Dear Lost,

I really mean it when I say I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. You have been through a lot. I see why it hurts so much. But that doesn't mean you have to take your life. I may not understand completely what you are going through, but I can relate.

Over the course of my life, I have lost all my grandparents, a friend, an uncle who ended his life, my stepdad, had a miscarriage in 2011 after trying for 5 years (have no other children prior and still no children) and recently lost my mom (12/31). Still grieving very much, BUT still standing.

I want you to know God doesn’t expect you to be happy about what has been torn from your hands—your health, a job, or someone you love—but if you are willing to trust him, he can turn trash into triumph.

Please don't give up. It's not easy, but there is always hope!

Also, not saying this to offend you by any means, but please seek help at the following numbers, please.

Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-8255)

Ma'am, the only practical thing that any person can suggest today is that you go in to see a professional for a complete evaluation (mental status examination/evaluation). It is very clear that you are in a dark and depressed mood. And although your thoughts are somewhat disturbed, I do notice that you still have some clarity in how you record your thoughts, behavior and feeling in written words.

However, you are developing into a crisis situation now, and you are without a ready coping plan on-hand. Without a safe plan, things can, and do, at times change for the worse overnight or when you least expect it, and at which time you may not be able to communicate rationally just what's happening in your mind very clearly at all. And no person but a trained & skilled professional can offer therapeutic help and recommend advice to you now. In addition, with face-to-face contact, a trained-eye & keen ear can know much more by noticing your appearance, which is equally as important to assess as that of the knowledge of your troubled thoughts, along with your out-of-the-ordinary behaviors and sad feelings; this is all important news. Expect that during the initial assessment, the doctor will take in consideration certain other factors & physical conditions, such as: your general appearance; your tone of voice; concentration; attention span; self-care and many other observations are important to know of - all those hidden and unseen things unknown by online supporters cannot help you with, you see? At present, there is nothing that any person can say to effectively guide you out of this depressive mood.

Conventionally, at this support site, it is only possible that others can only encourage you to seek for treatment, as one can sense that of which is depressing for you is common to what others experience with this illness. And I am grateful that you are aware that you should seek to share your thoughts openly and admit your struggles in a support group. Still, it is important for you to seek professional medical intervention right away. Because the process of your pain is way too much of a challenge for you to handle only by the help and advice present at this site.

I place strong emphasis on my words and you must see a doctor very soon. You can no longer avoid this suggestion. You deserve to be well and your family loves and cares for you and they need you healthy, well and happy.

Best of strength to you,

Remiah

Dear Lost,

I have 3 major losses in my life, they have not hit me as hard as yours have, but I can see one thing that we share. There is a sense of "toxic buildup" that comes with each one that is somewhat unrelated to a specific passing. For me that buildup had a "name" and I called it "losing my birth family". My wife who was my rock when my parents were ill and then passed did not and still does not understand it.

I have friends who have lost both parents and they say they understand it. But they do not.

I do have one friend here who DOES understand it. SunCloud has also lost her birth family, and she is about my age. (Close enough!) She does not understand the very difficult specifics of what losing my dad meant to me, and I do not understand those specifics for her life.

But she understands the idea of this "toxic buildup" that we have both gone through.

For many people, it is the sheer number of people that they have lost that becomes their toxic buildup. Hopefully you can identify what your toxic buildup is, and find people who have the same issue and talk to them.

There is a path out of this, please keep trying. We will too.

Continuing hugs

You mentioned therapy, but you don't want a random therapist telling you the same old annoying cliches. Here is a way that some people here have avoided this.

Take a copy of some of the things you have written, this post is a GREAT one. Give it to the therapist to read. It can set the tone for all sessions to follow. You can even add to it that you don't want the tired old argument about doing the phases of grief, blah blah blah.

And you can take your husband with you. He can have the job of representing what you want the ground rules of the therapy to be. That way you don't have to worry about holding it together to fight for what you want and need. In fact, your husband can filter out therapists who insist on using methods that you totally detest.

Please let us know how you are doing

Dear Lost,

I can't begin to say I know how you are feeling because I have not had to face a loss like yours; but I have face the unexpected loss of my best friend in a car accident. I know the days do not ease the pain or the fact that you miss them so much. After her loss I became very depressed and wondered what happened even tried to imagine how the accident went. I often visited the place where she died. I was completely torturing myself by doing that. My days went by just daydreaming about my best friend and I forgot that I had a family to take care off. I barely spent time with my 5 year old in fact her trying to get my attention was almost impossible. Suddenly I had an encounter with God and he spoke to me and said you have a family that needs you, you have a little girl that looks up to you and all she wants is to spend time with her. I suddenly began to pray and ask for healing and peace of mind. I can't tell you that I'm completely healed from her loss but the days have gotten better. Yes I still miss her, yes I just wish I could hear her voice one last time. But I live with the faith that we will meet again.

