No, you are NOT being punished for anything, this life or any other (if there are other lives). Horrible things happen, this is a very imperfect world. We lose people who mean more to us than we do to ourselves and it is quite difficult to deal with such loss. You would benefit enormously by seeing a certified grief specialist. And you most likely need a short term medication because you sound as if you're suffering from invasive thoughts and memories, bad dreams: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I do, too. You're young. He does not want you to go on in this way. Keep fighting for the "rest" of your life, you do not know what God has in store for you. Something good, I expect, at some point in the future. This doesn't mean you stop loving this man, it means you grow from his premature loss. God bless you.

Thanks for the advice. I think I do need counseling and meds. Someone actually said to me you're not depressed are you? I guess with the anniversaty I am feeling particularily bad. Most of my life has been bad luck so it is hard to think that anything good is in store for me after this. I live on a block full of single mothers, widows, divorcees and women basically alone. I used to feel sorry for them and felt lucky to have someone even though they say they like being alone. I don't hold out much hope to find love twice in a lifetime. Thank you though and Bless you for your kind words.

QP

Well today is the day. 4 Years since I lost Stephen and I am replaying that day and yyasterday was 4 years since we were last together. These women I work with want me to come over and it almost seems like they want to celebrate. They are getting a cake! My neighbor said it sounds like we are celebrating a death and that is how I feel. She said that he died so they could have a life because before all this happened they never did anything and I have been driving them places and doing them favors. She said it did occupy my mind but they actually make me feel worse and are even a greater reminder that he is gone. Do you think it is appropriate for then to have a party on this day? I think they are doing it more for themselves for the company that thinking of me.

QP

I lost both my parents. I know that I and them would not want to be remembered for the moment of death, and instead to be remembered for the many good times, for the many laughs and that the memories should be a celebration.

For Christmas that just passed, I decided to have a "celebration of life" by myself for them. I said prayers and then spoke to them about my memories of the funny times and when we laughed out loud. I found myself eventually laughing so hard over things Dad and I had said to each other. It truly is a celebration of life and it really honors their life and memory.

My friend died in April and she had no service or funeral and instead had a Celebration of Life. She understood completely and didn't want her memory to be of her terminal health problem, but instead her great times, her wonderful sense of humor and how many times we all laughed.

In my heart, I know that's my parents wanted and that's what I want too. Seriously, no one wants to be remembered for expiring in an E.R. from an accident, or expiring from other means. That's keeping the really sad part as your memory of them.

It's up to you whether you keep the sad part as the memory or whether you celebrate his life. Because it's your choice.

I went to my friends house and it wasn't so bad. I guess it was nice of them to think about me. I just feel like they are trying to take over my life. They really are nice. I don't want to remember Stephen's death but for some reason this anniversry is especially sad. I am even sadder today. I think it is because the rest of my life is so lousy that I am thhinking about that terrible day a lot and also other bad things. I hopE I can get to a place where you are so that I can only remember the good times and I do sometinmes. I think we all need something good to happen to help ease the pain from the bad instaed of one bad thing after another. I think if my luck ever changes the good memories will outweigh the bad and that is all I hope for for all of us.

QP

First let me say this..I am so sorry for your loss.And you are not being punished that is aburd.On May 22nd,2009 my boyfriend iof 12 years committed suicide and it has been 4 years for me also.It is hard to imagine life without him and I still cry at night.However,I am trying tomove on and further my education to try to get a good part time job and I hope that i can.I will always love Brad.In fact,I miss him and I must learn to live without him and try to forgive and move on.I am seeing a grief person and he is helping me cop.You could benefit by seeing someone and they will help.I wish the best for you.vader

My parents had died before this past Christmas. So I could have been miserable because my life probably isn't what many would desire, and I'm considered as living at the poverty level and I could have chosen to feel the terribleness of their deaths. But I didn't want that, they didn't want that, and I chose not to do that. Instead I joined with God to rejoice in them joining him and rejoice in their lives. It can be done at any time.

You're saying it's been 4 years, and things are actually getting worse.

Good things happen because you decide to make them happen, and it isn't luck. Good things happening don't just get dropped on you like sprinkles on a cupcake. You get out beyond yourself and volunteer to help others and good comes from doing good. You can even talk to the heart society and participate in their walks, their events and in their fund raising events all on behalf of Stephen and it would be something great to do in his memory.

I'm willing to bet that in these last four years, you were still saying these same things and here it is years later and you are here now and still saying the same old things. Nothing changes until you do. Get out there and make changes. Take care and many hugs.

Thanks. I don't know how you do it. My parents were sick for so long that I don't remember much more than hospital and doctors visits and the bad. I do do a lot for others. In fact too much. Sometimes I think I was put on earth only to do for others. I take care of my neighbor when her own kids won't which gets me mad. Today I am mowing the grass there and weeding. I don't decide for the bad things to happen. they just come at me especially when I am the most down. I try to remember the good but the bad just seems to outweigh it. So it is not just the anniversary in these years it is all the other things that pull me down and just serve to remind me of the bad. I will try and have been. Thanks.

QP