the countless times i've lost my will to go on during my own trail of tears have ALL benefited from letting myself take a break so that i could simply process the entirely too many psycho yaddahs attached to the recovery blahs.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process, scruffydawg. sometimes doing nothing is something, after all.

although. . .
planting your adult feet next to that unheard teenager and giving him his overdue hearing is quite allot, all by itself. he needs to be heard, whether he is making sense, or knot. especially if he is not making sense? the insensible parts are what need to be worked through.

Don't give up!
Keep writing. You are heard on DS!

Arfie, I really appreciate your approach and I can tell you speak from experience. I really respect that a lot. Yeah, I came back to the states to visit a friend who's in recovery for her own issues. It was supposed to be a “vacation” but as they say “wherever you go there you are”.

It's given me some space to get clearer, but oh crap lol. It's just a LOT. I'm angry, hurt, lost, andbecause of where I'm at, my mental faculties are sub par and it's scary. It became apparent that I'd need to go no contact with my Dad, because his guilt ridden texts just triggered my inner critic (over and over).

In doing that my inner teen got a bit of a voice, and he is hurt and pissed OMG. So I'm journaling, trying to take care of myself. But there's a part of myself, that wants to go self destructive. Anybody up for a weekend in Vegas? “It will be EPIC” and dangerous.

Damn, this journey is tough. Again thanks for the response.

Thank you CW!

It is a tough journey, but when you reach the destination, you will realize it was all worth it.

One of the best gifts we give ourselves is writing it out.

Here's to finding your better balance while keeping your safe distance as you heal.

I can't go with you Scruffy. I lost a year's salary and an entire year of my life at the casinos. But I'm still alive...guess that's something.....

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the support.

@MelT2020 - I think that going to be wishful thinking for me too Mel. To tempting to blow money I don't need to. I'm honestly trying to find a better road too

yea, that wherever i go, there i am cliché ruined some of my bestest attempts at escaping myself, but i still felt like a better me without the external factors which gave me the base my psychotic international flight pattern launched from. returning home after living abroad has caused me to short circuit, every time.

still. . . over the course of short circuiting as i faced those demons, i found the courage to set and maintain serious boundaries and even cut ties, when needed. it hurt like a father fuck, but i believe the gain was worth the pain. healing happened. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

for what it's worth
i swear by the inner child theories, up to and including parenting the inner child. adolescence is rough. parent that child patiently. he needs you.

“Sometimes I think perhaps I hold onto the pain because it's the only thing left to define me. “

THIS.

I swear I think this is how it is for a lot of people, certainly was for me for a big part of my adult life. I remember talking to a therapist many years ago telling her, if I
don’t have emotional chaos and pain and anxiety, what will I do with myself?

One of my favorite song lyrics is by Alejandro Escovedo where he sings:
“ The poets on their bar stools
They just loved it when it rained
They comb their hair in the mirror
Grow addicted to the pain.”

I think there is something to growing addicted to emotional pain, or at least getting sort of chummy with it because to your point, if not, who the hell are we then?

Taking breaks to process is good. Boundaries with parents is way good too! I had no contact with my dad for over 20 years. In my late 20s I had just kind of had had enough. I was a nervous wreck whenever he was around and it always, ALWAYS took me back to being a little hurt kid. Alcoholic parents suck that way. So I set ground rules for any possible re-engagement and he could never abide. Doing that was the only way to my own self preservation. And ultimately it was very liberating for me. He saw it as punishment. I saw it as taking some control back. It was mind blowing at the time because I didn’t know up until then that I had a choice, that I wasn’t required to listen to someone try to manipulate me or blame me.

Anyway, set your boundaries and just go easy on yourself. Processing stuff that gets kicked up is not for the faint of heart that for sure.

There are days where I too get really fed up and done with everything and always to the point where I don’t feel like killing myself but I do feel like not wanting to fight anymore, and on those days something in the world always tells me to keep going. I’m not trying to flutter you with garbage but last time I thought that, a good friend called me out of nowhere, the time before that I hung out with people who apparently loved me more than I ever realized, and before that I saw the most beautiful sunset. Believe me tomorrow maybe worse, it can always get worse, but what if tomorrow was the day that everything worked out. What if tomorrow was the day that you met someone amazing, had the best slice of cake, or saw the most beautiful painting. What if tomorrow you saw something so breathtaking it made you believe in God because something has to exist in order to make something so beautiful. Maybe tomorrow you see the cutest little pupper or hear a song that you feel in your soul. Maybe tomorrow isn’t for anyone else to ruin but for you to show yourself that you’re strong enough to make it. Maybe we shouldn’t aim for months or years down the road but maybe just tomorrow, and I would love to hear from you then.