Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

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Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

Life after a loss

QPXZ
QPXZ
Even before my fiance Stephen passed over 3 years ago, people told me I should make friends but honestly I only wanted him and had few friends and even when I did go out with friends I just couldn't wait to be with him again. Then I thought people were being nice and were reaching out to me in my darkest hour and I was vulnerable nd kind of went with the flow of whatever anyone wanted. Now I feel used. I feel like I m in the lonely hearts club where people, mostly women, call and blab in my ear for hours. They start out asking how I feel and then it is all about them. I went out with one girl for the day and she talked so much that after dinner she was hoarse. Not that I want to be the center of attention. Then these women I work with say I am their best friend ask for favors and want rides because I am not afraid to drive anywhere. They want me over their house all the time to watch movies, drink and eat. They even asked me to fix their toilet once. Sometimes they will say they feel sorry for my loss but then it is all about them. Stephen and I would only watch TV after we did something together or once in a while. They knew I spent all my time with him so now they think I have all the time in the world for them. It is almost as if Stephen had to die for them to come alive. I actually had hope for a while there because everyone said it would get better but life without him is worse than I thought. I won't have any more men in my life. That is over not that I want anyone but him but I feel even worse with more people in my life. Even my old friends and family think I should enjoy holidays and my old hobbies like gardening or art or even reading. It is like I am not supposed to make them feel bad and I don't want to but it is not my job to keep them happy when I am dying inside. Does anyone else feel that their loss will never end?

QP
MamasChild1
MamasChild1
Your friends and family are well-intended, and trying to help you get over your loss. Everyone does that - they mean well, particularly, when it seems you may be mourning too long. What people don't get is that grief is different for everyone - mourning has an official time period (one month). Not grief. But somewhere, some time - despite your feelings, grief takes a back seat to life - just not on your friends' timetable.

I lost my mother - She was nearly 100, so I'm supposed to be glad that she lived a long life. (If you only knew how often I've heard that.) But that doesn't close the door on grief. She was all I had. She was my responsibility. My mother. My confidant. My teacher. My buffer. My friend. A lifetime of ceaseless love and dedication to me; then suddenly - both my parents died six months apart - in different places...And now, five years later, I have grief AND depression - and questions over treatments at the end.
Mama would advise me - console, correct or whatever. I don't have that now - and I'm adrift emotionally. My grief has become more tangible - my depression more obvious with time.

Give your firends a chance - they mean well - You not only NEED them, but you may WANT their help when the time is right. But just find a way to either humor their good intentions now - or at least beg them to delay their efforts. Just remind them - you don't want them to go away...Believe me - you WILL need them, in time.
koolman
koolman
I know exactly how you feel, QP! As soon as my brother died, I thought it would be best to become involved with a couple of friends who were experiencing their own "relationship drama". Big mistake. Their problems took my mind off my own grief, but their relationship was so mean and nasty that it did nothing to soothe my already frazzled nerves.

Spend some time alone, and with nature. In nature, nurture. Just experience some quiet, soft beauty in a park somewhere. Then, learn to politely say "no" or "I have to go now" when people are invading your boundaries and asking undue (free) favors of you.

They mean well, and are just trying to keep you busy and your mind occupied, but they need to know when to leave you alone for awhile. Only you can set those boundaries.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh how I feel for you, I lost m husband who was my best friend and soul mate 7 months ago and I honestly stopped living that day, I go through the motions but that's as far as it goes and i'm struggling to even do that now. I dont know how I am going to get through this time of the year all the firsts coming up.
I am originally from Scotland so I am thousands of miles away from famly and friends, I feel so lonely and alone and I can't see anyway out of this black hole.
It amazes me how people seem to think you should be fine now, it's been 7 motnhs what's your problem??? If only they could understand.
koolman
koolman
Mrs. B, they only know "what's your problem???", that hollowed-out feeling, when it happens to THEM. Ahh, the selfishness that is (or CAN be) the human race.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I sit here wondering if I am going to make it through I can't handle this pain anymore. I dont want to move back to Scotland but I feel so alone here. I am hoping ot get some friends and support now that I have joined this group. I have a memorial service at the Mortuary tonight, I dont know if ti's a good thing or not but I am going
QPXZ
QPXZ
Thank You for all the replies. It made me feel better that you responded but not that you are all in pain. I do need think I need some alone time which is hard with everyone wanting something from me especially this time of year. That is good advice and something I was thinking about. I feel for you MrsBeamer as it is only 7 months since your loss. My loss still seems so fresh. I wish I could advise you what is best but I don't have any answers. Unfortunately I guess all of us are alone in our grief simply because we all lost that person that helped us feel complete and less alone. I just feel used because I am doing favors for people and feel like they really do not care. As if my grief has opened up a new world to them. I will be thinking of you at the memorial sevice tonight MrsB. I can tell you that I have questioned every move whether it was a good thing or not and there really isn't an answer. But I still question everything. I lost the one person who helped me decide. Thanks again everyone. The pressure in the front of my head feels better since I read your responses.

QP
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