I have been told not to "obssess" over my son that passed away almost a yr ago.
There really is not a real good way(that I have found) to deal with this type of response
When I am asked how I am doing I just reply with "I am doing as good as to be expected"
time will healall wounds"I dont believe I can heal from this one,

Yes, I agree. People upset me when they berate me, call me retarted, say I am Just too lazy to work, had it easy all my life, hypocondriac, laughing at me behind my back. It also upsets me greatly when people who I thought were my friends will not stick up for me if another person is nasty or pushy. I had this experience with my ex-girlfriend who is listening to the guy I liked, him telling all these things about me, to everyone in town, further isolating me. I feel so badly about this but he won't stop. Like he's on a mission to get people to dislike me. I can honestly say though, if she marries this drug-addicted, lying, although brilliant and charming and fun; it's on her. Thank you.

Hi there,
I totally agree with your feelings about how people don't realize the affect of what they are saying on you. I hate when people say "everything happens for a reason" DAmnit!!!! I got that after my miscarraige and after my brothers death. No, accidents happen... People are so damn insensitive. Time heals all wounds is total BS as well. Everyone is different and some things we never get over. I'm sorry everyone who has ever received a dumb comment that does'nt help... These people that throw out stupid comments are better off not saying anything at all. I deal with these kind of people by considering the source. Obviously they are insecure and have not gotten over something themselves. I have a big mouth and if they piss me off enough they will hear it...

My husband passed away 4-30-08 I have had people tell me, get over it,don't worry you'll see him again someday,he's not hurting anymore,its time to go on with your life,stop dwelling on it,people die everday, oh and I can find another husband! So I know how you feel! I am going to grieve for as long as I need too!, I am not going to let anyone tell me its time to go on, until I am ready.

With each loss in my life, I heard some incredibly stupid and hurtful comments. My least favorite is the "it was God's will" comment - as though the pain was some kind of punishment or retribution - it is not and don't ever let yourself buy into that kind of guilt. People are often clueless, sometimes insensitive, occasionally rude and intentionally hurtful. I was told I needed to "be strong" as though I wasn't (I am). I was told I needed to "be more positive and trust in Jesus" by someone who was the most negative person I ever met and is totally clueless regarding the depth of my beliefs. The hard part for me was the recognition that many people that I thought understood me did not understand me at all. The flip side of that, however, was I discovered that others cared more for me than I had realized - I found out who the real heroes in life are. My social circle has gone through a major shift in consequence. As far as what to say:

How are your doing? "I'm doing, that's the best I can tell you for today."
It is time to move on. "I am, at my pace."
Time heals all wounds. "That's a myth, but check back with me in a year, okay?"
Why are you keeping this stuff? "Because it's MY stuff now."
You need to get out of the house. "I will, just as soon as you leave."

Okay, maybe some of that was a little harsh. I will find the Mourner's Bill of Rights and bump it up again, as it puts it much better than I can. Hugs.

my name is vader and I am the founder of the Sibling Loss Group.And I want to say that you are perfectly right about people.i live in seattle now and have been here since 1995.I was here when my mother and brother died and I left right away to go to New York..My brothers death notice was in a New York paper..it wasnt in the papers here..yet people still stop me and today someone whom I havent seen saw me.Then she asked about my brother..when I told her that Frank died..she asked"How did he die?" Now this is a very disgusting question..why does she want to know? Why do people come out of the wood works when a person dies and then fade away? Are they telling us we are flakey because we are and still are in deep mourning?And what does she care ? People have some nerve..she also knew that Frank was ill..so she feels a bit quilty for neglecting me and not answering my calls.But remember..you will always have beautiful memories of him and I do..I will never forget him.I have got to go..my cats are meowing again..got to feed them!

I have had some of the dumbest responses, about 2 months after my mom went missing a very strong catholic woman said to me oh was your mom a Christian, I looked funny at her but said yes, why and she said well if she was a Christian then she is in heaven and it doesn't matter how she died. I shook my head and said you mean to tell me if I take my cane and wrap it around your neck and beat you to death it is ok because you are a Christian, my friend was standing next to me but backed up and smiled right after this woman said this cause she knew I was going to nail her to the wall. By the way I am only 4 "10 and am disabled, but since we know my mom was murdered just don't know where she is or where body is, This woman was lucky to make it out alive, lol.

