anxiety, depression, and other physical issues make it difficult to function, and being alone and not having anyone that cares or that can/wants to help, just makes the anxiety and depression worse, and harder to function when you have to do everything yourself, and can barely even brush your teeth most days.  but I've just been trying to stay positive, as they say, and focus on whatever I need to do.  I applied for disability, bc my dad kept telling me too, since he's sick of me living here and not being able to pay rent, since I haven't really been able to work much due to all of my issues.  I kept saying I probably wouldn't get it, and he kept saying I would.  well, when it was denied, he said "well, better get a job" d'oh.  how helpful.  but I kept appealing, bc I figured that would be my best chance, to get my own place and get away from him, and not have to be blamed for everything all the time.  well, I had my hearing and - surprise surprise - it was denied yet again.  which was really depressing, bc my lawyer said before that she was the best judge, that approved the most cases.  so of course we were hopeful.  but then to see that it was denied, AND that her report basically ignored most of what I said, and everything that supported my claim, instead focusing on the tiny bit she could use to try to discredit me, as well as everything she mentioned, were from old, outdated reports.  so what was the point in having the hearing, to explain all this, and the current situation?  obviously things change, or else we would all have these issues since birth!!!  It just seems like no one ever listens or cares.  and one of her main points was that I haven't sought treatment, so it must not be that bad.  when one of the main reasons it's hard to work or do anything, is that just going outside is stressful, and I hardly ever leave the house!!  one of the examples she kept repeating, to try to discredit me, and show that I CAN leave the house, is an appt. I went to -- 3 YEARS AGO!!!  and yet, she thinks this means I can somehow leave the house regularly to work, as she says.  no to mention she ignored the personal care issue, even saying that I said I DON'T have an issue with personal care.  that's the opposite of what I said!!  trying to prove that someone that goes weeks without showering or leaving the house would be able to leave the house regularly and keep a job, bc they went somewhere 3 YEARS AGO, is the most RIDICULOUS thing I've ever heard.

So anyway, obviously I'm working on the appeal so I can point out all these errors and falsities - and then they say its rambling, we need facts.  But I've explained all that before, and they just ignore it.  So just saying that's wrong, doesn't seem to make any difference, even though it IS a fact, like they wanted.  So then I thought getting police reports might help disprove her statements, since obviously me just saying so doesn't seem to do anything.  But theyre $10/each, and I don't have the money.  And this is why it's depressing when no one cares or wants to help you, and why it just makes things more depressing and harder to do anything, bc its so hard to do everything yourself, and no one cares or wants to help, and even if you try to explain all this, just like in the hearing or get treatment like they want, they just ignore you.  You would think my dad, who was the one that kept telling me to apply for disability, and that I was disabled, would want to help...but no.  I asked him several times, he always gets mad and yells, says theyre not gonna help, its my fault for spending all my money, I should sell some of my stuff.  But stuff isn't selling now!!!  And the point is its a very time-sensitive issue, which is why I kept asking and said I'd pay him back.  But no, he'll never do anything to help me.  Then I hear him talking about me again (thats his favorite thing to do, talk about people.), saying "yeah, her latest appeal came, she got another extension but still hasn't done anything about it"  when I kept asking him for the money for the reports, after I called them to get the report numbers.  But yeah, I never do anything, as usual.  Gee I wonder why I'm so depressed.  And it's been weeks that I've been trying to get the money, and he always says I always wait until the last minute.  Well if he would have helped me when I asked, weeks ago, I wouldn't have to!!!  Not to mention, he recently gave away my old camera to my nephew.  Of course, if I asked for it back, then I'd be the bad guy.  So I said he needed to give me the money for it then, but he refused.  Obviously if he wanted to give him a camera, it would have cost him to buy one himself, so he saved money by giving him mine, and he could look like a great guy, while giving away more of my stuff.  So at least he could have given me the money for the reports.  But no.  Then I said I'd call the police and report it stolen if he didn't give me the money, and he said hed tell them that I stole all his money, when HE'S the one that has sold or given away tons of my stuff, which he seems to think is ok, cuz I don't pay rent.  Which, I'm pretty sure is illegal.  But if I say anything about calling the police, then he says if you do, you'll be homeless.  He's told me to leave pretty much every day, and the main reason Ive stayed is so I can keep appealing, cuz I thought Id eventually get disability so I could leave.  But he just keeps getting more pissed off the more they deny it, and the more I have to stay here and can't pay rent.  I'm just so sick of being blamed for everything, can hardly function here.  I keep thinking I should just leave and be homeless finally, like everyone seems to think I deserve to be. It's just really depressing when you have no one that cares or wants to help, living in this society that also doesn't care if you need help or are homeless. :(