Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Not that I need anyone to respond to any of this, but this is simply me releasing all the garbage that I hold onto. I went for another appointment today and my therapist dug a bit deeper to discover that everything I do is because I am afraid. I never really thought of it like that and since it was made apparent its now significantly more obvious. I act the way I do because I am afraid of what could happen. Essentially, I am just so strung on that fact that the sky is falling, and I hold it upon myself to fix it all. For a real-life example, I really care about the health and welfare of my students (who are adults but still very impressionable in the military) because I know what it feels like to be alone and fighting everyday to breathe. As a result, I get really defensive and almost spring into attack mode when something or someone hinders the mental and physical wellbeing of one of my students. Tangent: if you think this sort of behavior is unprofessional in a workplace then you do not understand the military perspective and I’d love to explain it a bit more. I go above and beyond everyone knows they’re important because there are so many people in the military who come from broken background. I was never enough growing up so when someone tells me that I am doing more than enough to help everyone else I really do not know what that means. Everything that I do and the very person that I am is being I am afraid.
I find myself attracted to and falling for a girl, but I know that I have never had any major progress in relationships, and I truly do not know why. I concluded that its because I am too needy, and most people cannot give as much as I need so I naturally stray away from them. I have justified in my head that its much easier to simply stop needing than to find someone who can help me. I am just trained to believe that she cannot help me because I’m always the one to get hurt and because I am too far broken. My fear isn’t like a skittish but more so like a boulder. I am hard not because I am strong but because I am compensated for everything. I heard this line from a spoken word poet in response to her mom, “Mom, I am not afraid to die, I am afraid to live,” and I immediately understood what she meant because that’s how I feel every day. I really like this girl and maybe she does think of me and would like to move further together but I don’t care to ask because a very stupid part of me knows what she’ll say because its what everyone before her has already said.
If you read all of this than thanks for reading about my bitches and moans, and I hope you’re thriving enough for the both of us.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
verbal vomiting allowed, falcon. hope you don't mind if i add some more verbal vomit to yours. when i'm done, i'll carry the vomit pots out to my compost pile and turn it into beneficial plant fertilizer.
my modus operandi is to hide my fears behind bravado and daring do. suck it up and keep going. . . don't look back to review the collateral damage i've left in my wake. just keep going and damn the consequences. relationships? my relationship with a ham sandwich is equal to my relationship with a potential romantic partner. maybe. i take the sandwich with me when i go.
after decades of psychotherapy this reflex is still with me, but i've gotten much better at spotting when my daring do is based on fear and admitting that i have the intelligence of a cannon ball when i am reacting out of fear. i feel better about myself when i can turn around and make amends for that collateral damage.
! ! !basta ya! ! !
i'm off to the compost pile.
my compost pile is real, by the way. i especially love the meditative qualities of turning my compost during election season and family feuds.
Any saying that gives you the way through the fear, however it works, is worth the time it takes to find it.
I know what you mean about helping the military fit for the individual. It makes the entire unit much better, much stronger, more stable, and provides each individual with a sense of purpose larger than themselves. Excellent!
Here's to finding what works for you.