Hello,I'm new here and I wanted to to share my story.

Always in my life I felt isolated, unlike ordinary people, suffering bullying at school, and being quite repressed by my mother,

which barred me a lot, and to this day (I'm 26 years old) I'm locked in, being very afraid of facing her.

Since I was fifteen I realized that my shyness was excessive, I was afraid to go to parties, that anybody, especially boys, would

come and talk to me, even if I wanted to do it with more than anything. When I talked to my mother that I needed a psychologist,

she again barred me saying "you are not crazy, and you are extremely shy, learn to deal with it"

I was an isolated girl, every day more closed, with few friends, which when I could make a friendship, it was usually for some interest

of them (I was the “nerd” of the class, and did everything to please the people) and whenever I needed them, I realized they were gone. 

I began to find myself an not normal and strange person.

I hated myself, and even today, I still have days that I hate myself with all my strength and I want to die.

I created a character, but it was exhausting, and of course it did not bear anything. I was forced to be who I wasnt to be accepted. I went

 to parties and got in panic, crying, and paralyzed. I just felt safe with two people, my best friend and my boyfriend. At the same time I felt

 a burden to them, because I followed them like a ghost wherever we were together.

The relationship with my mother got worse, she became more demanding and began to suffocate me even more, for example telling me

 who the people I should be, influencing me what college to follow, where to go and etc. She never forced me into anything, but I knew there

 would be consequences if I did not follow what she wanted, like screams, ugly faces, indirects.

She never supported me, only knew how to charge and demand. Despite knowing that she loves me, has never shown this

This whole picture helped in the development of anxiety disorder, social phobia and affective dependence, which was finally diagnosed at the

 earlier this year, after the beginning of psychological monitoring, which I ended up looking even with great resistance from my mother after 

my Boyfriend of years,  tell me that he is a transgender, which eventually got me off the rails once and for all. I needed help.

I still feel extremely lonely, lost, a freak. I need friends, but my thinking is always the worst possible, making me isolate myself more each day.

I’m always thinking what I’m doing here, since I’m not good for anything. As for my boyfriend, I do not know what to do about him, because I

 do not want to lose something that was so difficult to conquer, and I do not think I'll find another. I know he's been extremely selfish, just

 thinking about himself, but I leave it because I do not want to miss it.

People think all this bullshit, nobody understands me, or knows how much I feel broken and useless. Therapy is helping, but it had to put it all out.

 I have to feel that there are people like me