Yes I have to agree with you when someone hasn't lost a Loved one they can't imagine the pain and unknown to them how hurtful they are with their comments.
I have lost my Thomas alittle over 14 months ago and I have still not gotten over his
passing especially when I tried for 25 minutes giving CPR trying to save him. He was my Life and I have never had that kind of Love and How dare anyone judge my grief. I have moved forward but I have not moved ahead if that makes sense. I still Hurt I believe you never get over the loss. I believe you carry it in your heart forever and It does get easier but you still and will always have the pain!! You cherish their memories and hold them dear! I can now smile in remembrace of things we did or something he said and not forgetting our plans together.
The loneliness is what hurts the most.missing even when you are with and surrounded by people you are still alone.
People who haven't lost a loved one
can't understand that, until it happens to them.
I take their comments and give it to God and I pray for a lightened heart. Love to you bless you Sandi

I understand where you are coming from.but i think people just don't know what to say so they don't think before they speak.IN 2006 WE LOST 2 OF OUR SONS 4 DAYS APART.THE OLDEST WAS 36 AND HAD A HEART ATTACK AND THE OTHER WAS 34 AND WAS KILLED IN A CAR WRECK RIGHT AFTER HIS BROTHERS FUNERAL.WE WERE SO FORUNATE THAT WE HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS AND SUPPORT.THE COMMETS I LET PASS ME AS I HAD BEEN GUILTY OF SAYING THEM TO OTHER PEOPLE BEFORE THIS HAPPENED .I KNOW LONGER SAY THOSE THINGS TO SOME ONE.I USE TO ANSWER THOSE WHO SAID I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN BARE THIS.I TOLD THEM I HAD NO CHOICE .I HAVE A VERY STRONG FAITH AND I KNOW MY SONS ARE IN HEAVEN SO I JUST LET MOST OF IT GO IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER.I WILL HEAL AT MY PACE AND GRIEF AS LONG AS IT TAKES.I THINK IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY BUT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME.......BETTY

Day after Christmas I was crying because it was first Christmas without my mom. A family member told me: "It's been three months. Please. Look at yourself. You have to move on." And I know I was told that in good intention. But I felt like no one understood.

A good friend keeps telling me: 'I'm afraid time is not on your side.' First time she told me that a month after mom died. Only a month.

And she also told me: 'You are a catholic and as one you shouldn't be in such a pain.' So because I'm a catholic I suppose not to grieve or feel any of those painful emotions. I'm only a human.

I know that people really want to help me, but I think they can't cope with my emotions, at least they don't know how. And I don't resent them. Just feel so alone in my pain.

Yip...i do can say i have had these comments. One that really pissed me off (sorry for the language) was actually said to my little sister. She is 12, 11 when our Dad passed away, and she was in the toilets at school crying as her uncle had passed away (After her Nana and our Dad) and it was hard for her. Her so called mate says to her 'you need to get over it, your dad and all, and move on, crying isnt going to change anything, you NEED to be with us more'
My little sister told me this and i actually cried (she is my half sis who was told about me 6 months after our dads funeral) this 'mate' of my sisters obviously hasnt had to deal with lossing someone she loves...

I have had MY bestie say to me 5 weeks after Dad passed away 'common man, its been 5 weeks, if it was me i would be so over it by now' i dont think i talked to her for about 2-3 weeks for saying that i was so upset.
Sometimes i think u just have to experiance to even begin to understand it.

Love and hugs xoxox

The worst for me was: Well, at least he did NOT suffer long, and while I am GLAD that he did not, it did not give us an opportunity to talk... I remember receiving a letter from a group and it said: Don"t tell me everything will be o.k, Don't tell me he's always with you, Don't tell me he's no longer in pain, Don't tell me he is in a better place, Don't EVER tell me "you must be strong". If there is ever a time I should be permitted to e weak, this is it... Others that have not had such a loss have NO idea, and we have to realize also that of course, they cannot, it is up to us to lead them in how we truly feel, and what they can do to TRULY help, and most of the time it is just to listen.... Again, my sympathy to you, Hugs, Alice

My son passed away in Oct 08 and the one that I hate is
"Well you have to focus on your other children that need you"

Of course I know that I have other children that "need" me. They have always needed me. So did my child that passed away. I was his mother too, and am I just supposed to forget about him because I have other children? NO!!!!

I can not live my life to impress other people. The comment I do not like is, don't be sad, how do you think your son would want you to act?"

Again, I can not live my life to meet someone else's standards. I did not want my son to ride a motorcycle. I did not want my son to die. So I am not supposed to grieve because my son would not approve. That's ridiculous.

The ones I get most are "he is in a better place now" and "he's not in pain any more" --- I just want to scream BUT HE'S NOT WITH ME ......
I had a phone call from a friend who lives some way away from me yesterday, she asked how my Christmas and New Year went and then said "so do you think you will cheer up a bit now ?" I was lost for words, but I wont fall out with her, she's still a good friend, she just hasn't experienced what we have here.