I am missing an old friend of mine.  She passed away almost 5 years ago.  We hadn't hung around for years but I kept up with her on Facebook.  Back in the 80s, when she had her apartment, I would go there and we would sit and have tea and talk about psychology.  I was able to get a lot of relief about my OCD in these tea sessions.  I can't say that I have had that since.  My current best friend had a boyfriend many years ago who had OCD, so she is somewhat good at understanding me.  We haven't had a good chat about me in probably years.  I have not had therapy for over a year.  I am now in dire need of therapy.  I have been crying a lot this morning.  I had a revelation yesterday, while at the gym.  I was listening to a video about Fear of Abandonment.  I don't remember any of the many therapists that I've had over the years mentioning this fear.  i am feeling somewhat dense.  Everything is coming to me from an event that happened to me in the late 70s.  This video struck a chord and I was transported back to the worst time of my life and I felt physically ill.  I've been kind of spiraling for a while.  I didn't realize just how angry I am.  I thought that I was happy.  I thought that being single worked for me.  I thought that I accepted that I am invisible to men.  I think the fact that I was going to my sister-in-law's family's Christmas Eve party, which my brother and I get invited to every year, somehow made me lame.  Alone again . . . for 30 years.  That's just not fair!  I've always said that if I went on the Dr. Phil show about being chronically single, he would blame me.  That hurts me to the core!  I drug my tired self out to bars for years and years and years looking for a boyfriend, I spent money on a dating service, I did the personals, I've jointed dating websites, all with the hope of meeting Mr. Right.  I now realize that I don't really have anything big to be happy about.  No husband or boyfriend, no children, no grandchildren, no beautiful house or car, no awesome vacations on a cruise or to an island with a lover.  No sex.  I'm screwed in every way.  I found out in 1992 that I have herpes (the good one) and in 1995 herpes (the bad one).  I had a  nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital psych ward for 4 days but i really needed to stay longer.  So back to my revelation, it appears that my fear of abandonment was so big, back in the late 70s, that my feelings for my boyfriend, who I was madly in love with, got turned off by fear and my goody two dhoes self couldn't live a  lie and I broke up with him, devastating him.  I went spiraling into another OCD episode and that went off in several tangents.  One of the worst ones was thinking that if I didn't like this boy, I must be a lesbian.  I remember telling this to my first therapist and crying so hard that she had to get me some water.  She begged me not to break up with my boyfriend but I needed relief from guilt.  I cried so hard every night over him but like a light switch, my feaer took over.  So I fought and fought to get my feelings back for him and we got back together but he punished me for the rest of our relationship.  Around November/beginning of December, I ordered about $500 worth of stuff from Kohl's and Temu.  I haven't touched most of it.  I think I was filling a void.  I actually was worried that I actually was having a manic episode, as I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder with bipolar.  But I don't think that's the case.  Yes, I get happy about sales and deals and discounts and doing good deeds and I try to stay positive.  I saw a meme about digging deep and now that i have, I realize that i am not so happy.  I am wondering if Dr. Phil would be right and I have somehow caused myself to be alone for 30 years.  I also am of the belief that everything happens exactly as it is supposed to happen.  Oh, back to the fear that I might be a lesbian, I checked and checked and checked to see if I was.  I even started to think I could be.  I am not.  People who are gay are born gay.  I had my real first boyfriend at 5 years old.  We played doctors and I was sexually aroused, although i didn't know it at the time.  I know that this is getting really long.  I was kind of avoiding my best friend because I didn't want to hear crap about her crappy boyfriend and she wrote to me yesterday asking if everything was okay.  I told her that I was upset because I didn't reach my NY Resolution goal of cleaning my house.  Her response was that I still had all week.  I thought, she doesn't even know me.  I am slipping tired all the time.  I cannot even think half the time.  I am so lonely.  i write to my sister-in-law sometimes in the morning and I am being selfsih because she hates texting because she's not good at spelling.  I am reaching out because i am so lonely.  I write about what i am up to and I ask what she is up to.  Most of the time, I get a reply of "mopping and changing sheets".  Then she says to have a nice day and she loves me.  i get nothing out of these texts.  A friend that i dropped used to do the same thing to me but oh, the long texts she used to write to me about her crap, with 100 mistakes throughout.  I repeat, I am lonely.  I haven't even gotten a phone call from my Aunt since December 2nd and she does not answer her phone because she hides it so no one will steal it.  Other than lonely, I am angry, frustrated, etc.  It's showing up in my car rides to work.  i sort of have conversations with people in my car or think of posts for DS.  When i am with my brother, he totally talks about his stuff 90% of the time.  I have come to the conclusion that i have had just a little bit too much time with him lately.  he keeps planning for us to go out to eat but I don't want to go.  i feel like his life depends on it.  He gets so excited about it.  I don't.  Then he says he had a good time.  Really?  Well, of course, you talked the whole time.  So I think that you will be in agreement with me, I need therapy!