I don’t know where to start...

ive been thinking about suicide again. I have not told anyone. I have no plans to do it. I fantasize about an end to pain  I think about what it would do to my 80 year old mother and my boyfriend and his daughter.  I know my mom would be devastated. She is the only person who has not turned their back on me.  I feel like she is the only person in the world that loves me. Boyfriend says he loves me but I don’t think I believe him. Boy do I sound the victim or what?

Do you ever get that feeling like someone is sitting on your chest? And it aches? It’s 3:30 am and I’m laying flat on my back in bed and my heart is beating like I’ve run a marathon. My mouth is dry. 

The situation at hand is that we are moving out of a house we just got to a little over a year ago. His daughter has not done well socially in the high school. She is isolated. She hasn’t connected with anyone. She’s not involved in anything. She has developed an eating disorder. We are moving back to their farm to get her closer to their support group of friends.

This affects me in this way. I will go from driving 20 minutes one way to driving an hour one way. I’m already to tired to do anything when I get home. Not to mention the added expense of the fuel.

The house at the farm is a hundred years old and when I noticed holes (holes you can stick your head through) in the roof panic set in. There’s no time and no money and no motivation to get it fixed. He says he’ll fix it once he’s living there but I’ve seem how things like that just get pushed to the side. It took him three months to repair our roommates car because he just let it drag out. I don’t feel safe in a house in that condition. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to get some cosmetic things in side done to make it feel more liveable. I’ve patched drywall and painted a bedroom. Pulled down 100 year old wallpaoer in another room. Stained and finished the floors in the kitchen. I’m still in the process of painting the kitchen cabinets. Yet there is a failing roof and all the time and money I’ve spent could  be for naught.

the two car garage is chuck full of stuff. And the garage at the farm is chuck full of stuff. There is nowhere to put the stuff we’re bringing. I’ve found a place my my stuff.  I was going to rent a storage unit but his mother offered her storage barn for free.  I honestly don’t want it commingled because I’ll never be able to find it again. It’ll be tossed in a pile. 

Thr state of his belongings are in a pile and shoved in voids on his side of the bed. I could not walk through there to make the bed tonight. 

He decided to help his friend move to nearly the  entirely way across the United States. He drive the big truck towing a car while his friend drove his own truck towing a boat. Gone 8 days to do this. The month we are moving. I’m the only one  who has packed or moved anything at all.

The landlord wants to show the house tomorrow and it looks like a bomb went off in here. I started moving things in closets but his side in the bed is a wreck.  Words just can’t describe how it is. I don’t know how he ever finds anything. He buys something on amazon and it end up in the vortex. Doesn’t even come out of the package. Anyway I’m overwhelmed. I was going to move my books and yarn and wool to the barn and his moms tomorrow but now the landlord is coming and I can’t do it. It will take me all day to get my stuff out of that garage. 

There’s nobody here to help me and I freaked out because he signed up to drive this truck cross country for his friend less that two weeks before we move. They plannerd a three day backpacking trip three days after the moving truck comes   He is doing a mountain bike race for days after they return from this road trip.  This weekend and the next two are full. When will we move?  We’re going to be moving stuff that we need to get rid of. He said he’d get rid of some T-shirt’s but he hasn’t. 

Emotionally his light is out except as it exists for his daughter. I’m glad he is so devoted to her. My dad and I were tight like tgat. But when it comes to me the little got clicks of.

He’s not affectionate and has no interest in sex. He has not touched me that way in over a year at least. We talk about and he says hell try more but it never happens. He gets in bede and reads on his phone. 

So I feel let down that they planned all this stuff the months we move. Our whole household is a wreck. I have 19 chickens to move and I have to preoare the new coop for them. I have to pack. I have to make sure my stuff doesn’t get lost. Oh and there one full bath for four people. Did I meeting I’ll be driving two hours s day. I don’t know why I’m doin this.