It's been awhile since I've been on. 2 years to be exact!

It's going on 3.5 years since my mother passed away, whom I never really knew to begin with. We were estranged. My family never reached out to notify me that she was even ill. I'm now in contact with my aunt and we keep in touch, but she still hasn't really said anything. I thought I was doing okay. Then a friend's daughter passed away unexpectedly last year, which brought everything back. 

My mother never knew about her grandchildren. However, now they are growing up, I'm finding that I wish she was here. Not that she was actually a part of my life when she was alive. The last time we had spoken was in 2012, when I told her to not contact me anymore. We didn't have the best relationship; she was very abusive and neglectful growing up. I'm back and forth between wishing she was here, to being angry at her for not actually being a mother. The one person that someone should always be able to count on is their mother. 

Now my kids are 5, 4 and 16 months. My oldest starts kindergarten in the fall and my middle baby will be going to preschool. The first time that all 3 will be in a different location. My dad has always been there, but there are some things I just don't tell him because of how he'll react or what he'll say. I surely can't tell him that I know how my friend's daughter was feeling because I was in a dark place like that myself before. He'll figure out some way to make himself out as the one who needs help. Anyway, between the kids, the house (we're still trying to get organized, which we put on hold when I became pregnant with our youngest), work and trying to finish my correspondence course (that I started eons ago), I feel like I'm going crazy and finding myself needing my mom, who was never really there to begin with.