You have to get out more. Get your own friends. Support groups. Exercise groups. Join library. Church. Hobbies. Find yourself.

I just found out that my 23 year old daughter is smoking cigarettes. I've preached about health her whole life so now I'm devastated, and also because she said she would cut me out of her life if I couldn't accept it. I get your frustration for trying to be a good parent and feeling pushed aside. Like Cuban said, maybe we should try to focus on us and let them be. So hard to do tho.

Boys don't really approach their mums. Wait till they have kids.

Or go stay. visit them. You will have to make all the movements for years. Don't screw yourself up about it, don't sweat it. It's a boy thing.

Very hard to let it all go when you’ve raised them and been involved in everything. As to just showing up at their home, they’ve made it clear they are busy. Texts yesterday between oldest son revealed I am blamed for everything that made him uncomfortable after our divorce even though his Dad was the one telling them lies about me. It’s just too much.

Stop. Pause. Take a step back. You will need to practice "in the moment" in processing this.
You pay their telephone bill. Are they capable of paying their own telephone bill? If they are, then inform them they are going to be responsible for their telephone bill.
You will have to make your own way to finding a balance with activities that you enjoy, people who you are able to converse with "in the moment".
In family situations of divorce, as children grow into adults, it's hard to accept that their feelings are not what either mom or dad expected. A child's view is based on their experience. As the parent, you made decisions based upon your information, experience, and choices available at that time, and you consider that makes you being a "good" mom.
Take a moment to add to that, some happy memories, and use those memories to help you move forward from this "stuck" point.
Make a life for you, one that your children have to ask about to learn about. Do things every day. Do something special for you every day. Take time finding something positive in every day. Stop "talking" and start "doing".
What happens when you start doing, you notice you have different topics to converse about, different scenarios to consider choices with. You find life interesting for you.
You do not have to let go of your feelings to your children. You can do that in journal writing, in venting, and then you change your reaction when you hear it or read it from your children.
And consider that you read the text using your perspective and your views. What is wrong with just reading it, knowing he is expressing his feelings which are valid to him, and knowing that he is continuing to process his feelings to a better balance. You can not change what his dad feels or says, and it is NOT your problem.
It's difficult to put it in a place where you know it will sort itself out on its own when that is your focus. Stop focusing on the past. You can not change it, nor should you be trying to change anyone else. What you can do is change your reaction and your focus to you, now.
Best wishes. Life goes on, whether we do or not. Anxiety is natural, and we can use it to help us, give us strength to find our new balance, and make the best of the moment now.
You are not alone.

Thank you Mid ❤️

I'm so sorry your sons are not very communicative with you. Have any of you tried some counseling to work through the grief of the divorce? Even if it's been many years, it can help. It sounds as if there is some misinformation they may have gotten after the divorce and it may have caused some confusion. It did for me as a kid of divorce. My mom said some things about my dad that it was years later when I found out the truth. I don't know if it was intentional or if she was just hurt by the divorce. Pain causes us to do strange things. Consider trying a heart to heart with each son. It may be they need the space to work through some things. It might help you to find a hobby, book club, something where you can spend some time with other friends. Don't give up on your boys, they may come back around to an even stronger relationship with you. Prayers for peace and resolution for you all.

Mid and Pam are very informative. Life is so short and all worrying about the past is going to make you sick please try to reach out and do other things for yourself you deserve it we cannot change the past.