Hi joined this group the other night.I wanted to take time to think on what I wanted to put in my message before putting it on here.I loss my first loved one at the age of 9.This was my dad.I was so young and innocent I did not understand what death meant.With not understanding the reason or why my dad was gone I made up my own imaginary story that he was gone and would come back some day.For allmost 2 years I looked out my bedroom window waiting for him to come home.Once my mom met her boyfriend I think it began to become more real that my dad was dead and death meant forever and no coming back.I loved my dad and to me he was the best greatest dad that there ever could be.My life changed drastically as I got older and at times I became so angry and due to abuse from other family I started believing maybe I want this death to come to me as well.And so when I was 12 or 13 I told my mom I wanted to be dead with my dad or if it would make her stop crying I would take my Dad's place.I never knew why I felt like this always felt weird and was constantly told I was odd.At 15 my aunt died and was buried in the same cemetary as my dad.I dont even remember walking over to my dads grave site.But I guess I did.I remember beating on the ground and screaming and crying.Begging my dad to come back.My relatives stood and watched then one of my cousins helped me up and hugged me.I basically became more withdrawn.I seemed to try and reach out to people and then was shut down or they left me.My nephew was adopted out when he was a teenager.I found him and tried to rebuild a relationship with him.I got to know him allmost a year when I woke up to my sister n law at my door.My beautiful nephew had taken his life.I was devastated and in such shock and confusion.I tried to receive comfort from others and was pushed away as the comforted eachother.Never once was counseling suggested then eight years ago I loss my youngest brother he also ended his own life.He was married and his wife had an affair which he found out.He also has two sons.My brothers wife had told him she was done with him and the same day he left his home and ended his life after he had been missing for over 24 hours she called the police.She has changed her story so many times.She has told me my brother intended on killing her and his sons.It was bad enough she told me this after my brothers death but she also has told his sons this.Ive tried to move on and forgive her I cant.I no longer speak to her and she has convinced her sons to walk away from me also.Losing my brother was horrific for me we were barely an age apart.His sons turing their backs on me hurts so much.I took care of them and had been part of their lives sense they were born.I know this was long if anyone takes time to read this thank you.