All we can do is to forgive ourselves and know you did your best to make mends. I think its easy to include feelings of guilt or blame when struggling in relationships. Perhaps things will change in time. Give yourself some closure in your own acceptance. You're a good person.

The person shutting the door on forgiveness is actually hurting themself more than you. The inability to forgive is just carrying a wound and letting it fester.

I agree about forgiving yourself. That is within your control. How other people work through stuff is theirs to deal with.

I have done everything I could to repair the damage, that’s why it’s so hard because I know there is nothing else I could do. But at the same time it makes me angry and I don’t want or need their forgiveness. And then of course my anxiety goes up and I end by obsessing over it. But I am trying to let goof things that are out of my control, it just hurts when I try so hard and get no where.

this season i'm giving it go to separate, "forgiveness" and "amends." for example, i was not the best mother in the local PTA. currently, my eldest son is nearly 42 and abusive. he was last known to be living on the streets. "forgiveness" is a trigger word for his abusive fits. the closest he can come to working through the places where my mental illness collided with his childhood is to, "give me what i deserve."

i've been working on forgiving myself for those collisions and praying for the opportunity to make amends. i'm pretty sure that letting him give me a bloody nose does not qualify as making amends. that only continues the family dysfunction cycle.

sigh. . . it's okay if that didn't make a lick of sense to you. i'm not sure it makes sense to me, either. prayers in progress. . . just praying. . .

Hugs Starlight! Hugs Arfie!

Arfie, I think you are right about separating amends from forgiveness.

In my own personal example, my dad was not a good guy, for so many reasons not worth mentioning. I eventually forgave him for everything he did and didn’t do. All of it. But, I didn’t want to have a relationship with him despite my forgiveness because he was so incredibly toxic. And there really was no self awareness on his part at all. So for me, forgiveness didn’t equate to the relationship beginning again. So many things needed to happen in order to repair the relationship itself, despite forgiveness.

The forgiveness just meant I could breath again, unclench my fists so to speak, and find some freakin’ peace of mind.

Thank you everyone for your words! I was raised with 2 other siblings and for some reason I was the “targeted” child, I’ll still working through what all that means, I ended being in an abusive marriage which then I had to deal with my mom and ex husband emotionally abusing me. Long story short my kids are in the middle and they are choosing that I’m crazy, and the worst mom. They show no love towards me and have not talked to me since June. My mental illness has been used in the worst ways against me. It’s hard for me to think I deserve forgiveness when my kids don’t think I do. But I am reading what everyone is writing and it is so helpful. Thank you all for taking time out of your day to give me a helping hand!

For me, learning to 'forgive' meant letting my feelings be valid and true as they came to me. Forgiving myself gave me freedom to move with the memories as I made different choices to control my change myself.

As Arfie mentions, 'amends" is not the same as 'forgive' and it takes a courage to put your well-being first in those moments.

As Star mentions, "targeted" means your awareness of the treatment is known. What happens when you finally break loose of being the 'bullseye target' is that it gets worse before it improves.

Everyone always remember how you make them feel, not always what was said.

I am learning how to move through the 'targeted' moments even as I continue to heal from the 'targeted' memories.

Star, the ways you have shared here happen so often in group situations, that you're giving yourself the gift of 'forgiveness' for your well-being is showing a lot more strength than you realize!

Your children will learn as they move through the situation on their own perspective. When we change our response for the well-being first and we keep calm and composed no matter what words and actions are being thrown at us, eventually it changes. Sometimes, a lot worse before it improves.

Middle school age- those are tough ages
so that probably doesn’t help.

It just may take time. I mean their brains aren’t even fully developed yet. They have a lot of emotional and mental growth ahead of them.

Keep your head held high!

Thank you embarrass! I will try and stay positive. My children are adult age 18,20 and 24. Im learning how to live without my kids until they are ready, it’s just a hard place to be in. I pray everyday that they will come back.

I didt mean embarrassed… I’m sorry rmb

Haha! That’s ok. And I apologize; I misread your post about the kids being in the middle. It’s my old-ass eyes, haha!

My husband and his kids were estranged for almost 11 years. It started when they were in high school. Lot of crap went down when they were young teenagers and their mom was a bit of a wedge and he had no idea how to deal with it. He was so angry. So he didn’t handle things very well which lead to complete estrangement. He tried reaching out over the years trying to make it right and they just shut him down. They were hurt. Then last month his oldest daughter texted him out of the blue and wanted to connect. She’s 25. It was a beautiful reunion. I asked her what prompted her to reach out and she said she just realized how much she had grown over the years and assumed her dad had too. She is married and pregnant now so I think that had a lot to do with feeling it was time. His younger daughter is 23 and she’s not ready to reconnect. My husband’s hope is that if things keep going in a positive direct with his oldest that it will open the door for connection with the youngest. For now he’s taking it day by day.

Anything can happen with time and growth. Anything is possible. Big hug!

@starlight43,

Sorry that your forgiveness has not been reflected back to you. Unfortunately, we can't control other people, we can only control how we react to other people. Of course, I've found that it is very difficult for me to control how I feel about others.

You certainly have reasons to be upset. I can't imagine the emotional trauma you've been through. Please continue to process your feelings with people you trust. My hope is that over time, your anxiety will be begin to wane, and maybe the people in your life will see a different side of things.

Thank you stlake. Your kindness is refreshing! It’s a heartbreak I could never put into words. What keeps me going is hope and knowing I’m not the person I’m being portrayed to be. Everyday I try to be better than the day before, it’s all I can do. Easier said then done… lol. I keep myself busy by baking and just being thankful for what I do have. Not always easy and can be lonely. But I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Finding out about this group has been really good for me! Thank you again for your support!