Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
4 months ago today, My fiance's mother died suddenly and nothing has been the same since nor will it ever be again. Before her passing, we were happier than we'd ever been. Newly engaged, moving in together, new car, wedding planning and excited about our future.
Then she died and part of him died right along with her. In the days following he showed the emotions one would expect; crying, isolation, deep sadness. I was always there to rub his back and tell him I loved him and that I'm here no matter what. He thanked me and told me he loved me too. I thought we could make it through anything. I was so damn naive.
As the weeks turned to months I watched him transform into a person I don't recognize. He doesn't speak to me, he doesn't show affection. There has been no intimacy since his mom passed. And I'm talking beyond sex. He doesn't touch me at all and if I touch him, he tenses up and if I try to kiss his lips he turns so the kiss lands on his cheek.
One day I heard him talking on the phone and he actually sounded like himself. He was laughing and making jokes and it caught me by surprise. I thought, 'maybe he's getting better'. But when he gets off the phone he's back to the silence and distance.
On Monday, I did something I should never have done; I looked through his phone. I saw text messages between him and 2 different women who i never met or heard of. none of the messages were solid proof of infidelity but they were flirtatious. One of the women he also calls on a regular basis. He confides in her. Seeing this made me so angry I was shaking. I'm his fiance and he won't speak 2 words to me but he is communicating regularly with other women?! What else is he doing with them? I saw red and I confronted him. Without telling him about snooping through his phone I asked him if he was cheating on me. he said no and that he was disgusted for even having the conversation. I asked him if he was confiding in other women. He said he's been confiding in both men and women who have also lost a parent. he says he can't relate to me right now because I still have both my parents and a great social life. He was also angry with me for putting this on him the day after his first mother's day without his mom.
Needless to say I feel like an asshole and I made the situation between us 10 times worse but i am human and i'm jealous and if he isn't talking to me I damn sure don't want him talking to other women. plus 4 months without sex will drive anyone a little nuts.
This morning I woke up find him sobbing on the floor next to his mother's ashes and clutching her pillow. He had her favorite song playing. It was the saddest thing I ever saw in my life. I sat next to him and held him and he didn't push me away. I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. A few hours later he went to bed and I left for work.
I don't know what the future holds nor do i have a clue what to do from here. I know he resents me and I'm afraid he will continue to grow apart from me and that I will lose him. i fear that the interactions with these other women will one day cross boundaries. I fear I am losing my best friend. I feel so lost. Not to mention selfish because here i am whining about my feelings and he's suffering a million times more than I am.
Sorry for the long ramble. I just needed a place to vent and I can't afford therapy. Thanks for listening.
Angie
Then she died and part of him died right along with her. In the days following he showed the emotions one would expect; crying, isolation, deep sadness. I was always there to rub his back and tell him I loved him and that I'm here no matter what. He thanked me and told me he loved me too. I thought we could make it through anything. I was so damn naive.
As the weeks turned to months I watched him transform into a person I don't recognize. He doesn't speak to me, he doesn't show affection. There has been no intimacy since his mom passed. And I'm talking beyond sex. He doesn't touch me at all and if I touch him, he tenses up and if I try to kiss his lips he turns so the kiss lands on his cheek.
One day I heard him talking on the phone and he actually sounded like himself. He was laughing and making jokes and it caught me by surprise. I thought, 'maybe he's getting better'. But when he gets off the phone he's back to the silence and distance.
On Monday, I did something I should never have done; I looked through his phone. I saw text messages between him and 2 different women who i never met or heard of. none of the messages were solid proof of infidelity but they were flirtatious. One of the women he also calls on a regular basis. He confides in her. Seeing this made me so angry I was shaking. I'm his fiance and he won't speak 2 words to me but he is communicating regularly with other women?! What else is he doing with them? I saw red and I confronted him. Without telling him about snooping through his phone I asked him if he was cheating on me. he said no and that he was disgusted for even having the conversation. I asked him if he was confiding in other women. He said he's been confiding in both men and women who have also lost a parent. he says he can't relate to me right now because I still have both my parents and a great social life. He was also angry with me for putting this on him the day after his first mother's day without his mom.
Needless to say I feel like an asshole and I made the situation between us 10 times worse but i am human and i'm jealous and if he isn't talking to me I damn sure don't want him talking to other women. plus 4 months without sex will drive anyone a little nuts.
This morning I woke up find him sobbing on the floor next to his mother's ashes and clutching her pillow. He had her favorite song playing. It was the saddest thing I ever saw in my life. I sat next to him and held him and he didn't push me away. I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. A few hours later he went to bed and I left for work.
