Oh, Debra, I am so very sorry you lost your precious daughter. You have come to the right place for you to express your grief, cry, scream, we all understand the agony of loss of a loved one. Just try and take good care of yourself, sweetheart, try and eat healthy food to keep up your strength, drink lots of water, and get plenty of sleep. Grief is exhausting. It's okay for you to stay in bed, just rest, relax. I know what you mean by wanting to run away. But you will only carry your grief with you. You can even try and sleep in her room if it makes you feel close to her, look at her pictures, remember your sweet memories of her when she was a baby and little girl. This is a long journey, we are all here to comfort, support, listen and understand you. It helps immensely to share your grief and not really care about being strong to suit everyone. They have no idea. Take care of yourself, and stay with us.
Hugs, Nanette

Thank you Nanette. Today has been hard. Every day is so hard. I'm glad I stumbled upon this site. I know I cant run from this pain, it will follow me and haunt me all of my life. I really want to get in to see a grief counselor but I dont even know where to begin, and then work it into my schedule.. so many expectations and demands and I'm just here like okay.. I'm here..I'm breathing..that's all I have today! :(

Huge hug for you Debra ... I am so very sorry for your loss.... Someone very close to me lost her daughter (31) last December.... She joined a group that was a bereavement group for parents who had lost children.... I think there's probably nothing like that type of pain... She found it very helpful and has made a couple of friends that she also sees away from the group.... There are also MeetUps for parents who have lost children that may be in your area
I'm glad that you've found DS... It's a good site.... Gentle hug and a blessing...xo

Thank you! I will see if I can find any support groups near by. I'm truly sorry for your friends loss.. there is nothing comparable to this pain. I lost my husband almost 5 years ago to cancer, that was very hard, but it did not shatter my entire world like losing her has.. I lost my mom in 2005.. that hurt so bad, but still nothing in comparison.. but I think its all catching up with me.. all the loss, the hurt, and losing my sweet baby girl has finally pushed me over the edge.. I have never been so broken! :(

(((((((((((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))))))))))
My brother died in a motorcycle accident 40 years ago. He was 16 and he died 5 days before my 15th birthday. Although we were siblings.......it was the worst pain I ever had to go through. I have been picking up the pieces for my parents since. My dad joined my brother 4 years ago.
My parents have never gotten over it which is understandable. However, they usually side stepped talking about him or what happened which has caused them all kinds of horrible health issues.
So I urge you NOT to keep everything inside. I say scream.......cry........throw stuff......hit pillows.......anything to release the feelings. Don't worry what others think or say (I had ppl tell me to get over my brother a month after his death......uuuuggggghhhhhhh.....ppl even said insensitive things at his funeral). Know that others are uncomfortable and usually don't know what to say and engage their mouths without thinking. The best you can do is TRY to ignore their ignorance and walk away and just take care of yourself.
I too kept everything inside and ended up having a breakdown 15 years later and ended up in a hospital psych ward for 3 months (not pretty). I was forced to face his death as well as other horrible things in my life.
I say seek out a grief counselor or a group for parents who have lost a child. You should NEVER have to go through this alone.
I'm so glad you found your way to this site and hope you find some solace and comfort in knowing you are among those that understand your pain. There is no greater loss than to lose a child. You will never get over it......but you will get through it. Lean on us until you find some solid ground. It will take time. There is no time limit on grief....it's a personal thing. Do not rush it to please others......their inability to understand is their problem.
Take care of YOU and just do the best you can. If getting out of bed is all you can do for the day......then good on you. I give you permission to be gentle and patient with yourself.
Sorry you have to be here.....but here is a safe landing place for you.

First, I'm so sorry you're on this path none of us wanted to walk. I can't tell you that it gets easier just that you learn to move forward. Since my 18 year old son sirs 13 years ago I find thete are often"sins" when I need them most. A certain song will play at just the right moment. A butterfly will land on my porch. A smell of his favorite Colonie. I'll run into a friend of his that will share a story. For you I wish signs so you know your beautiful daughter is watching over you and forever by your side.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. None of us ever expects to lose our children. Grandparents, yes; parents, yes; spouse, siblings, friends, yes.

Children never.

The more I hear stories like yours, the more I tend to think that we all need 3 environments: one where people are always ready to support us, to listen to our cries; one where we get support, but limited; and one final environment were we get little if any support.

I think that the third one is kind of like the deep end of the pool; we want to venture into it from time to time, but we want the freedom to retreat to the safety of shallow waters.

Sadly we often end up in the deep end all the time. Or too much of the time.

Have you tried to tell people that "I am hurting, and I don't want to be strong right now, I can't be strong right now, I need to cry now." Tell them that they don't need to understand that; tell them that the only way they would understand that would be if they suffered a similar loss. Tell them that they need to accept that this is how your path is unfolding.

I am happy that you have found us here. I am very sad for the way that you have come to know us here, but happy to meet you.

Gentle hugs

Hugs for you, a mother should never have to bury their child. My best advice is to let yourself feel the grief, never supress it. Good luck and healing vibes~

Hi Debra, On the 12th of April my mum passed away suddenly, she was only 46. I know your pain must be much worse I don't have any children but I do understand the deep bond between a mother and child and I too am going through some of the things you are. Pretending I am ok because people get very uncomfortable if I say that it hurts more now than it ever has. My mum was my life, she was only 17 when I was born so I hoped she would be beside me until I was 70. The pain is unbearable as I'm sure yours is. I have no answers but if you ever want to talk I'm here. Take Care X

Thank you all so much for your advice, kind words, and for sharing your stories. I haven't logged in here for a few days, so I apologize for the late reply to some of you. Sometimes the waves are too big and it's all I can do to get through work.. but I am so appreciative of every one of your comments!
I was talking to a friend yesterday and she asked me how I was. That's the unavoidable question.. the question that people ask more so as a routine than them genuinely wanting to know. Most of the time I muster up just enough strength to fake my way through saying I'm okay. Everyone knows it's a lie, but it's what society wants to hear. My friend caught me off guard though, as I stood there speaking to her I seen a tear run down her cheek and she said "I just wonder how someone lives to be so old after losing their child." In that moment I lost it.. I broke down there on the spot. I have asked that question a million times in my mind, I have prayed, begged God to take me so many times since I lost Trinity, I have felt so alone. But my friend, who has not lost a child..she gets it..it's like she pulled that question straight out of my broken soul. I was so physically and emotionally spent after work and our conversation that I came home and fell asleep before 7pm without any medication. Every single day is so hard in so many ways...

Hi Debra, I just found this site and saw your post. I too am hurting so badly I don't know how I'm going to survive this awful pain I feel everyday. July 19th I lost my 23 year old son Joshua. He went to sleep and didn't wake up. I don't know what happened yet, I have to wait for 3 months for the toxicology report. It's only been a little over 2 weeks but it already feels like years since I saw him. I can't stop crying and wondering why we have to go through this horrible pain. I don't want to face the world I would rather stay home where I can grieve. I feel so weak and helpless. I truly do know your pain and I pray we are both able to find strength to get through each day.

Hi Debra, I too lost my daughter recently, May 18, 2016. She had mono and went into sudden liver failure. I didn't even know you could die from mono. She would have been 17 this September. It's so hard, I haven't had a day go by that I haven't cried, or wished her back, or wish I had done something different, even though everyone has told me there was nothing different I could have done. I don't have advice, I'm no one special, but I can share what I do. I take a day at a time, and at the end of the day, I mark a tally on a calendar. I don't know why, maybe to signify that I got through another day, that I did it, no matter how much I didn't think I could in the morning. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I know how hard it is. Just remember you're not alone.