I vote for opening it.

I think you'll have to open it eventually.

You do NOT have to respond back to her text right away, or ever. Take all the time you need to process what the text says first.

You have complete control over this situation. You are strong. You are in charge.

We're here for you!

I always feel like I’m doing something wrong because I’m the mom, but I can’t take the back forth with playing with my feelings. I guess at the root of it all is I'm scared… I'm scared of what it might say… whether it’s her putting me down or bringing up the past.. or if by chance she is going to apologize for her actions these last few months I’m not sure I could believe her. Thank you so much for reassuring me it’s ok not to respond…. At this moment I don’t feel I need to jump into a text I’m still stunned she texted me. Thank you girl for your support… much needed.

Not opening that text will most likely cause you a non stop rollercoaster of emotions. Is this about your mental well being or fighting to establish boundaries?

I know it's not the same but I've been estranged from my two siblings for over ten years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them and would love a text.

It's an opportunity until someone has given up all hope.

I feel I need to set boundaries for my mental health. The not opening it is the fear in me my thoughts telling me I can’t handle it.

Thank you winter for your help. A week ago I wouldn’t even be talking about it if I didn’t have this group. I’m very thankful…

gentle empathy, starlight. my darling cherub is currently 41 years old and as abusive as middle aged children get. last known, he was living on the streets and even his most devoted childhood friends had abandoned him. at present, his only contact is emails sent from a public library. it is a relief that he can no longer launch text attacks since his daddy quit buying him new cell phones and paying for his cell service.

personally, i open those communiques for the sake of better defining the anxieties attached. i respond with as few words as possible for the sake of holding on to my hopes for amends. "prayers ongoing. . ." is my most used response for the blame/self-pity texts.

wish i had easy answers for both of us, star. as it is. . .

rocking you gently and crying with you. . .

Thank you arfie… I opened the text and it was very manipulative. Hurtful.

I just don’t know where to go from here…

It hurts so bad….

I know it was hurtful but I think opening the text showed a lot of strength. Good on you!

Just my thoughts… you can choose to ignore it. That is a kind of boundary. Or you can also see it as an opportunity to set clear defined boundaries with her that let her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Like you can tell her in a controlled calm way, if she wants to have a conversation with you, you are open to it, but not by text. And then lay out the ground rules for conversing, that you set for each of you (no belligerent attacks, no name calling, etc). She may not agree but at least you are setting the tone for how you expect to be treated.

She has a right to her feelings. And she may be really hurt and angry, even if it doesn’t feel valid, but she doesn’t have the right to expect you to just take being kicked around.

I get you may not be in the place to approach it this way but just tuck it in the back of your mind as another option.

Thank you rmb it means a lot.

prayer gives me something to do when there is nothing i can do.

prayers ongoing. . .
plying therapy tools. . .
hope healing happens here.

starlight43, I think opening the text was the right thing to do. Sometimes, the anticipation of something is worse than the actual thing. Congrats on being strong.

Sorry about your daughter. As arfie wrote, a short text that is nice and where you don't escalate is a good choice. Writing in a way that diffuses the discussion is best. As you know, arguing will just escalate--she seems like she's looking for a fight.

Stlake… thank you for being here for me. It’s been a difficult situation for years… now that they are young adults the disrespect they show me is heart wrenching. And I just don’t feel like entertaining that behavior. It just leaves me feeling worthless.

One of the best gifts of being able to read the messages, texts, and posts shared here is that you know you're not alone in taking the step back, stop, pause, breathe, repeat until clear headed and calm.

Evidence of the words shared by someone who is being mean, manipulative, and your strength in opening the message to verify in a quiet and peaceful way, allow you to confirm your feelings are valid, are real, and that you are able to control the message you respond for your well being first.

You are doing what works for you. By coming here first, and sharing the dilemma, it became a task rather than a 'fix it problem' that is not yours to handle.

Handling the task allowed you to experience the full range of your feelings and acknowledge the hurt in a private and positive way.

You are valuable, you are strong, you are taking care of you!

I had to learn to remove my feelings in dealing with texts and words spoken with my mother as she grows older and fragile and is less able to do for herself even as she fights the loss of independence. I do what I can, within my personal limits. When she's being mean, manipulative, and attempting to control the situation to her motivation, I take the step back, figure out the evidence in the words shared, and move on from that point.

Here's to you succeeding in taking care of business and giving yourself peace of mind.

Thank you for your encouragement mid. Even though I had an emotional draining day I didt have a complete meltdown, It truly made a difference knowing I had you guys to turn to. Thank you so much for all the support you have shown me. So grateful!

Just open it. It must be good new or something. Try to relax. Maybe she just say merry Christmas to you.

Another way to look at this is even though the text was, as you wrote, manipulative, the fact that she texted at all, shows that she does still care.

When we feel hurt by someone, it means we still care what they think. If she didn't care about you anymore, she wouldn't have texted anything.

I don't know the whole story, or what happened with you two, but she needed to get her feelings out, and obviously she is hurt about something.