Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
My ex was extremely mentally abusive, married 13 yrs, together total of 17 yrs. we have been divorced 4 yrs now, but things other people do trigger that abuse and I get defensive towards them. This has created a big problem between me and my coworkers, at one point a coworker " who I thought was my best friend " expressed to another coworker that I should just get over it already. Now they are upset with me AGAIN.. Can this mental abuse be PTSD? Or is it something I just need to get over and stop, "making excuses" ? I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I would get defensive when someone would talk down to me, or make me feel like I was stupid or making the wrong decision. I'm loosing sleep over this, replaying things over and over in my mind. It's like my mind won't shut down.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
It sounds like you might have complex ptsd. Just bc the relationship is over, all the damage done from it doesn't just automatically disappear. Emotional abuse leaves invisible scars n bruises, that take much longer to heal.
Emotional abusers control thru damaging their partners self worth. They make them doubt themselves, so they start to turn to the abuser for validation n self worth. But abusers are smart. They give you just enough "crumbs of love" to keep you hooked n obedient.
I'm so happy you got out of that relationship. If it was his choice or yours, you are gone.
However, there is so much healing and therapeutic work to be done. You literally have to unbrainwash yourself. I highly recommend the help of a therapist. If you don't have access to one you have to be very vigilant in your own recovery.
Google - healing from Emotional abuse, Esteemology is a great blog, if you think it's narcissistic abuse research that. Read everything you can and educate yourself. Journal to process what you've learned and compare it to your experience. You are going to start validating yourself.
The ability to self validate was stolen from you. That's why you will stay up ruminating n overthinking over something that deep down you know is your truth n is real to you.
You can and you will, have control over your life and thoughts again. Healing Emotional abuse takes work. You are absolutely worth it.
As for the coworkers who trigger you with similar undermining behaviors. Yes it is triggering bc in your abusive relationship- you experience the same verbal minimizing patterns.
Nobody wants to be talked down to. It's rude. It's not their job to tell you to get over anything. They don't know the complete story.
For the time being, and for your own sanity you can just acknowledge that they are being undermining and it's triggering. Labeling it, indentifies is. As for its intent n maliciousness... if it's too a point where you feel harassed, please speak to your manager. Bullying in the work n place is unprofessional and not acceptable.
Sending you light and love on your healing journey. You ARE worthy of love, kindness, and respect. You can heal and grow from this experience, but it takes work. You are absolutely worth that effort.
But the realities of being able to **just** get over trauma, whatever the source of the trauma, are far from justy. Letting the ink dry on a legal document doesn't heal trauma any more than it creates a functional marriage. We don't get instant healing from divorce trauma any more than we get to buy a good marriage at a Las Vegas souvenir shop.
Gentle support while you find your healing path, Shesa. There is nothing justy about getting over ^it^.
Separate each of the sentences and work your way through each of them.
In the workplace, keep it professional, remain calm, and remember just because someone else says it does NOT make it your problem. Opinions are individual, not statement of facts. You are responsible for what you say, do, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, react, and respond.
That being said, you know that your thinking is not clear, and what you want for better balance means you have to make changes in your way of thinking for yourself.
Best wishes as you find your better balance.
I can see if you experienced emotional abuse how certain things people say or how they say it can be triggering. But I also don't think everyone needs to tiptoe around so they don't trigger you. So perhaps your coworkers feel like they can't say anything without it becoming this big deal. I don't know if that's happening but just looking at it from another angle.
If everyone could just "get over" something they would! It's a process and sometimes takes a while to work through things that have happened. If it's something not fully dealt with, I think it can resurface as well. I don't though consider your friend telling you to get over it to be abusive, however. Sometimes when people flippantly say, "get over it" or "move on" I think they're frustrated or just cannot relate. Or maybe what they really mean is, work on yourself so you can move on. But regardless, whatever you experiencing because of your past relationship, it has nothing to do with them.
I have a friend who was married to what I'd describe as a manipulative, narcissistic man. I'm not sure she'd describe him as abusive but just a garden variety a-hole. During the times she was really in a terrible situation, I was happy to help her through it and support her wanting to leave. I helped her move. I went with her to her divorce court hearing because she asked me too. She really lost who she was because of that relationship. But after the divorce and during the process of reclaiming herself, I ain't going to lie, I had to distance myself at times. Whatever she was going through in the aftermath of that was not something I could help her with and it was just sucking the life out of me and our friendship. I wanted to be a good friend but I just didn't know how. I also had my own life to manage. I actually remember telling her once, not everything is about you. Of course when things are happening to you, everything IS about you. So on some level I understood her single-mindedness in all of it. But friendships are based on reciprocity. Fortunately, she started seeing a therapist and I think she was able to start relying more on that support system and the therapeutic process in becoming whole again. That left room in our friendship for actual friendship, to grow together, to really share our lives in a healthy, meaningful way.
Anyway, I'd consider taking whatever is the issue with this group of friends and really think about whether there's a kernel of truth to any of what they think or say, not so much what specifically was said, but what led to it being said. It doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid but just that sometimes others can shed light on things we may not realize about ourselves.
Try not to lose sleep over it though. I mean at the end of the day, what others say is more about them than you even if there's some validity to it. You have no control over them, just you. But if a good friend said something like that about me, I'd want to ask them to clarify. It may be a chance to bridge a gap, to learn something about that person, or learn something about yourself. Really good friends tell each other the truth even when it's not what we want to hear or it is painful. Otherwise, we're just hanging out with people who only serve to blow smoke up our butts telling us what we want to hear. There's room for that too now and then, but after a while, it's kind of meaningless.