I lost my husband, my soul mate, to a car wreck in November 2018.  I have done nothing but mess up since.   I am stupid in the ways of the world I guess.  I had a very hard time handling the loss.  I went into a very dark place.  I quit my job, started using marijuana, and destroyed a couple of friendships.  I am an utter mess, my own doing I know, but now I do not know where to turn.  My husband and I had so many plans for the future.  He was home here with me for a couple of months, recovering from surgery on his foot/ankle.  It was wonderful.  Around March of this year he was going to permanently retire.  I was going to keep working for insurance purposes.  Everything we had worked for the past 19 years was finally going to happen... I guess not.

My husband, Dave, always took care of everything, he always took care of me,  I ALWAY'S felt loved and safe.  And now here I am.  

I had just started a new job a few month's before my husband passed away.  It was a good job.  actually a great job.  But after my husband passed, they told me I had to be retrained... what I heard was "you are not good enough"  Yes, I quit, i did not deal with it and try harder like I should have, like an adult would have.  I retreated to my bedroom where I stayed for a long time.  That was also the end of my therapy as I was in EAP.

I live in the north woods in what was going to be Dave and my retirement home.  We also have a house 100 miles south which is where my husband stayed during the week while he worked.  He was home every chance he had.  We were not the type of people who really went out and socialized.  We were happy with just the two of us.  Together, busy working and making plans for retirement.  So, I never made any friendships here.  Not really, not friends, just workplace aquaintances.

Mistake number 1:  I quit my job

Mistake number 2:  marijuana

Because I never made friends here, I was very, very alone and still in that dark place.  I allowed my nephew to move in with me to help me out and keep me company once in a while.  Just someone to talk to.  It was a little rough in the beginning because I am so overly protective of my husbands things.  I couldn't stand seeing them be touched.  But we worked our way through it and I believe we have come to a healthy understanding.

After my nephew moved in, I allowed my sister to move in with her two dogs.  I knew it wouldn't work when I allowed it.  It never does.  My sister and I do not get along.  We are two very different people.  That ended very, very badly and i kicked her out.  She has been running her mouth about me locally ever since.

Mistake number 3:  counting on people who have let me down before and not counting on myself.

Dave and I did not have a will which opened up a whole new mess.  Dave left me very well off with life insurance, 401k and pension but I am losing half of EVERYTHING else to the estate.  Dave has a son who lives in Idaho.  Dave's son makes $280k a year as some kind of big wig on an oil rig in Russia.  I guess it isn't enough because he is after every penny he can get out of what my husband and i worked so hard for over the past 19 years.  His reasoning is that my children (and their children) and I am not Dave's family because we are not blood.   He claims he is doing exactly what his dad would want.  I don't agree with this.  He does not know me and he did not know his dad.  But there is nothing I can do about it.  This is the law.  I beg you though, if you are married and you do not have a will, GET ONE MADE IMMEDIATLEY.  It is an ugly thing, what people turn into when someone passes away.

The estate attorney is after EVERYTHING.  including this house i live in which i inherited from my parents.  I am scared.  I dont know what is going to happen and i have no control over my emotions.   One minute i want to fight (but I dont know how) and the next minute i just want to get high out of my mind, crawl into bed and wish the world away.  I just dont have much fight left in me.  

I recently decided i had to try to quit smoking and return to work.  The beginning of making things right... and then my leg went out.   I went to the doctor two weeks ago to discover that number one I have very terrible insurance.  They cover nothing (Chub insurance).  I had several doctors appointments and two ct scans last week for which i paid out of pocket.  I found out that I have periphial artery disease and must have surgery this week.  It is very difficult for me to walk and I can not walk very far.   I am waiting for the hospital to call and schedule the surgery.  I also have two annurisms, one on my right iliac artery and one on my aorta, as well as a growing mass in my lungs.  Crap insurance and no one to hold me and tell me I will be okay.

Mistake number 4: quitting my job.  losing my insurance.

I don't know what is going to happen to me, my life and the things Dave and I worked so hard for.  I do not know what tomorrow holds and that scares the hell out of me.  

I tried hiring an attorney of my own to work with the estate lawyer.  NO ONE will help me. 

I need to go to work but now i cant even walk. 

I need insurance and now i have a 'pre-existing' condition.

I have two kids.  A 31 year old daughter whom i cant talk to because according to her "i am just feeling sorry for myself"  perhaps she is right.  I know what i have to do, i just dont feel like i have a reason to do it.  

I also have a 27 year old son who is the greatest.  he is here helping me every minute he has to spare.  His favorite saying is "it will all work out"    Oh how I wish i could believe that.

I spend my days sitting at the kitchen table looking out the window, usually with tears in my eyes, thinking how things were supposed to be.  I think of all the things i should be doing and then i think "why bother, they are just going to take it away from me anyway"  I sit and think I need to work on Dave's dreams and make this home the paradise he wanted... but there again, I can't do that when I may lose it all.

I am stupid.  i do not know the laws.  I do not know what i can and cant do.  and i have no one to guide me.

I feel so lost and so alone.  I feel as though everyone has their lives and their families and i should not be bothering them with this mess i have made.

How i wish i had someone to talk to.  someone who's been here.  someone who survived....