Greetings,

I don't have the time to write with an 'Unquiet Mind' so I will try to be succinct.

I grew up in home where both love and distress resided. My parents were supportive of each other and cared for me. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was two. My father did not handle her illness well and turned to gambling as a coping mechanism.

By the time I was 10, we had separated from my father. The feelings I could not articulate were expressed through compulsive hair pulling which has continued through adulthood.

Surprisingly, my father died before my mom; just before my 11th birthday. He gambled the money he needed to buy his prescriptions and died from an insulin attack. My grandmother died two months later.

School was something that was constant and predictable. I did well and often agonized over my academic success. School numbed me to the fact that my mother was still ill. Her cancer returned when I was in high school and she passed away during my senior year.

College was a platform for success socially and academically. I did well in school. I was on track to return home after graduation, until my last parent, my grandfather died. With his passing, my world began to fall apart. I did not have a 'home' to return to. The uncertainty in my life led to my first major depressive episode.

To keep things relatively short, I 'hallucinated; twice; once by myself, the second time in front of family. They were both spirtual in nature and communicating what I saw came off as ranting and I was brough to the hospital. There was mania there too, but I'm trying to keep it short.

I was placed on an arsenal of medications (5 + iron supplement). I gained 70lbs in less than a year, started my career, had difficulty performing, lost my job the following year and had COBRA to help pay for medications.

That did not go very well. A few years later, after diligently seeing both the therapist and psychiatrist and then paying the $500 per month for medications, I went cold turkey.

During this time, I started a job, bought a car, lost the same job, and then got disoriented on public transportation. I couldn't remember banking information or phone numbers. I managed to walk to a local hospital which released me because they could not treat my mental illness at that facility.

I was found by my family and then hospitalized. I chose to enter a study upon my discharge and then eventually picked myself back up.

I have insurance! and am seeing a psychiatrist I like. This doctor has taken the time to listen and collaborate with me to find the best method of treatment. My goal is to be on as little medication as possible.

Bi-polar...hmmm. I know that it stems from a chemical imbalance, yet you will never make me believe that what I saw wasn't real or that my response to the external factors in my life was irrational. The grandiose ideas that we have are the same as the politicians who seek to change (rule) the world. I just don't have a Tony Robbins or an administrative team on stand-by.

The 'sane' thing for me to do now is to measure my thoughts against the reality of life and shape my environment to support my weaknesses and enhance my strengths. I must also acknowledge when I am not well and quickly seek help before I get 'sick.'

I am a highly irritable, easily distracted individual with a desire to do what's right. Thank you for welcoming me into the group.

Prayers and best to you all.