to Nebraska except for holidays.  When I came home for good I was shocked to see how bad he really was.  I sat down with my mom and went over his medication.  I'm not shrink but they made no sense, like the doctor was chasing side affects.  Mom told me she didn't have many alternatives.  They were already driving 5 hours one way to see this guy and the next available was 8 hours.  A new clinic was opening soon that was 4 hours away but it had a waiting list.  So I came up with the insane plan of taking him all the way to Pheonix to see my shrink down there.  She reluctantly saw us and I sat and listened to my dad tell her that not only did he think of suicide he did so several times a day and had the gun picked out to do it.  I stopped looking at my dad and saw only my patient the rest of the trip.  But this was the turning point and in the end my dad walked me down the aisle this summer.

Third Instance: My new husband had a bad tooth pulled.  I came home from being out of town to find him buried under blankets, shivering so hard he bounced off the bed and a 104 temp.  I took him to the ER.  I was a stand alone place and we were the only patients there.  I reported to the doctor everything with my husband begging for something for the pain in his head and throat.  The doctor actually asked us what we would suggest he give us!  The nurse made a comment about a cough drop but that they didn't have one!  The gave us some half measures to appease us and I was deathly afraid that we would be sent home no better than we were.  I panicked while trying to look calm scared about where would I get help if I couldn't get it from an emergency room.  Finally my husband's vitals tanked and they took us seriously then.  

I keep having this dream that we got turned out and on the way to the next ER he gets worse, non responsive and by the time we get there the staff have him covered in ice packs and putting in IV and ventalator tubes.  My husband is better but still very sick and it is wearing me down taking care of him, worrying and not sleeping well.  He doesn't remember most of this and shrugs it off, but I can't do that so easily. I'm so tired and angry.