I don't know what the future holds nor do i have a clue what to do from here. I know he resents me and I'm afraid he will continue to grow apart from me and that I will lose him. i fear that the interactions with these other women will one day cross boundaries. I fear I am losing my best friend. I feel so lost. Not to mention selfish because here i am whining about my feelings and he's suffering a million times more than I am.
Sorry for the long ramble. I just needed a place to vent and I can't afford therapy. Thanks for listening.
Angie
travelgal8605
Im in love with cities Ive never been to and people Ive never met.
It took me about 3 years to come out of this funk, and I was NOT romantic relationship material during that time--my mood alternated between deep sadness and sudden outbursts of ANGER. I was angry at myself for not doing more earlier when I could see that my brother, who passed, was suffering. I was angry at God. I was angry because I didn't know how to fill the black hole in my heart. The anger still rears its ugly head at times.
But then...I began to form new friendships and rekindle relationships that were salvageable (I pissed off quite a few people as they pissed me off), things slowly began to turn around, and I began to find joy and humor in life again.
I'd postpone the wedding (marriage has its own set of demands and expectations, including physical intimacy), and just take things slow...one day at a time. At the same time, you have needs that need to be met too.
I guess the softest way to approach this as "No matter what happens between us romantically, I'd like to ALWAYS be your best friend."
You sound so much like him when you talk about the anger you felt. He has said so many times that he hates himself for not being there for her more and that he's angry at himself for not keeping her healthier. He hates himself because she called him on Sunday to ask him to come take her shopping for a new winter coat. He told her he'd come on Friday. She died on Tuesday. He has himself convinced that if he had gone to see her on Sunday he could have saved her.
I am angry at myself for confronting him in a state of anger instead of allowing myself to calm down and think straight. I acted on pure emotion, that emotion being jealousy mixed with sudden rage.
The wedding is definitely not a priority for me right now. I get to come home to him every night and awake next to him every morning. I appreciate that for now. I decided that I need to make him my priority and put my issues on hold. He needs me.
I will take your advice and take things slowly. Day by day. I am so sorry that it took you 3 years to come out of your depressed state. I actually wouldn't be surprised if it took my fiance just as long. He is so very sad and angry right now and I think it will get worse before it gets better especially since her birthday is this month and he will experience a whole year's worth of first [insert holiday here] without his mom.
Thanks again.
This is going to sound strange, but when I started having DREAMS with my deceased brother in them, I began to literally reconcile all my feelings of guilt. The dreams were so real, so vivid, and most importantly, so filled with LOVE AND PEACE, that I had no doubt I was "visiting" my brother in the other side! There, all is forgiven, all is wonderful, and it makes me not fear death at all anymore!
In time, I'm sure your fiance will have a "communion" with his mother in a dream! The important thing is for him to RELAX and EMBRACE HER in his mind, heart and soul when it happens. He needs to not freak out and wake up like I did the first time!
Every night, when we fall asleep, they're ready and waiting, if they're not busy helping God tend to other souls who need to cross over into the great beyond, to embrace us, talk to us in their unique harmonic vibration, and put us completely at ease! All we need do is get within the pain and anger...and embrace our deeper soul, the soul of God.
Hope this helps!
I asked him about counseling or support groups but he wants no part of that. He has had a few conversations with a minister that he said was helpful. I guess he has to operate on his own terms.
You're not losing your partner. He is going through a rough patch right now. I have lost my father 7 months ago, and I still havent taken his death in yet. 4 months ago his mother passed away. That is still so very fresh. Her body is still practically warm in the grave and losing a mother, especially when you're close to her is so very devastating.
As our parents makes us...us. They shape us. They're everything we're and our whole lives revolved around our parents and for one them to die, especially so suddenly is life wrecking.
To your partner, he has lost his best friend, his carrer, his agony aunt, his support...everything and kudos to you for supporting him as well as you have. I know in situations like yours is very strange and you have no idea what to do and I can completly understand on how you're feeling right now. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I was also going to get married, but I am now no longer wanting to. As I have no father to give me away anymore. I will never have the father and daughter dance. My dad even dedicated the song "Dance with me daughter of mine" for my wedding day. Right now, I am just not ready to get married and see an empty spot in the crowd, the spot where my dad should be sitting smiling proudly at me.
Have you considered your partner may feel the same way? As far as I know, the groom dances with his mother and it's his mother that helps him get all done up for the wedding. Fussing over her son with his tie or what ever.
I fear at my wedding, I will be all alone while my partners family surrounds him while I have no body. It is scary and very sad when you think about it.
His reaction to becoming angry and sad is normal. Think of it this way. Right now, your partner is feeling like a wet sponge. He needs to squeeze it out in order to feel a little bit lighter. That is his brain trying to cope with the truama.
