Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

3,877 Members
13,418 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

I want to be alone

QPXZ
QPXZ
My fiancee Stephen died almost 2 years ago now. I miss him terribly. I am on antidepressants and have gone to a support group and everyone would say that I needed to make friends. I would go places alone and my neighbor made me promise to ask someone to go with me it wasn't safe. So I asked 2 girls at work who are sisters and now they will not leave me alone. At first I put up with the 2 hour phone calls twice a week because I thought they were being nice. The invites to their place. But now I realize they never had friends and they are smothering me, expecting me there every holiday, for dinner, to watch TV together, go out. I drive them also. I am even more depressed and everyone thinks it is great I made new friends. I had old friends who are still there for me but give me space. Even if I make an excuse for one day, they ask about other days. I know many of you said you felt alone. I can understand that but I want to be alone. This is making me miss Stephen more and how my life without him is really lousy. Don't feel so bad about being alone, you could be like me.

QP
BRIDGET1970
BRIDGET1970
Is there anyway that you can tell your new friends that there are times when you just need some space for yourself? What about talking to a counselor not just about your grief for Stephen but also on how to handle these friends who seem to be compounded your grief for Stephen. I can understand that this is a tough spot to be in because it seems like these friends mean well and that they really enjoy your company.
deleted_user
deleted_user
For me the other issue would be that I work with these women and I do not want to hurt their feelings. It is almost like a relationship...sometimes you should just not dip your pen in the company ink, whether it be friends or more than friends. Now if you rub them the wrong way, the professional relationship could be hurt. Hopefully you can talk to them and explain it professionally.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This happened to me last month. I met a woman (43) who suffered a serious car accident and has brain damage and seizures. She wanted to be "friends" and I thought, well why not (since my "friends" dumped me after the death of my daughter). Then I discovered she drank, a lot, starting with wine coolers in the morning; and I discovered she was intolerant of my grief, lectured me about how my daughter was "unhappy in heaven" if I was crying. Then she started to call me, a lot. I finally told her that grief is necessary and normal, that she lost her parents 11 and 8 years ago and you can't compare the loss of a parent to the loss of a 23 year old child and she needed to butt out. Then one Sunday I ignored her calls (they came up on the screen, cable company phone) and at about 11:00PM that night I had COPS ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. If I had been asleep (which I usually am at that hour) they would have BROKEN MY DOOR DOWN. This freak called 911 and told them I was committing suicide!!! The trauma of all those cops set me right back in the grief process and started what is now PTSD, memories of cops, ambulances, psych wards with my daughter. The State Trooper was furious with this woman when he saw I was ok, he actually gave me his card with his cell phone #. THEN the woman called me the next week and I let her have it and told her if she called me again I would get a restraining order.

When anyone comes on so strong that they want you to be an immediate "best friend", beware. This is not normal behavior. Put a barrier up and put down some "rules". Tell them (kindly) that you need your space and that YOU will call THEM. You don't have to explain why, this is your right to set parameters in any relationship. It's not healthy for anyone to embrace you (or anyone else) so immediately, it's an indication of a problem. Force the issue and if it doesn't work back off from them.
barbarame
barbarame
Be very frank when telling these girls to take things slowly. DO NOT make excuses, tell it like it is. Just say that you need more alone time and you do not want to crowd out your other friends. Take control of the situation and that would be on a "Don't call me, I will call you" basis. I expect they mean well, but alas they are not doing well. All the best going forward. BARB
QPXZ
QPXZ
Thanks for your responses, It almost seems that they think that all the time I spent with Stephen should now be spent with them. It is hard because I work them. They ask a lot of favors and it is like they hadn o life till Stephen died. That sounds like a nightmare, Elzeena that you went through. It is bad enough to suffer grief and then have something like that happen. Ambulances and police at your door after all you have been through. I know if it were meit would make me worse. Everyone says that they are lonely but my one friend said they have each other so they should nit have o bother me all the time. I really would rather be alone than talk on the phone for hours and be expected for dinner weekly and drive them everywhere. My support group ended but I may see about individual counseling. It is true that like an office romance it is not a good idea to be too friendly with people you work with. I was a loner when I was with Stephen and I don't know why they tell grieving people to make friends when they didn't have a lot before. I guess I will have to tell them I need space. Trouble is I want a lot of space. I still can't believe Stephen is gone and this is my life now.

QP