A Battlefield

By Victor M. Parachin

Reprinted from Bereavement Magazine
5125 North Union Boulevard., Suite #4
Colorado Springs, CO 80918


A death by any one of the many self-destructive ways triggers great amounts of anger and guilt. However, some of those feelings can be balanced by struggling to see that the death was not so much a deliberate, hostile act, but a gesture of utter hopelessness and despair.

Reminders that the person was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that it was impossible to sense any ray of hope can temper, considerably, the emotional impact of a self-destructive death.

One of the best responses to such a death that I have ever heard came through a sermon delivered by the pastor of a young man who recently had died a self-destructive death.

With great eloquence, his pastor was able to convey tremendous hope through these words:



"Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war.

He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance.

For one thing--he has won our admiration--because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and only God knows what this child of his suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands!"

I can only tell you why I tried to commit suicide. After losing my mom, dad and brother and almost my own life I knew I couldn't stand to lose anyone else. I was going thru a hard time with the guy I was seeing. I thought I had lost him too and I could not bear to go thru anymore loss and I felt that was my only option. I knew the sun would come up the next day, but it hurt so m uch I just wanted that hurt to go away. I wanted to join the rest of my family. I have felt so alone with them gone. I don't think anyone ever really understands the circumstances behind suicide. I can tell you it is a pain you never wish on any one else. You are in a place so dark and so deep you feel like all hope is gone. You think the world will be better off without you. It might be selfish but it is not anything anyone takes lightly. I still struggle to find a reason to get up every morning. I can't promise I will never do it again, but I can tell you it is something I don't take lightly. I hope maybe that shed some light on maybe why. We all have our own reasons but we would not do it if we thought there were some other answer to the problem at hand.

Thanks for sharing that arabgirl. It must be a really hard place to be. I'm so glad that you're fighting and I hope that it gets better really soon.

In the past few months I had a friend commit suicide. He was 46 with 2 young kids. He killed himself because he'd lost his job and had no money. I wish he'd asked for help, but I suppose that he felt he couldn't and that there was no way out. I feel guilty that I didn't contact him in the last few months of his life and sad that he's gone.

Claresmom,
I am trying, but some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. What I really miss. Those 3 people who are gone I miss so much. We could talk, and talk things out. I feel lonely and scared. I do the whole safe life routine. I am basically a creature of habit. I know I am just going thru the motions rather than living. I just feel dead inside. But mom and dad did not raise a quitter. But is playing it safe really living?
suhaila