I was also very similar to him. Didn't like being touched, or fussed over. I just wanted to be alone and grieve in peace, but I promise you...things will get better.
What helped me was when my partner came and spoke to me about my dad. Telling me how much of a good man he was and that, he misses him too and what not. Then, I saw tears well up in his eyes. I don't know why, but that somehow helped me. I didn't feel so much alone anymore and we both hugged each other tightly. I am not saying for you to start crying, but maybe show a bit of emotion towards him so that he doesnt feel alone maybe??
As for the sex. Give him some time. I get that you have needs, you're human after all but maybe when he is in a better mood. Coax him into making love. It is proved to relieve stress anyway, but do it gently and at the right time. That's what my partner did to me and it did actually help me.
Talk it out with him. Talk and talk and talk about him and his mum until your face goes blue. Help him let it out.
A grieving person cant actually think for themselves. I know he may not want to go councelling or whatever, but you got to kind of force him to do it. Tell him straight, he has got to LIVE for the LIVING. Go to grieving support groups, therapy together or what ever. Talk it out with a doctor, medications he could take to help him along the way.
As for the phone thing. What is wrong with you looking through his phone?? You're his fiance and you have every right to look through your partners phone. There is no such thing as secrets or privacy when it comes to serious relationships and not just that, you're concerned about him.
I cant totally understand how you must have felt seeing those text messages and to be honest with you....he should not be talking to those women. That's what you're there for, not them and let him know that we ALL lose our parents one day, so you could well imagine what he is going through.
When it comes to him acting happy around other women, but sour around you is not good. He is a grown man and you're his soon to be wife. Just because he is grieving for his mother does not mean he can think he can do all of these things. Put your foot down and be there for him.
My mother was in a terrible state when my dad passed away and I turned and said to her, "I just noticed something." And her reply was, "Noticed what?"
"We're not grieving for dad. We're grieving for ourselves." My mothers eyes widened and for some odd reason, my statement helped her function.
Crazy huh??
For a while now your partner will be thinking morbid thoughts. The thought of death will surround him, so talk it out with him.
Place photos of his mother around the house. On the walls or fire place. Show him you're trying and that you thought fondly of her too.
Another suggestion is to write him a letter on how you're feeling and no you're not selfish, but you're just as lost as he is and he must understand that.
You sound lovely and very supportive, so please dont beat yourself up about this. You're doing a great job.
If you ever need to talk, ask questions/advice you know where I am :)
I took your advice and wrote him a letter. I didn't give it to him, though. Instead I had a long talk with him telling him how I felt about everything and apologizing for losing focus and vowing to be better about supporting him.
I'm not sure how it will play out but I told him we need to put our relationship aside right now and focus on him and his needs. Listening to him be totally honest about his feelings made me realize that he has very specific expectations of me and I need to step up and execute. I realize my issues pale in comparison to his and as his fiance, I have to make sacrifices right now. I actually feel like I have more perspective. You definitely had a major part in that. I thank you.
We also had a long talk about the women texting him (he now knows I looked through his phone) the explanation he gave made sense to me. I know when he's full of it and with this I feel he is sincere. I don't believe he is cheating on me and I understand that the shared experience of loss is what connects him to them. I told him i would be supportive as long as he was transparent and open with me. We'll see how that goes
I know i am on the outside looking in, but if I may be so presumptuous, i don't think your dad would want you to cancel your wedding. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner who loves you and appreciated your dad. Even if you don't do such a big ceremony, I think you should consider going forward with marriage if you haven't already.
Of course this should happen when you're ready. Planning such a major milestone without your #1 guy is so much on your shoulders. I just feel in my heart that your dad would want you to be happy and would send his blessings from heaven.
I am so happy to hear things are working better for you both. It is better to have it all out on the table and get some issues out of the way in order for us to move on and make things better.
Remember, do not beat yourself up thinking that you're not doing enough, saying the right things and so forth and living up to his expectations. None of this comes with instructions, but to just show that you're THERE is all he pretty much needs.
I am happy to hear there was no funny buisness between him and those women and yes, I can understand he may want to reach out to other people that are going though what he is going through but as long he hasn't crossed the line then that is good.
It may do him some good going to a bereavement group or therapy. That way, he can meet some people in person that is on the same boat as him and you too, can meet people are in the same position as you!
Thank you for your lovely words. I too, don't think my dad would want me to cancel it neither but right now, it is far too painful and soon. I have been looking at different types of weddings, I have been considering a very, very small one with no big party but I shall see how that plays out in the future. I may well change my mind lol
Again, thank you for saying that and especially in your perspective. It has made me start thinking about it again.
If you ever need to talk at ANYTIME, just send me an email and I'll try and get back to you as soon as.
xxxxxx