Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Or I think they are. I never know if it’s just me who’s odd & doesn’t understand the world.
Someone obscure came back into my life & it flattered & threw me.
i have to add that this was thru fb & I have no trust for “ relationships “online. People can sound good online but sometimes that’s where it ends
We live states apart & he immediately began to profess his total admiration of me
he’s a good looking man with an amazing career but relocates a lot w his work & “ makes no plans”
but the adoration was so sincere & I was swept off my feet as my own husband( that I remarried for security & bc I cannot be alone)so I would never consider leaving my husband again tho he disregards me & blows me off all the time. We fight a lot. We are sharing some stressful events & he chooses to check out.
so I’m talking all day & all night conversations which I know will fall ofF but disrupt my day & keep me up too late
too soon the man turned it into a sexual connection online. I had stated no phone sex but he managed to take me there. After the first 5 x how much more creative or closer can you get with a person online? A person you want to KNOW & what you really just want is a friend who cares for you.
But ive always taken what I could get & thrived on adoration bc I hate myself.
But it changed me. I started being upbeat & taking care of myself & choosing to be pretty & involvedin life. I started to teeter on a manic level. I asked someone if I was being manic & they said yes. I discussed all this w my therapist
something broke. I saw the way I was repeating past behavior & it was feeding my anxiety level. Today I unintentionally I swear took a Valium after my pm meds then an ambien bc I wanted to sleep & didn’t sleep bc I got too busy & then smoked a lot of pot. I had overdosed on downers & it was irresponsible
i did call this man on his behavior & told him how the relationship if that’s what it’s called was effecting me
i had just crawled out of the rabbit hole & I felt the depression seeping back in. The man was taken aback by my behavior & thought I “ wanted it too” I just wanted a friend is all. I retreated. Feel guilty for “ making waves” for not being the kind of woman anyone really wants & for wanting to be wanted
you don’t even know ME I told him & I don’t know YOU. You’re just some guy who kissed me & turned me down 40 years ago & never said a peep to me again. I will never be anyone’s sex toy again I told him. I’m learning self respect & this isn’t part of it
somehow it turned out to be MY problem( gaslighting I know but I didn’t expect it from him. It was just real confusion about what had happened) I sent this guy my worn panties at his request so he could sleep w them he said
something is just telling me this wonderful man is just a sick **** who can’t maintain a real relationship. I’m slipping back into sadness.
Iunderstand this is just my side of the story but what do you think?
i really don’t know why I feel so bad
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
On my strictly personal recovery road, "Self-Loathing" is a pivotal symptom. As long as I am hating on myself, everything else is severely affected by that single fact. The cascade effect is horrendous. There are not enough wordy romance or ideals in the world to cover up self-loathing in sustainable fashion. How depressing is that? Is it even more depressing that nobody can heal my self-loathing for me, no matter their level of devotion? Self-image is strictly an inside job.
But that is me. . .
Keep sorting, DD. Your own answers are in there. Continued support while you sort.
It sounds hollow even to my own ears.
So I’m having phone sex or text sex(.?) all the while not touching myself tho saying I am & rolling my eyes the whole time. What am i? A phone sex worker getting paid by the minute? Clearly this is not a fun recreational activity for me tho I’m good at pretending it is.
So who’s guilty here? Me for participating in the first place?
How exactly did I think this was going to turn out?
One of those therapy tools is "Awareness." I am not a horrible person for the crime of suffering illness. The symptoms need healing, not more violence. Another line from this thread that is near verbatim quote for my own symptoms is:
"It sounds hollow even to my own ears."
Inside my strictly personal awareness of this very day, I am listening for the echoes in that hollow. I doesn't know, but I does believe those echoes hold far more meaning than anything I will find on Wacky Wendy's Webcam. At least, that's my prayer and I'm sticking to it. One day at a time.
But again. . . That is me and I willnae be surprised if you didnae understand a word of ^it^. Just sharing strictly personals.
Continued support while you sort your own, DD.
I think most of us like some "new" attention, and it can be fun and exciting for sure.... if we are single and looking.
Think long and hard before agreeing to meet this man. He does seem pushy with making you do phone sex after you said you wouldn't, and making you mail him your worn panties. It could possibly be he is just playing around and does not want to meet in person ever. Something you should consider.
This kind of attention could bring utter chaos into your life and end your marriage. I encourage you to think very carefully before you take another step... a step that you won't ever be able to take back.
Do you have a therapist? That you could talk to about your feelings, your marriage?
I know this guy from college & meeting is certainly not feasible & it’s not going happen. What am I going to do. Ask my husband for his airline miles so I can go across the country & put myself in a position I cannot get out of?i so appreciate what you advised & I assure you I’m not going to meet him.
On my strictly personal trail of tears, I was being trained as a child prostitute long before I knew that Daddy's zipper wasn't the only "Candy Store" (Daddy's name for ^it^) on Main Street. From there, "Being a Good Girl" is an entirely different sliding scale from what they teach at Sunday School, even in the Church of Atheism.
*I* didn't ask for or plan any of ^it^, but I slid into the grown-up versions of that nurturing more naturally than a preacher's daughter slides into a virgin wedding night here in the Millennial Chaos. Not my choice, but here I am, doing the best I can on a warped foundation. Can I have a do over, starting with my birth family of choice?
Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.
Steadying support while you learn your *foreign* territory. May you discover great treasures as you learn through the changes.
Ojos al cielo
Eyes to Heaven
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwUYzw1UHik