Hey guys. Sorry its alot.

I'm 17, and my life is feeling really weird. I was only a child, and my parents are divorced. They split it so I was with each of them for one week. Then swap. I lived half my life with a alcoholic mom, and my stepdad would was working very late hours. She was usually sleeping/passed out, and my step dad was working. But I was too young to understand. It wasn't until we talked about alcoholics in health class that the similarities started to add up. I realised every vacation and day with her that she was sleeping, she was just drinking. Soon after else everyone noticed and realised. She started doing programs. But that changed nothing. She almost died multiple times, and was still drinking. She drove me to dinner in back, while she was drunk, and I once had to navigate a whole airport home as a 12 year old, while I watched her walk into walls. Soon at another program, she met a old friend, was was having alcohol and abuse problems. She kicked my stepdad out, who I love and don't remember a time without him. I lived with her and her new boyfriend/old friend Tommy for over a year, and stupid young me never told anyone. I was scared of loosing them. I watched him hit her, and kick me out of my own house. He soon went to jail for hitting her so many times, but for some reason when he got out, she let him back in. She was always too forgiving. I was too young to understand the consequences. Soon my Dad made me stay at his house with my step family every week instead of every other. But he only knew about the alcohol problems. Soon my step dad finally came back, and kicked Tommy out of the house. She followed.

One day my dad called me and told me mom had a accident. But it was worse than usually. She had been hit on the back off the head, found in a pool of blood outside the condo we lived in. They thought she may have fell down the stairs drunk. But she had been sober for the last couple of weeks and there was no blood in her system. Then they found her phone. She had a message saying how Tommy was going to pick her up that night. All evidence pointed to him murdering my mom in a drunken rampage. Even her car was all smashed up. I watched her dieing in the hospital for a week. She passed away Late 2014

Since then my life has been really weird. I only live in one house now, instead of moving around. I only get to see my stepdad, who is like a second father to me, once a week if i'm lucky. My dad doesn't understand that he went through what I went through, so I couldn't go to meetings with him when he offered. My Dad wanted to go with me. But I said no. They all say they “Understand”. But they really don't. My dog is also at my step dad's, and he was all I had during the problems when I was younger.

When Tom took my mom from me, he also took my House, which my step dad could no longer afford alone, my step dad and dog, who I see very little, and a part of me I feel.

Now he is getting out of jail due to lack of really evidence, and he will most likely hurt someone else.

My Problem: I used to be like my mom, forgiving. But this passed year I am just angry. I want him in jail for life. But that won't happen. Now I have anxiety attacks, 3 so far, When they happen I can't breath, my heart raced, and I feel like I relive it all. I feel disconnected or emotionally numb. My very close grandmother passed away a month ago. I didn't even cry. I don't understand why. It's like something snapped since my mom died. I don't seem to care for things anymore too. People tell me tons of things that happen, and I should feel bad or worry, but I don't. And some days, It's like flashbacks and memory pop up every minute. Do I have PTSD? I don't know. And people tell me to move on. But I can’t. And I feel like I will never. I know there is no category for people who are related to victims of murder, but I hope I can relate to someone, at least in the smallest sense.