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Tomorrow my fiance will experience his first birthday without his mom. She passed away in January and for the last 10 months I have been living with a walking, breathing, barely-functioning empty shell of the man I fell in love with. I feel like I am watching someone suffer from a debilitating illness with only one cure which no one can provide. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt. Not only am I unable to help him, I can't even relate to him. I still have both my parents and I swear sometimes he resents me for it. He often tells me that I have no idea how messed up he is. Aside from his birthday, thanksgiving and christmas are nearing and I don't know how to handle it all. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner for his birthday and he said he's too sad and immediately I felt stupid for asking. I thought by now I'd know how to support him but I am just as clueless as day one. What helped you through your dreaded firsts?
The deal to coping with a loss is to confront your feelings and deal with them. We go through so many feelings, and, contrary to some therapy books, we can leave and return to the same feelings as things change.
It can be very complicated.
There is no timetable for dealing with our losses, but I do get the significance of his mother's birthday as well as the first holidays without his mother.
I don't mean to pry, but how old is he? That may have an impact on what people offer.
The one thing I will say about the grief process is that we need to move through it. If he has been this way for 10 months then it really sounds like he is stuck in the sadness phase. Has he made any effort to deal with this loss? Many churches and hospitals offer free bereavement classes that are open to all who have experienced a loss. Is he getting therapy.
As for my firsts, what has worked is to confront them head on, but not in a "until one of us gives up" way. Yes, my mother's birthday was a few months ago; the first one since she passed. Yes, my father's birthday was a few weeks ago, the first one since he passed. And yes, these will be my first holidays since dad passed away.
My family and friends have been huge for me. The let me vent, and help me focus on the good times I had with my parents and not to dwell on the fact that they are over.
One last thought, is your fiance getting any therapy for this? You can't force him to make progress. But you may need to tell him that he needs to start helping himself because at some point it will start to destroy you as well.
To answer your questions, my fianc's father is alive but he hasn't been involved in his life so he may as well be dead. He has a sister so he has someone he can relate to although I think he puts on a brave face for her because she is younger
He will be 38 tomorrow. His mom was young. Only 55. We didn't expect to lose her so soon. He has done some counseling and I think it helped in the moment but he still experiences periods of deep sadness.
In the grand scheme of things I suppose 20 months is not a lot of time to get over the initial shock and pain. I just wish I could take some his suffering away.
I think too many people try to be strong for others when they should really be more inclusive and be willing to be vulnerable and week with others. Unless his sister is very VERY fragile, he might find that he gets closer to his sister if he opens up and even cries with her. And he might kick start his processing of his grief if he realizes that his sister needs to be leaned on by him as much as she needs to lean on him.
Continuing hugs.
As far as the holidays, just tread lightly. The holidays are always fun times for many and are usually all about family. Just keep in mind his mom isn't here to buy him a gift or for him to shop for, maybe even downplay shopping or certain things you may do for your parents since you already sense some resentment. I don't know if what I"m saying makes sense, but you don't want to be like "Look honey, I just got a great deal on this for my Mom"
I hope things you all usually do for the holidays aren't to overwhelming for him. Sometime holidays are just so stressful and huge and a big deal, especially if you do a lot and are always cooking and shopping and running here and there. If it were me, I'd want people to remember the holidays aren't that Holly Jolly this year and trying to push for a grand old time as a distraction would be worse.
A month is hardly enough time to even process things.i guess it makes sense to want to have a low key holiday season to reflect and give yourself space to grieve. I will take your advice and keep things low key as well.
Praying for your strength
PepperMan you are so right about people being afraid to be vulnerable. . his sister is not fragile at all. In a way I think he is trying to match or outdo her stoicism. Its really bizarre. Was your sister sick? His mom was for a while before her passing. Still we didn't realize how bad things were because she was always telling us she was fine
I have talked to some cousins as I have cousins who lost their siblings as well. They lost them years ago and I can tell it has taken its toll on them over the years, and changed them. One started drinking and the other just seemed to do odd things, and pretty much dumped her daughter on her mother. So looking at them it's a scary to think that will be me, never recovered and just putting one foot in front of the other through the rest of your life. The loneliness is threatening to drive me insane.
Everything I did revolved around her. Anytime I heard about something or saw something I would text her. I miss making weekend plans. We already were making holiday plans for Black Friday and seeing Star Wars together in December. Now I can't even get excited for the movie as she won't be here to enjoy it with me. Just everything now reminds me I have no one do it with and no one to enjoy it with and she is not here to enjoy it herself. It was not her time and I miss her more than I can even say.
Cinben--I am right there with you on the holiday stuff. I LOVED the holidays, I loved shopping and the decorations and the hub bub of the season. It makes me want to throw up now because it's a reminder the world is still going while my world has been completely destroyed. Now I see the holidays as pointless and it's heartbreaking I will have man more years of this nonsense. I especially hate when I see stuff about getting the right gift and free shipping and sales and all that, as I would have been all over that kind of stuff. Now one of the main persons I shopped for is not here and we bought a lot of gifts for each other as no one knew our exact tastes and favorite things like we did for each other, so it feels so worthless now. Just bleak.
Wow, your sister sounds awesome. It is truly a blessing to have had such an extraordinary relationship with a sibling. Of course your heart is broken, that type of bond is worthy of tremendous grief. It sounds like she was a young woman. That can be especially tough.
Speaking as the eldest sister among my siblings, I would never want my sisters to self-destruct over losing me. They way your cousins acted out in time of loss is indicative of how impossible it seems to deal with it. Most just want to escape it and escape can take many terrible forms. I pray you don't take that dark path. Know that you will never stop missing her but over time, you will learn to cope. It may seem impossible now since it just happened and so close to the holidays but have faith that one day memories of your sister will make you smile rather than cry. For right now, whatever emotion comes up is natural and okay so allow yourself to feel them. This is your time.
You are not alone. Your sister will never be replaced but you have people here who understand and who are always ready to listen.
I blame myself because she was not looking good and I should have called 911 right then. I believe she could have been saved, that all she needed was some time in the hospital to get built back up but we didn't even give her a chance at recovery. That haunts me every minute. We didn't even give her a chance! The fact she didn't even get a chance in the hospital makes me want to kill myself. It drives me insane.
Now she is dead and I am left with a hole in my soul forever. I know this is basically spilled milk I'm crying over, but I don't know how to just forgive and move on when someone has lost their life because of me, it's just impossible, especially someone I loved so dearly and depended on so much for my own life to keep going. I know she would have saved me and I didn't do the same for her. I just let her lay there and I didn't do enough to save her. That is all I think about.
There are so many "what if"s in life, and we will never really know the answers to them. I think that for every "what if" that has negative meaning for us, we have been involved in at least one "what if" that had a positive meaning for somebody else. Many times we never know about the good that came from something we did.
What I mean is something like "what if I had never made the bus wait for that person who was running to catch up" or even a more daily "what if I had never held the elevator for that person". It could have been that something wonderful happened to that person based on what we did.
Your fear here is a powerful one. Please, by all means if you are not already, get some therapy for this. You can overcome this.
Im still hoping he and his sister will spend thanksgiving with my family. I will keep you all posted.
Im very thankful for all of you. (((Hugs)))