I hate feeling guilty and anxious.  Especially about expressing my opinion or feelings.  My mother and I fought 7 years ago.  I went to a therapist who thought it would be good to take a breather between us, but my mother said she "couldn't go on" if I didn't keep emailing her each and every day.  It was so hard listening to her complain about being lonely and about the place where she lived being awful.  She lived with us before that and hated it so.  She said it almost made her feel sick to be around us and she wanted to move out. (her comment was what caused the fight)

Now she has a boyfriend.  She lives at his house, but doesn't want to give up her apartment.  He doesn't have internet so she has to go back to her apartment to email.  Her emails have gotten more and more erratic.  They used to come at 7:30am every morning.  Now it is  9-10am or every  2 or 3pm and sometimes not at all.  Usually she tells me when she is not going to email, but not always.  

I have for 18 years sent her an email first thing in the morning every day of my life.  Even when I was working 70 hours a week, or when I had to head for work at 5:30am I set my alarm 15 minutes earlier than I needed so I had time to write her.  Last week she told me she couldn't write for two days because her boyfriend was having a yard sale.  She has her own car and it is 6 miles from his house to hers in a town of 6000 people.  I was annoyed, but said nothing.

Then Tuesday a friend wanted to walk at 7am.  I got up, but not early enough to get an email written.  When I came home from the walk I wanted to mow the yard before it hit 95 degrees.  Then I had errands to run and it was 10am before I got on the computer.  I found an email from her saying she hadn't heard from me and hoped everything was all right.  I was annoyed, but could deal with it, but the next line complained she'd have to stop by the apartment again later to see if I had written.

I lost it a bit.  I emailed her back and told her she did not email me at a regular time any more and I had been busy and that I was not going to get up early to email her any more when I had things to do.  I was happy she had Orville (the boyfriend), but she didn't email me when she was busy so I was not going to either.  Back came the reply that if I was too busy she understood, but she enjoyed my emails, they were her daily connection to me and how she started her day.

I was very annoyed as she doesn't start her day with them several times a week, but I set my alarm and got up early to email her before my day again.  5 days later I get an email her boyfriend is having company so I may not hear from her for several days, unless she happens to get to her apartment.  GRRRRRR.  I really lost it this time.  This is ridiculous.  Why do I get whining and complaining if I don't write at the crack of dawn, but she can't drive 15 minutes and email me once a day....

So I blasted back and email telling her this was what I was talking about.  She cannot be bothered to email me when she is busy and you get what you give so I will from now on only email her if she emails me first so if she wants emails she has to send them.

I still feel justified in what I am doing, but sick and guilty over "being mean".  Now I am suffering serious anxiety waiting for her to email me back, which may not be for several days.  Why do I do this to myself.  The therapist even asked me why I would feel guilty in taking care of my needs, but I do.  I always feel like a bad person if I don't do what everyone else wants even if I don't want to and so anxious about how they will react I make myself sick.