Bereavement Support Group
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4 months ago today, My fiance's mother died suddenly and nothing has been the same since nor will it ever be again. Before her passing, we were happier than we'd ever been. Newly engaged, moving in together, new car, wedding planning and excited about our future.
Then she died and part of him died right along with her. In the days following he showed the emotions one would expect; crying, isolation, deep sadness. I was always there to rub his back and tell him I loved him and that I'm here no matter what. He thanked me and told me he loved me too. I thought we could make it through anything. I was so damn naive.
As the weeks turned to months I watched him transform into a person I don't recognize. He doesn't speak to me, he doesn't show affection. There has been no intimacy since his mom passed. And I'm talking beyond sex. He doesn't touch me at all and if I touch him, he tenses up and if I try to kiss his lips he turns so the kiss lands on his cheek.
One day I heard him talking on the phone and he actually sounded like himself. He was laughing and making jokes and it caught me by surprise. I thought, 'maybe he's getting better'. But when he gets off the phone he's back to the silence and distance.
On Monday, I did something I should never have done; I looked through his phone. I saw text messages between him and 2 different women who i never met or heard of. none of the messages were solid proof of infidelity but they were flirtatious. One of the women he also calls on a regular basis. He confides in her. Seeing this made me so angry I was shaking. I'm his fiance and he won't speak 2 words to me but he is communicating regularly with other women?! What else is he doing with them? I saw red and I confronted him. Without telling him about snooping through his phone I asked him if he was cheating on me. he said no and that he was disgusted for even having the conversation. I asked him if he was confiding in other women. He said he's been confiding in both men and women who have also lost a parent. he says he can't relate to me right now because I still have both my parents and a great social life. He was also angry with me for putting this on him the day after his first mother's day without his mom.
Needless to say I feel like an asshole and I made the situation between us 10 times worse but i am human and i'm jealous and if he isn't talking to me I damn sure don't want him talking to other women. plus 4 months without sex will drive anyone a little nuts.
This morning I woke up find him sobbing on the floor next to his mother's ashes and clutching her pillow. He had her favorite song playing. It was the saddest thing I ever saw in my life. I sat next to him and held him and he didn't push me away. I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. A few hours later he went to bed and I left for work.
I don't know what the future holds nor do i have a clue what to do from here. I know he resents me and I'm afraid he will continue to grow apart from me and that I will lose him. i fear that the interactions with these other women will one day cross boundaries. I fear I am losing my best friend. I feel so lost. Not to mention selfish because here i am whining about my feelings and he's suffering a million times more than I am.
Sorry for the long ramble. I just needed a place to vent and I can't afford therapy. Thanks for listening.
Angie
Then she died and part of him died right along with her. In the days following he showed the emotions one would expect; crying, isolation, deep sadness. I was always there to rub his back and tell him I loved him and that I'm here no matter what. He thanked me and told me he loved me too. I thought we could make it through anything. I was so damn naive.
As the weeks turned to months I watched him transform into a person I don't recognize. He doesn't speak to me, he doesn't show affection. There has been no intimacy since his mom passed. And I'm talking beyond sex. He doesn't touch me at all and if I touch him, he tenses up and if I try to kiss his lips he turns so the kiss lands on his cheek.
One day I heard him talking on the phone and he actually sounded like himself. He was laughing and making jokes and it caught me by surprise. I thought, 'maybe he's getting better'. But when he gets off the phone he's back to the silence and distance.
On Monday, I did something I should never have done; I looked through his phone. I saw text messages between him and 2 different women who i never met or heard of. none of the messages were solid proof of infidelity but they were flirtatious. One of the women he also calls on a regular basis. He confides in her. Seeing this made me so angry I was shaking. I'm his fiance and he won't speak 2 words to me but he is communicating regularly with other women?! What else is he doing with them? I saw red and I confronted him. Without telling him about snooping through his phone I asked him if he was cheating on me. he said no and that he was disgusted for even having the conversation. I asked him if he was confiding in other women. He said he's been confiding in both men and women who have also lost a parent. he says he can't relate to me right now because I still have both my parents and a great social life. He was also angry with me for putting this on him the day after his first mother's day without his mom.
Needless to say I feel like an asshole and I made the situation between us 10 times worse but i am human and i'm jealous and if he isn't talking to me I damn sure don't want him talking to other women. plus 4 months without sex will drive anyone a little nuts.
This morning I woke up find him sobbing on the floor next to his mother's ashes and clutching her pillow. He had her favorite song playing. It was the saddest thing I ever saw in my life. I sat next to him and held him and he didn't push me away. I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. A few hours later he went to bed and I left for work.
I don't know what the future holds nor do i have a clue what to do from here. I know he resents me and I'm afraid he will continue to grow apart from me and that I will lose him. i fear that the interactions with these other women will one day cross boundaries. I fear I am losing my best friend. I feel so lost. Not to mention selfish because here i am whining about my feelings and he's suffering a million times more than I am.
Sorry for the long ramble. I just needed a place to vent and I can't afford therapy. Thanks for listening.
Angie
Ardara, I'm really happy that you are considering a wedding. I know things are still fresh especially with impending legal proceedings but your guy seems like the type you want to keep in your corner and the type your father would approve of. You will know what's right for you when its right for you. But just being able to picture it is a positive sign.
Im rooting for you. XOXO