Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
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The dreaded firsts

1angie
1angie
Tomorrow my fiance will experience his first birthday without his mom. She passed away in January and for the last 10 months I have been living with a walking, breathing, barely-functioning empty shell of the man I fell in love with. I feel like I am watching someone suffer from a debilitating illness with only one cure which no one can provide. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt. Not only am I unable to help him, I can't even relate to him. I still have both my parents and I swear sometimes he resents me for it. He often tells me that I have no idea how messed up he is. Aside from his birthday, thanksgiving and christmas are nearing and I don't know how to handle it all. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner for his birthday and he said he's too sad and immediately I felt stupid for asking. I thought by now I'd know how to support him but I am just as clueless as day one. What helped you through your dreaded firsts?
foreverrain
foreverrain
When I lost my dad last April, I began going to grief counseling. One of the things the counselor told me was that it takes at least a full calendar year to get through all of the emotions. I remember everyone telling me that he's in a better place, and he's here in spirit, but that wasn't comforting to me. When Father's Day rolled around, I felt terrible, I watched father's day ads, and I thought of my friends spending time with their dads. I felt cheated, my dad was only 53, and I only got 21 years with him. But, I remembered something else the counselor told me. She said that it's ok to feel cheated, robbed, isolated, angry, depressed, etc. When we lose a loved one, especially a parent, it leaves a void that can never be filled. So let your fiance know that his feelings are valid, and give him time to get through the firsts.
1angie
1angie
Foreverrain: Thank you for sharing that. It makes a lot of sense. I'm doing my best to be extra aware of how the holiday season is affecting him. Oddly enough his sister asked him to take her Christmas tree shopping. They are so opposite in how they are handling things. If not for her, I don't think he would leave the house half the time.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will be a long tough road. But this is what commitment is all about. I'm really glad you went to counseling. It seems like your counselor is really insightful.