Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I feel so immensely stupid for making this post, I know today just happens to be worse than others, but I started researching today, anxiety and all other mental disorders I have been questioning whether or not I have for months, and got myself in such a painful, lonely, self destructive rut. I'm going to first apologize (although I know I shouldn't), this is probably going to be really long and rambly, and this is so impulsive of me, but I'm crying and I just desperately wish to speak to someone who may possibly understand me.
Now, for what feels like, all my life, I have thought there was something wrong with me. The only thing is I've never known what. In middle school my parents acted as if I was just unruly/acting out, and only after I saw a counsellor did I begin to think I had anxiety... Until the counsellor seemed to want to lean away from that. Now I experience bouts of being absolutely certain what I have is anxiety, and telling myself nothing is wrong with me mentally except for my inability to do anything productive/functioning as an adult. Being "lazy", as my parents used to say.
The reason for me reaching out today is I am so sick, of being brushed off. Of brushing myself off. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME... Right? I obsessively bite and rip at my lips unconsciously, I am so scared to get a job that I literally have never had one, I avoid going outside for fear of being kidnapped or whatever million other things. It terrifies me to speak with FRIENDS and every time we hang out(Referring to two years ago when I actually used to go outside with people), I am entirely drained of energy after and if it goes on for too long I feel physically sick. I hardly eat anymore, I don't have an appetite/my body no longer alerts me when I'm hungry. I feel like a complete failure and like I'll never be able to get over this hurdle, whatever it is, while at the same time am convinced there is no hurdle at all and I'm just stupid(curtesy of my loving parents who while they try to help, really don't know how and inadvertently act like everything I'm experiencing is nothing due to their own anxiety and mental illness being downplayed and ignored by their parents, but that's completely off-kilter).
I feel like I can't speak to anyone because I have this immense fear they won't believe me or think I'm lying(something also related to my parents treating me like that back in middle school). As badly as I want to speak to someone in the mental health industry, 1. I am so afraid I will be taking a valuable spot from someone who needs it more than me(Because I believe my anxiety, if I have it at all, is very mild compared to others, as it often doesn't show up, but part of me feels like it doesn't show up often because I VIGOROUSLY AVOID anything that might SLIGHTLY upset me, aka basically everything). 2. I have no one in my house who knows what to do let alone is even willing to put themselves in discomfort(My mom has to have anxiety too but won't admit it either, wonder where I got it from lol) to try and assist me to get help, and I am way too terrified to do anything on my own. 3. despite being 3rd, it's probably my biggest hurdle for seeing someone, the thing I'm most afraid of, I think more than anything else I've mentioned, is that the psychologist or whoever will realize there is nothing wrong with me, and the fear of all my mistakes, everything I hate about myself turning out to not be caused by something treatable, or something separate from myself in what feels like a mental safe space I have built, for that all to be, just me... I think I would just die right there. To find out I really am all the things my parents have said about me(Albeit not intending to be insulting), that I'm lazy, the way they look at me because I haven't gotten a license, and the way I'm freeloading off them because I won't get a job. To find out the "cant"s were really just "wont"s this whole time, choices I have been making all my life, I honestly don't think my mental "worldspace" is strong enough to handle a realization like that and I don't see how I would ever like, I don't even have words it just feels like end game. Not actual death but more like, mental death? Idk, it's just bad HAHA, that's all that matters.
To sum all this garbage up, I feel lost, I have low self esteem(if not painfully obvious haha), and I'm craving understanding and help. I'd like to think I have a lot of self awareness, but part of me questions my entire "self", idk if that's like disassociation or what. I didn't even go into the things I feel incredible, debilitating shame over either. I just, I think what I'm craving over anything else is just someone to understand all this crap I think about daily. To be validated. ~As a side note, I have absolutely no confidence in my own decisions, if not visible by my constant back-tracking and contradicting opinions, so I require, and I hate that I require this, someone to constantly validate my decisions and tell me I'm on the right path or whatever. If nobody agrees with me I immediately question myself and eventually back down from whatever it was. That's just another thing I know about myself idk if anyone else needs to know.
To finish this off cus I hate that I'm rambling and fishtailing, and my sisters are now waiting on me and I'm getting anxious with this perceived time limit over my head, I'll stop word vomiting and start obsessively reading this whole thing over until I'm certain there are no spelling errors and it says what I want it to say :) Last thing I'll say is I apologize again for how absurdly long this is, I just really need someone to talk to and I feel like whoever reads this needs a lot of context(another thing I do, convinced I need to explain myself all the time).
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
apology NOT accepted for the rambling nor the fishtailing. i confess that i skimmed your post more than i read, but the value of getting my anxieties into words is so great that i don't even mind --much-- when others return the favor by not really reading my rambling nor fishtailing. the rambling and fishtailing are just part of the process. please feel free to ramble and fishtail as needed.
did your research lead you to the fact that anxiety is an all-natural phenom shared by all living organisms complex enough to possess a survival instinct? of course you have anxiety. there is no cure for the common me.
the host of psychiatric disorders which manifest from unnatural amounts of anxiety are horses of different colors. girl howdy, them ponies can run, ramble and fishtail in most unpredictable manners. keep your heels down, cowgirl, so that your feet don't tangle in the stirrups when that pony throws you from the saddle.
a safe place to vent and sort is essential to managing my own anxiety disorders. plural intended. this very forum is one of the safe places i have found to do exactly that. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.
welcome aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.
you are not alone.
It sounds like we’re both do a lot of comparing. I also don’t want to get help sometimes because I think someone else can use it. I think the same way but if we were to think about this logically: if no one got help because someone else could be using it then no one in the world would be getting help. There would only be one person to get help because they’re the most messed up in the world (kinda like the champions of being messed up.) So ask for help because someone will always have it worse but that shouldn’t be made a terrible game but more so something that makes you appreciate like a bit more.
I also don’t have much confidence Ave m and have low self esteem but I’ve been slowly putting my feet in the water lately by setting tiny goals for myself that are both manageable and a bit out of my comfort zone. By doing this I find myself having a bit more confidence in myself while not giving myself too much to handle.
I don’t know how much this all helped by I felt and understood what you were saying and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m here if you wanna talk about anything at all, friend.
Take one word, one step, and one breath at a time.
Stop. Pause. Breathe. Option. Repeat until calm and clear-headed.
When you are surrounded in anxious moments, step back and focus on a single goal for your well-being.
You can help yourself by doing the writing in a private journal daily to help you sort through the differences in feelings, goals, and thought patterns.
Here's the thing about feelings-they are neither right or wrong. It's how we respond, react, and what we do that is the choice, and for every choice, there is often an unintended consequence. Finding a comfort zone to work with takes time and you're not alone.
It took me a really long time to obtain my driver license, to work in a regular job, to have adventures, and it started with a single step to take responsibility for my feelings and my choices in full.
You can do this! Best wishes as you find your better balance.