There are so many other ways to discipline children that are not physical like explaining what they did and it’s consequences, taking away privileges such as TV, video games, playing with friends for a few days, assigning chores that are age appropriate.

I was also raised in an environment of fear. My mom would use a paddle or hairbrush to hit me with. My dad would whip me with a belt. There were other forms of punishment I won’t go into. Like you it taught me fear, but also rage.
I think my parents did it to teach me sometimes, but also out of anger, especially when my dad was drunk.

My parents didn't care enough to attempt discipline of any sort. Socially distant as I was from any of the traditional discipline approaches, I was quite determined that my own children would have the structure my childhood lacked. As an idealistic young woman, I took the "explaining" approach in my first parenting career. The result was dependent adult children who can passively resist their way out of any approach to solving their own problems. Neither of my middle aged sons has ever accomplished sustainable independence. One of those sons died in a traffic accident shortly before the Corona Crowning at the age of 36. His 3 children were already in protective custody at the time of the accident. The other (40) is so isolated that I am haunted by the wonder of which of my sons died first.

The death of the younger son marked the start of my second parenting career. I still don't see the sense in corporal punishment (spanking) and the marshal law mandated fear of Coronaville has created an isolated social bubble I have no words to describe, much less respond to intelligently. I have yet to read a COVID-19 parenting guide that didn't read like one of the public service announcements I hear/read on every street corner.

Taking ^it^ one prayer at a time. . .

Is it good news that at least I have some relief from figuring out 21st century parenting protocols? I still don't know how to accomplish child play dating. I never even figured out how to do 20th century adult dating. I married my best friend without any of the dating rituals beforehand.

Writing it out is an important first step in sorting out the thoughts associated with this physical discipline.

Take a free self-defense class sometime. It will help you sort through the feelings in a physical discipline event.

Understanding the different perspectives of how others feel about physical discipline will be a combination of learning your body and brain reaction to sort out how you want to change your response and reaction time to remain calm in a moment of physical discipline.

Best wishes as you find your better balance.

This was an interesting post. My heart goes out to the ones here who lived in fear of physical discipline. My heart especially goes out to the lady whose son died in a accident before corona hit the world, and who has a distant relationship with her other son. These are difficult times.

I am 53 and an educator. When I first started teaching corporal punishment—i.e. “the strap”—was still a thing. When I became pregnant I read everything I could on parenting, and stumbled across some attachment parenting information. This style really resonated with me. I decided that spanking would never be a part of my parenting “toolbox”. My theory was this: if I allowed the option of spanking to be there for that “one time”, that I would surely use it. And sure enough, there were many occasions—one greater than the other—when each one would have been justified in my mind the use of spanking just that once.

My children are all adults now. The oldest has always had mental health issues non-related to how he was raised (schizotypal personality disorder comorbid with OCD. His teenage years were characterized by drug use and mental health issues which gradually peaked until he had a complete breakdown (tho has now fortunately stabilized and is under the care of a wonderful psychiatrist). The second son had a birth injury resulting in a speech impediment (overcome by intense speech therapy—nonetheless a traumatic way to start one’s life). The oldest daughter learned to speak copying her older brother and had a speech impediment as well, thus requiring therapy too. The youngest has her own set of issues. Their father and I split up 16 years ago. They have all experienced their challenges but throughout they have never had the added-on trauma of the person who is supposed to unconditionally love and protect them raise a hand upon them to purposefully cause pain. I believe that had this been the case their lives would have been much different, and not in a good way. Throughout everything home has been a safe space. In our home there is no bullying. I intervene if there is. I am the parent and I make sure there is peace. They know you do not strike the vulnerable. They at least have that and because of this I am still a strong believer in using gentle yet consistent methods of discipline which do not involve humiliation or loss of dignity but instead teach/instruct/train the child. Pain does not have to be involved in this process. In my house we teach boundaries, even as I struggled to find mine over the years because of growing up in an authoritarian household.

So in summary—I believe that the best way to parent is by setting goals and finding ways that positively reaches these goals. This will involve constant review on the part of the parent, constant reflection, constant observation, self-awareness, and above all empathy.

Dad would use his belt. I had to behind over his lap and he would strike my bare bottom. This sent on till I was about 9 or so. He was judicious in his use of corporal punishment. And I deserved to be hit. Children need to learn the limits of behavior.

I was an abused child. My biological father is an alcoholic and beat us is in the morning before school just because we were clinking or spoons to the cereal bowl while eating breakfast. He beat me with a hanger once for shits and giggles. He once threatened “to beat me to a bloody pulp” because I misbehaved for the sitter.
He used to tell us to find a board with lots of nails in it so he could beat us. I am very traumatized by that man to this day I get scared when I see a man get angry for fear of violence. My nieces and nephews get spanked with a hand but never beat. I think nothing is wrong with an occasional spanking but I was beat with a belt a lot. I was a well behaved child. Mom never beat us.

Physical discipline is very much understood because so many people applied it in the wrong way. In the older generations, they always immediately apply physical discipline and many times the parent is raging with anger because they feel offended by the child’s disobedience and also because of some embarrassment that resulted from the child’s action. First of all, it should be used as a last resort. There are many kids who are very compliant and will never need it. And it should not be used on kids younger than 5 and never on adopted abused children. There are strong willed kids who will scoff at discipline and I have met many narcs which was a result of spoiling and lenient parenting.
Talking to them, withholding privileges, timeout and standing in the corner are the first to be used. When I disciplined my son with these and reached a point where he was still disobeying I resorted to spanking. I looked him in the eye and explained to him that I love him but because he needs to learn a lesson, I told him that I will have to do it. After that he learned not to disobey. My kids grew up very disciplined in a God honoring environment and his obedience to me moved on to obedience to God. He is very much loved by his friends because of his virtues, disciplined with money and things and relationships. My dad also spanked me only once because I stole money and he made me lie down on a couch instead of just violently beating me. That was also my only spanking.
Physical discipline is very much abused and have caused a lot of pain, but properly understood, it is a tool, just a tool, of last resort. But the parent should also have a good character and disciplined otherwise he has no right disciplining a child when he himself is not.

I meant “Physical discipline is very much MISunderstood”