Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Hi all, first time poster here. I am not sure if this is the correct forum for me to post this in so I apologize in advance if it isn't. I also apologize because this will be a very long post.
I started seeing a girl around 8-9 months ago, and she has anxiety and depression. Things started out great. We saw each other all the time, we were very affectionate towards each other and always had fun with each other. She told me early on that she was afraid of calling this a relationship because she didn't want to get hurt, but we still continued to see each other and have since said that we love each other.
In March, we saw each other for the last time in person (as of now). The night started off going well. We watched a movie we were both excited to see, talked about it afterwards and then moved things to the bedroom. Without going into too many details, things started to get physical until she wanted to stop. I made no objection, but was a bit concerned since it came out of nowhere. I asked her as she was leaving my apartment if everything was okay and she told me she felt weird. I tried not to push her into talking because by this point I've learned that doesn't help. We've continued to talk via phone and text on a daily basis since then (although less frequently throughout the day). She has told me she misses me and loves me but anytime I ask her if she wants to do something together she says no.
She started taking anxiety medication within the last few months and has started going to therapy even more recently. After her first session, she called me and told me some of the things that were discussed (very broad, not many details), so I took that as a sign that she still trusts me. She also called me late one night last week and broke down crying, and while my heart breaks for her I still take this as a sign that she trusts me and still had feelings for me, even though she hasn't said "I love you" in a couple of weeks now. I mean, she could have called anyone (or no one) but chose to call me, so that has to mean something right?
I guess the purpose of my post is to ask for some insight or advice from either someone who has a partner that struggles with anxiety and depression, or the person struggling with it themself. I love her, but I know she has a past of bad relationships and other traumas that's caused her to believe she isn't deserving of love so I don't know if she is trying to pull away out of fear or something else. I have told her many times that I am dedicated to her and that my love isn't contingent on her being in a certain mood or mindsight and that I love her no matter what, in good times and bad. I just don't want to push her away. Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I come from the place of having severe anxiety with a husband who is my rock of ages. For me, the trust to reach out speaks louder than any 3 words in the human vocabulary can speak. Alas, that much power can also scares the fucking shit on me on the high anxiety days. The trust issues can turn me into a shrieking demon, no matter what my rational mind **knows** about the person I am shrieking at.
Perhaps far more important than his ability to listen with his mouth shut while I am able to open up and trust freely is my hubby's wisdom in backing off and staying out of harm's way on my high anxiety days. In addition to protecting himself, he gives me room to sort through the issues I need to work on my own and saves me the post-psychosis guilt of having hurt a precious soul who doesn't deserve the hurt.
Easy does it, Movie Guy. Slower is better when dealing with anxiety psychosis, whether it is currently active or lurking in the shadows. Another way my hubby helps me tremendously is slowing me down when appropriate. My anxiety can also make me a bit of a speed freak at times and a frozen stubborn mule on other days.
You are very noble gentleman for not giving up on your dream of being with the one you love. The advice I could share would be to be patient if you can be, supportive if you really truly want a relationship with her. Also, learn as much as you can about her condition, but don't bring up the subject or try to "fix" her. I believe that letting her know that you are learning about the illness will go a long way. Seek to understand, that way you can ask her how you can support her that will help her.
For me I have trauma based anxieties and certain words, actions such as: yelling, someone walking aggressively towards me, touching me like a hug, cars cutting me off or loud noises: gunshots, fireworks, shootings on tv or knife fights in movies. They all trigger me and if I can’t control my anxiety I shut down or go into a state called disassociation (fancy word for my own little world) then there’s nothing to bring me out til I am ready which can be minutes or hours) and I can turn violent if disturbed because I think I am being attacked. So I ask others to back off and let me come out on my terms so as not to hurt them or myself. I often will have no memory of what happened during the time I am in disassociation.
Not everyone who suffers anxiety has disassociation. So there is a lot to be aware of when supporting someone with an anxiety disorder, I wish you the best and hope things workout for you.
I think it's great that she is getting professional help, and so it would also be great if you could be patient during this process. Because a lot of things from her past could be brought up in her therapy that she needs time to process and deal with, in her own way.
Let her know you are there for her, that you are thinking of her, ask if there's anything that she needs, etc. But don't push it if she says "Don't need anything right now". This is not personal against you at all. She is working on her own stuff, which is good for her to do.
I wouldn't compare how it was in the beginning of the relationship to how it is now. I know you are looking for key words or phrases she used to say, but that might not happen now, but it doesn't mean she loves you any less.
I would suggest having your own stuff to do, such as friends, work, school, hobbies, etc. Things are a little different with you guys now, but that doesn't mean they won't go back to being more like how it was. Be patient.
You are doing the right thing in learning more and writing it out. One important thing to remember is that you are responsible for what you say, do, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, react and respond.
When you change your response to fit your better balance, it does not always change their response for the better. However, you keep making changes and eventually it improves.
Significantly, what Lavender mentions makes a lot of sense in that it brought a previous memory of "anxiety" to the surface, and that is difficult to brush off easily without knowing how to stop, pause, breathe, and find calm before responding.
One thing about the distance, therapy, and changes, they are all happening in the moment, so it brings a lot of things together all at once.
Understanding, accepting, and being aware that you have a better perspective from learning more and being able to process the changes in a positive way are a great way to move forward.
Best wishes as you find your better balance and continue with patience.