Or I think they are. I never know if it’s just me who’s odd & doesn’t understand the world.
Someone obscure came back into my life & it flattered & threw me.
i have to add that this was thru fb & I have no trust for “ relationships “online. People can sound good online but sometimes that’s where it ends
We live states apart & he immediately began to profess his total admiration of me
he’s a good looking man with an amazing career but relocates a lot w his work & “ makes no plans”
but the adoration was so sincere & I was swept off my feet as my own husband( that I remarried for security & bc I cannot be alone)so I would never consider leaving my husband again tho he disregards me & blows me off all the time. We fight a lot. We are sharing some stressful events & he chooses to check out.
so I’m talking all day & all night conversations which I know will fall ofF but disrupt my day & keep me up too late
too soon the man turned it into a sexual connection online. I had stated no phone sex but he managed to take me there. After the first 5 x how much more creative or closer can you get with a person online? A person you want to KNOW & what you really just want is a friend who cares for you.
But ive always taken what I could get & thrived on adoration bc I hate myself.
But it changed me. I started being upbeat & taking care of myself & choosing to be pretty & involvedin life. I started to teeter on a manic level. I asked someone if I was being manic & they said yes. I discussed all this w my therapist
something broke. I saw the way I was repeating past behavior & it was feeding my anxiety level. Today I unintentionally I swear took a Valium after my pm meds then an ambien bc I wanted to sleep & didn’t sleep bc I got too busy & then smoked a lot of pot. I had overdosed on downers & it was irresponsible
i did call this man on his behavior & told him how the relationship if that’s what it’s called was effecting me
i had just crawled out of the rabbit hole & I felt the depression seeping back in. The man was taken aback by my behavior & thought I “ wanted it too” I just wanted a friend is all. I retreated. Feel guilty for “ making waves” for not being the kind of woman anyone really wants & for wanting to be wanted
you don’t even know ME I told him & I don’t know YOU. You’re just some guy who kissed me & turned me down 40 years ago & never said a peep to me again. I will never be anyone’s sex toy again I told him. I’m learning self respect & this isn’t part of it
somehow it turned out to be MY problem( gaslighting I know but I didn’t expect it from him. It was just real confusion about what had happened) I sent this guy my worn panties at his request so he could sleep w them he said
something is just telling me this wonderful man is just a sick **** who can’t maintain a real relationship. I’m slipping back into sadness.
Iunderstand this is just my side of the story but what do you think?
i really don’t know why I feel so bad
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