I can't stand it when ppl say she's in a "better place, no more pain, no more sorrow". There was nothing wrong with where she was at. She had an accident. She wasn't sick. She wasn't in any pain. She was happy. Enjoying life. Working, going to college. Everything she couldn't wait to do after she gradated high school. I guess ppl just don't know what to say.

SkittlezMoM, that is what people said to me about my friend Cori, and I felt the exact same way. He was only eighteen, happy, and about to graduate.

For the longest time, people would ask me "Are you okay?" and I had no idea how to respond, because CLEARLY I was not okay, I'd just lost my best friend. Then there was the time that, while my estranged dad and I were in a fight, he told me that he'd only heard me say negative things about Cori and that I needed to 'get over it' - which was absolutely ridiculous. I called Cori a brother in the truest sense, and while of course we had our arguments since he was so hotheaded, I never only said negative things about him, especially not to my dad.

I think my all time favorite is " things happen for a reason and that they are in a better place now. I agree with the better place because I know God is taikng good care of them up there, but do we ever really find out the real reason they died? I'm still wondering to this day why my mother left us so suddenly and heartbroken.

While I was grieving over the death of my father and brother, I was fortunate that I had many family members who were supportive. There really isn't anything that one can say to take the pain away. It's an anguish like no other. It's hard to hear when people say, "Time will heal." I remember thinking, "Time is not going to heal my pain." I understand that it's not easy for people to understand completely what I am going through; they have never lossed or witnessed the passing of a loved one. There are times when I want to scream after realizing that some individuals only think of their needs; they don't take a moment to feel what others are going through. I've learned over the years to surround myself with people who have a strong sense of compassion and empathy.

While I was grieving over the death of my father and brother, I was fortunate that I had many family members who were supportive. There really isn't anything that one can say to take the pain away. It's an anguish like no other. It's hard to hear when people say, "Time will heal." I remember thinking, "Time is not going to heal my pain." I understand that it's not easy for people to understand completely what I am going through; they have never lost or witnessed the passing of a loved one. There are times when I want to scream after realizing that some individuals only think of their needs; they don't take a moment to feel what others are going through. I've learned over the years to surround myself with people who have a strong sense of compassion and empathy. I came across this quote to which I could relate: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.' ~From a headstone in Ireland

"everyone has to die sometime, I guess it was his time". that came from his sister, my sister, you know the one that couldnt be botherd to go and get checked to see if her blood matched for a bone marrow transplant? Her, the one that after I lost my daughter, said to a friend at a party not to be embarrassed cause she asked my husband and I if we had kids, I told her we just lost our daughter,)my sister said "she loves to wallow in the self pity, she loves all the attention" (six days after the funeral) I hate my sister. I love my nephew, but hate her. people are idiots including some family members, you have to just ignore them and know that someday they will be dealing with something horrible.

Agreed.
Some people are just insensitive to people who are suffering.
Still..I wouldn't wish what we have been through on them.
Not saying you are doing that but I have to fight that urge myself.
The urge to resent those people and to wish bad for them.
I hope you can deal with this and not let it undermine how you are coping with your pain.

what happend???

yes please let me relive and retell the story how my loved one died.

federalmom, that one is irritating as well...especially because people tended to ask me IMMEDIATELY after Cori's death.

Another thing that I forgot to mention was that, the day of his death, I had gone home from school and went online to look for other friends and to see if people were going to get together or what, and a girl I knew IMed me with a link to a news article about the accident. She neglected to tell me that there were pictures of his car in the article. I opened the page and the first thing I saw was an image of his wreckage, which was horrifying. I literally got sick. It was awful.

I just wanted to ask that same question. People don't know what else to say. So I am from back east and I turn a lot of statements into dry humor like for how are you today i say HOW GOOD DO YOU FEEL IN A DAY? and when people say dumb things like how are you dealing or other personal questions I say It's hard but I made it this far and now I'm in front of you so I'd say I'm alive. PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US LIKE WE ARE CRAZY AND WE THINK THEY ARE CRAZY FOR EXPECTING US TO "JUST HEAL ALREADY" I have really learned how incapable of EMPATHY people really are.

Worst thing I was told- "At least you guys knew it was coming, so you had time to prepare,""It's not as bad as someone dying suddenly." Are you serious???
There is nooooooooooo amount of preparation!
There's a HUGGGGGGE negative in both cases. We had to sit and watch my mom in agony, watch the life sucked out of her, watch her become invalid after leading such a strong, independent life- SUUUUURE that's much easier to do than say, her passing from a sudden, unexpected heart attack or car accident. With my grandmother, we didn't really know, she was here, then she was gone, nothing was in order, it was a huge shock. It was equally as difficult to deal with.

I absolutely cannot stand when someone attempts to "be out hurt."

I am reading all these comments and have heard many of them myself.

It is difficult for people to know what to say. I give most people credit for trying. Many people -- who I truly felt were my friends --have said nothing at all. They have avoided talking with me about the loss of my husband and have slowly moved "out of my life."

I don't know what the right words would be myself. I try to make sense of the last year -- the cancer diagnosis, the treatments, the "fight" my husband went through, the choice of the oncology team... what went wrong? What, if anything, did we do right?

I believe that people just don't know what to say. I guess it is best if they are just "there for you but with closed mouths."