Your daughters need you! I'm sure you love them and you will do anything for them and you will protect them from any pain. Hurting yourself will cause them a great deal of pain. How will they grow up and be ok knowing that their mom left this earth not by the will of God but because she took her own life. Look back at the days you spent with your mom and the happy moments you had together. Built the same moments with your girls. Our children are our inspiration and they are what keeps us going. If not for yourself do it for them believe me they will make life better for you.

Thank you for your support and replies. No offense to anyone. I actually do not believe in God. There is no in taking away so many family members. TO inflict this much pain and hurt on a family. You see so many with everything that is good with their lives to not experience the loss of anyone until late in life. More than half of my family are gone and I am only 36. To think that potential I only have half way lived my years. The thought of that is torture to know that the future ahead is without them.
I have the funeral tomorrow...... that is one reason I did not end yesterday. So I could go and pay my respects.
I love my daughter I do and that is another reason that I stayed. However this is not living and I maybe present physically but mentally are not!

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't believe in God but it is understandable with the great amount of pain you have been put through. As a Christian our job is to pray for those in need and that need some sort of understanding. I will be doing that for you!

You have said it just as I imagine. You love your daughters. Make then the center of your universe speak to them about who your parents were and the reasons why you loved them dearly. I'm sure you thinking of them and sharing how special they are to you will help with coping with the pain.

My heart is sincerely with you as you have to attend the funeral tomorrow. Remember to surround yourself by those who love you (husband, daughters) and let them help you. I will continue to pray for you. May you find peace in your heart :(

Lostwithoutmom,

Not trying to push Christianity on you, but would like to try and offer perspective. I understand that it is hard to beleive in God when there is so much pain and loss. I used to have that same mind set.
But the enemy here is the devil and his lies, not God. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. God offers love, compassion and life. If you ask "Why then does God let bad things happen?" The answer, although simple, is hard to accept for some people. Death and suffering are the punishment for sin ("All have fallen short of the Glory of God" Romans 3:23). But Jesus Christ provided the solution to that problem when He died on the Cross and rose again. Because of Christ, we have hope for now and eternity. But people must accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior to experience His love and hope.

I really do not believe in God at all. No way to change my mind.....
Thank you thou.

All people experience weary & sorrowful souls. I have so. And a broken heart is not a sin; though it is a serious trial.

Only as believers, one should not delay efforts to attend to the needs of others, which is what we do here; this is our faith: a mission of hopeful rescue.

Perhaps, in this situation, however, only the message(s) of love is best; not instruction. Yet, many of us feel that our own experience with hurt, pain and grief, has been and is an important part of exposure to events of ministering angels. Using real-life experiences with angels changes thoughts and feelings quite different than what any person or thing has ever been done before. I personally know this for a fact.

Believer or not, death brings in a spiritual awareness; sharp and keen and the heart bleeds from every pore in anguish; still this is not for any sin or lack of belief in God, nor should it seek to expose a good person to fault for not believing in God. God will never press any person to accept Him, for He has graciously given mankind personal agency to choose his or her own way of living life: agency is free will to be governed by self-will, and I respect that this dear lady is honest with her thoughts & that she is courteous with those who have honorable intentions to share faith & testimony in God. God is not sorrowful for our efforts. By God's plan, every contrite spirit and broken heart is a prerequisite for true repentance. Still, grief is not an action of sin; though the sorrow may change past actions, ways or habits and encourage positive growth along the way of life.

Keep in mind, love never fails & God delights in all good things. He still loves us through it all. Romans 8:31-39


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I haven't experienced these losses as U have. But from what u say I completely understand why u wana end your life and why u wouldn't believe in God. Bc why would god hurt us so much? My sister's fiance died in a car crash recently and where was God to save him? He was 39 years old. My sister has never been the same. I only say that u think more about your daughter before u end things. And how she would grow up without u. U have to move forward for her.

Big hug for you lost..... I adored my mom as well and I have lost my birth family..... I think you've been given some good advise.... Grief is so painful ....
I just wanted to add that grief can turn into major depression for some and that's an illness that really needs treatment.... I think from some of what you've written in posts that this might ? be what you're going through.... Of course you'd need to see a doctor ... I know that's not what you want.... That's also one of the symptoms is that a person shuns treatment
I'm going to put up a link sweetie.... I hope that you'll perhaps read it..... Another big hug for you.... xo

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-grief/201203/when-does-grief-become-depression