P.S. my Aunt is bedridden.

P.S.S. I further realized that she tried to manipulate me again today, saying that people are asking why she isn't getting company. I go every week, and my brother comes too when it's not beach season. At the very least, she exaggerated, which pisses me off. I am heading in the other direction today now.

GreenEyes. My mother actually did this sort of stuff when she was in nursing home. SHe would be in and out. And in hospital etc.
i am one of four siblings. We all actually did our best to get to see her. She generally had someone visit every single day. And she would tell other relatives on the phone that she doesn't have company etc. We would definitely get the guilt trip.
You can only do as much as you can. And as much that it doesn't drive you crazy. You have her best interests at heart. And as you said, she has children.
Feel good about what you do. This situation sounds familiar for sure!

Thanks Marian! You get the gist! She ruined my day for sure. I am at the gym and just had a massage, for starters. Did your Mom have dementia?

No. My mom did not have dementia. She had too many illnesses to count through the years. In the latter years before she passed , she was truly in hospital or nursing home. And then we had a full time person to stay with her at her house.
She died at 91. But even with 4 of us, it was a lot to handle.
And I hope your day gets better for sure.

Being a caretaker within a family is certainly full of difficulties, but you have the heart to do it well. You are doing it well! Despite the craziness and built-in frustrations, you are continuing to be a regular and reliable presence and comfort provider. It is a beautiful thing (that may not look so beautiful every day with boots on the ground) that most/many family members are visiting regularly and providing visits for your aunt most days of the week, trying to be supportive and of comfort to your Aunt.

I believe I understand that you in your job see to the needs of children or young adults in public schooling, and help set and lift the mood for their days. I bet that you do the same task with your aunt, giving her clear limits or following your own limits when she is least functional and most manipulative. For many years I did similar caretaking for my family, and advice from other's came generously, and most days I did a good and loving job, but some days I did just need another adult to let me privately put words to the craziness and frustration (this is "Venting"?) and some days I was exhausted to the point that help thinking through problem solving strategies was most helpful.

I don't know the relationship you have with your Aunt's children, but do you think they might help a bit with gas money if you let them know that your finances only stretch to a certain number of visits a month, and you hope to check in with her consistently.?

Bless you. You are a generous soul. I took care of my parents many years in their decline, and had rarely a day without some new reason to pull at my remaining hair in some new variation of the ongoing drama. Breathe, hydrate, pray/meditate, exercise in moderation, write, sing, collect smiles from your young people, sleep, and repeat. I have faith that you will continue to bless your Aunt even at her most difficult, and you will catch the reflection of that grace you give.

Hugs! Liam

hope the venting helped, greeneyes.
yay you for knowing your limit and standing up for yourself.

Thanks everyone! You are all very gracious! Yes, Liam, I love working with children. I am anxious to see what the new schedule will be for me.

People who have mental illness or personality disorders in their growing up and adult lives will bring that into their older age. So they are in a nursing home and unhappy, or imagine things like X stole their purse, or they had no visitors. This is very difficult and please feel free to vent.

I think strong boundaries and sticking to them are needed for your own emotional wellness. Which I heard when you wrote about Tuesdays. Good for you. I compliment. you. And you didn't pick up the phone to get more verbal and emotional abuse from her. Again, be proud of yourself.

You can fix her or change her. You can save yourself though.

I do the Serenity Prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

With some people, we can't make them happy. We can accept that we can't make them happy.

My MIL did have dementia like behaviors but it was the kind where alcoholism earlier in life did a number on her brain. It is considered a brain disorder rather than a dementia. She had periods of being nice and then regular wild, crazy, ranting and raving. It took morphine to shut her down. She would be talking crazy, demanding something that was illogical or not real. It was very hard on everyone. Even me who used to work with older adults and knows a lot about brain health disorders.

A book that really helped me is this one:
"Loving Hard to Love Parents" by Chafez
Even though is say parents, it is about how to deal with illogical or demented older adults. How to deal with the craziness that comes at times. An example in the book is a man in a nursing home who is demanding his car and to drive out of there and go home. The book gives tips for not arguing, not getting upset, but responding in a way that redirects the person. So the suggestion was to say the car is still in the shop, a part is on order, maybe next week. To realize the older adult will not remember this discussion and it will all go away. So "lying" isn't lying but redirecting their behavior.

To save our sanity. Because this illogical stuff will make us stressed out and jumping through hoops. it is okay, GreenEyes727 to save yourself. We can both save ourselves and be kind to our older adult loved one who has a brain health disorder.

Thanks a bunch hasty! That book sounds interesting. Sometimes, I have a lovely visit with her and I enjoy that but I hated her Monday and Tuesday for being manipulative and I didn't want to see her. She used to call me up years ago and tell me that she needed to talk to me. Her famous words were "very important". I think the end result was that she just wanted company. Pissed me off! I do not manipulate people. I never try to get someone who has said "no" to say "yes". I respect their choice. I could probably write a book about my Aunt. She has pissed me off more times than I can count. She loves being the victim. She never wanted to hear any type of resolution to what she was telling me. Oh, the stories!