I was diagnosed with Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis over 16 years ago. I am in my early 30's and for years I just told myself I would not let my diagnosis rule my life. Unfortunately I have reached the point where I forgot what it is like to experience a day without pain. In 16 years I have never experienced even a week of remission. I have tried everything from Advil to biologics. Nothing has worked to any real degree since Celebrex stopped working while I was in college. I think I am more looking for a place to vent than anything else. I don't think anyone in my life can truly understand what it feels like to forget what it is to be pain free. For the first time I am feeling my career choices are being driven by my disease. There seems to be no one who can comprehend what it is like to live day in and day out in a fog of pain that cannot be medicated away. I have reached the point where I am starting to give up and for the first time I can't seem to stop the tears and anger. My doctor once called me the best and worst patient. The best because I had the drive to keep fighting no matter what. The worst because I was determined to live my life as if nothing had changed, that included skiing after being told I should take the season off to let my body rest. Now I am just tired of it all and don't know what to do. I want to have the life I see my friends enjoying, a stable career paired with a loving family and I feel like I am not able to have any of that. After all, who would want to match up to someone like me? A woman who can hardly hold a fork on a bad day. I wish I knew where to put the anger that is suddenly boiling up inside. Any suggestions?
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