Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Today is my first day on here. So I am sharing my story (not sure if that is what I am supposed to be doing or not) I am and have been struggling with anxiety, depression and stress. I cannot seem to get caught up and have this overwhelming feeling of never being good enough for anyone. My family is great but there are high demands they put on me without realizing they are doing it. I grew up under the 'catholic guilt' and boy has that trickled into my everyday thinking. I feel guilty if I don't do ____ or ____ or whatever. I feel guilty when I do ____ or ____ or whatever. As I morph and my kids become older, I really work toward not placing guilt messages on them and allowing them to take control through weighing their own actions and consequences. I know this is how it should work but when it comes to me, I cannot follow my own advice.
On top of that, I love being a mom and wife but sometimes I just want to scream "BACK OFF" or "LEAVE ME ALONE". When the kids were little, being mom was like being this hero they looked up to. Now it seems like just a task and a person that feeds them, runs them around, etc. I barely get to see / talk to them anymore. They are involved in a lot of sports and clubs and are straight A students, so they are good kids. The problem is that I am the one that gets snipped at or their involvement in things places more stress on me. If I forget something or can't do something, the response from them triggers that inner-guilt. My husband sees this and wants to help but doesn't get it so often times he is always suggesting what I should do differently. This inturn just builds up my anxiety and frustration on the matter.
Work is a whole other layer to my anxiety. People often tell me that I have to learn to say no. I try but apparently I am not good at that either. Work knows how to push my buttons and they do. Compentency is a HUGE curse for me. Seriously, just because I am the only qualified person, doesn't mean it is all my responsibility. It was their choice to hire others that cannot do this work and are not certified and trained to do it. Why does that double my caseload? If I share my feelings, even in a professional manner, I get talked to about being 'emotional' and 'I thought you wanted to be a team player'. I do.... but the team shouldn't consist of just me! All of us, even these new hires without training make the same wage. Sigh.
I just feel lost and struggle with finding this balance of who I am and what my purpose is in life. I start off with good intentions every morning. I am journaling, reading affirmations, going to my plans and reminding myself of them but at the end of the day I am a wreck. Then I sit, have a glass of wine, and cry. I don't know how to move forward anymore.
Anyone else in a similar place?
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I have toys. So the ones I have not used or need any more, are gone in the trash. One of my toys is just a regular hand held massager with an attachment. The other is a real insertable toy. This morning I ordered a new toy with attachments. It is small and has a brush like attachment and the other looks like a rose with a tiny tongue. I'll get it in about 2 weeks. Rechargable and...
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This past week there was both Cow Appreciation Day and National I Love Horses Day so naturally... Hope you made some moo-neigh this weekend!
Take care.
[edit: I've just re-read this and I have been extremely bossy. :p Blame me for being a mother - too late to change it or I'll be late for work! My kids are 22 and 20, doing their own thing, left home. They are good to their mother.]
You need a plan, but you also need to retrain yourself. this will be outstandingly uncomfortable. For instance, when you do something your kids tell you off for, you are going to have to ride the anxiety reaction, refuse to let it take over, and you are going to have to tell them to be grateful to you for all the things you DO do.
You need a philosophical shift in viewpoint. It's no good raising kids who end up high fliers, rich, successful - but can't keep a marriage because the're assholes. They have to learn morality as well as maths.
What's an old saying of my mother's? I only use it on my daughter because she's hyper-intelligent... 'be a dear sweet maid, and let who will be clever.' Now I know that sets feminism back about 250 yrs, but it has validity. It's all very well for your children to use their brains on you - but where are their hearts? You are going to get chewed up and spat out if you don't realise that part of being mother is teaching your children how to treat other people: and that includes you. You are doing them no long-term favours by being a doormat, and you are modelling the parenting they will use on their children (which as we know will leave them miserable).
You are the mother. You are queen of the house, not cinderella. But if you dress yourself in rags and sleep at the hearth guess what they're going to call you.
You need to stand up at home. It's not about catholic guilt. It's about long-term foresight.
So here's my recipe for you.
1. A month holiday for you. Got a sister who lives 1,000km away? Go. Let your husband and children get along without you. This is EXTREMELY important. They have no sense of your value because you have always been there. Also it's long enough that your workmates will actually have to do some work.
2. Your first two weeks of the holiday will just disappear, they are the survival, retrieval weeks. This is how long it's going to take you to wind down and finally get some mental space and a few ideas going. You can't rush it, it's organic. Go exploring caves or climbing mountains or lazing on the beach - it doesn't matter what but don't do anything but rest and recharge.
3. Your last couple of weeks should be spent thinking about what the perfect life is, and what strategies you can implement to get it.
This is you time. This is think time. This is removal from all stimuli in your life - retrieval, regeneration, regrouping, reviewing, and strategising for repair.
You're a car running on empty. Do something before you seize. :D
Thank you both for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it and it really helps to have someone to talk to and not feel so alone. I'll continue to work on me but boy it's really hard.
Getting caught up a bit finally
Worried all the time about everything
Nothing helps much
Take that month's holiday. You need a rest from your own analysis.
you need space away from all these thoughts and a dose of a new flavour of life.
There is no substitute for this. Stop rationalising, stop overthinking, stop feeling. Just change your location for a month and see what new emotional and mental spaces you find yourself inhabiting at the end.
Life is an apprenticeship. There's no tertiary education for it, but only hard practical experience.
a month in a forest. Or by the beach. Getting out of your own head. :D